by ibemadshell1 » Mon Sep 27, 2010 10:47 pm
Went to an AA meeting (almost) left before anybody saw me there. Almost made it in the door because I don't want to die. Left because I was too embarrassed. Stupid I know, but how do I overcome embarrassment and alcohol at the same time. Afraid that I might see somebody I know, at the meeting or just there on other business at the church. I live in a small town. Knowing that all of my friends and neighbors know my religious beliefs, I can't say I'm there to help out with a church function. Ugh. I guess I need to find a spot out of town, but then that cuts into my time that I have to go. I'll make it in the door one day ...soon I hope, and give it a try. I know it's stupid to feel embarrassed but I can't help it.
It sucks that I'm so functional. If I was a lazy neglectfully mom, horrible wife and just a waste of life (well I guess I do feel that way) but the fact is I wake up at 6:30, get the kids off to school , walk the dogs , clean the house, pay the bills, do the laundry, go to work, volunteer at the school, get home in time to make a family dinner, do home work and give the kids their baths, all while sucking down 2 to 3 bottles of wine, rum, gin, vodka...whatever the day brings. Stay up to 1 or 2 and then start the day all over again. It's going to end one day...and I'm the one that needs to end it, before it ends me.
.
Went to an AA meeting (almost) left before anybody saw me there. Almost made it in the door because I don't want to die. Left because I was too embarrassed. Stupid I know, but how do I overcome embarrassment and alcohol at the same time. Afraid that I might see somebody I know, at the meeting or just there on other business at the church. I live in a small town. Knowing that all of my friends and neighbors know my religious beliefs, I can't say I'm there to help out with a church function. Ugh. I guess I need to find a spot out of town, but then that cuts into my time that I have to go. I'll make it in the door one day ...soon I hope, and give it a try. I know it's stupid to feel embarrassed but I can't help it.
It sucks that I'm so functional. If I was a lazy neglectfully mom, horrible wife and just a waste of life (well I guess I do feel that way) but the fact is I wake up at 6:30, get the kids off to school , walk the dogs , clean the house, pay the bills, do the laundry, go to work, volunteer at the school, get home in time to make a family dinner, do home work and give the kids their baths, all while sucking down 2 to 3 bottles of wine, rum, gin, vodka...whatever the day brings. Stay up to 1 or 2 and then start the day all over again. It's going to end one day...and I'm the one that needs to end it, before it ends me.
.