by abclimo » Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:12 am
Brokenhearted Mom and Marcy: Hi and thanks for your postings. It's so important to be heard and to talk to others in your same situations. I can tell you about being on the other side of where you are at and maybe it'll help you understand what goes on a little better (at least that's my hope). When we are in our active addiction, whether it is drugs or alcohol, we are so self centered and self absorbed, our only thoughts are on getting and using our drug of choice (and alcohol is a drug). Addiction is a disease and it's a disease for the rest of your life. It's possible to get it under control and sometimes we can even forget that we had a problem. We become the master at telling lies, manipulating people and getting what we want by whatever means possible. We start to tell lies so well, we even believe ourselves though our clouded minds. Denial is a huge one as well, we can tell ourselves that we don't have a problem, that we can stop using at any time, that we use to help deal with stress, losing a job, etc. We can justify just about anything. Parents/ spouses/significant others many times become our enablers, not always willingly. They help us by giving us money, taking us in if we lose our house or apartment, feeding us because we have no money for food because we have used it all to buy drugs. It's just amazing what we put our families through, but don't realize that we are hurting our loved ones, our only thought is we are hurting no one but ourselves. It's only after being clean and sober that we can start to see the hell we put our families through. They say that for someone to deal with their addiction, they have to hit rock bottom and then even lower than that. Unfortunately, here's the big part, we have to really want to be helped and that's the hardest part for most people. So many people start to get clean and sober because they are court mandated, or their family is "making" them do it. That doesn't work most of the time and they will find a way to get back out there and get back into active addiction, usually pretty quickly. There is a huge difference between being clean and sober and recovering. So many people think that being clean and sober will get them through, but it usually doesn't. Recovery is key, and that's dealing with why we were addicted and it's only after being clean that we can be figure out what was driving us to use. Lots of people have a problem with figuring out why they were using and how to live life without using to deal with normal everyday living. So many addicts "self medicate" to help dealing with the pressures of family, everyday life, job issues, money issues, etc. Meetings absolutely help and without them, I would not be in my recovery and continuing to heal without meetings. It's recommended to do 90 meetings in your first 90 days of being clean and sober, but that doesn't work for everyone with all the scheduling issues for normal everyday life. It's important to go to meetings and really listen to what is being said and to share honestly. My problem was not alcohol, it was drugs, but it's basically the same, it's still an addiction and it's a mind altering substance no matter how you look at it. You should look for meetings for yourselves so you can hear what is being said and it will definitely help you to heal. Healing is not a quick process, it takes time, after all we didn't become addicted overnight, so healing takes time in comparison to that. It also takes a lot for being on your side of the coin to being to trust that the addict is being honest with you, since they have lied and deceived so many times and you have learned to distrust what they say, and rightly so. You can expect a lot of anger from him, moodiness, resentment and so many other feelings and you'll experience lots of feelings too, some really strong, and others much more mild. There will be temptation all around, people he was friends with when he was in his addiction, places that he used to go to use and other things that will trigger the desire to use, even after a significant amount of clean time. It's important that he get a sponsor, to call when those urges and feelings hit, someone who's been there and can help guide him through it. The statistics that an addict will have a relapse is astounding. The average addict will be through rehab 7 times before they finally "get it". So many also switch their drug of choice for another and the substitution can be much worse. Definitely find a meeting for yourselves to go to, so you can help understand what is going on and so you can heal and begin to live your lives again. It's a difficult journey and the roadway is really bumpy sometimes, but it's definitely worth it. Praying for strength for you on your journey.
Brokenhearted Mom and Marcy: Hi and thanks for your postings. It's so important to be heard and to talk to others in your same situations. I can tell you about being on the other side of where you are at and maybe it'll help you understand what goes on a little better (at least that's my hope). When we are in our active addiction, whether it is drugs or alcohol, we are so self centered and self absorbed, our only thoughts are on getting and using our drug of choice (and alcohol is a drug). Addiction is a disease and it's a disease for the rest of your life. It's possible to get it under control and sometimes we can even forget that we had a problem. We become the master at telling lies, manipulating people and getting what we want by whatever means possible. We start to tell lies so well, we even believe ourselves though our clouded minds. Denial is a huge one as well, we can tell ourselves that we don't have a problem, that we can stop using at any time, that we use to help deal with stress, losing a job, etc. We can justify just about anything. Parents/ spouses/significant others many times become our enablers, not always willingly. They help us by giving us money, taking us in if we lose our house or apartment, feeding us because we have no money for food because we have used it all to buy drugs. It's just amazing what we put our families through, but don't realize that we are hurting our loved ones, our only thought is we are hurting no one but ourselves. It's only after being clean and sober that we can start to see the hell we put our families through. They say that for someone to deal with their addiction, they have to hit rock bottom and then even lower than that. Unfortunately, here's the big part, we have to really want to be helped and that's the hardest part for most people. So many people start to get clean and sober because they are court mandated, or their family is "making" them do it. That doesn't work most of the time and they will find a way to get back out there and get back into active addiction, usually pretty quickly. There is a huge difference between being clean and sober and recovering. So many people think that being clean and sober will get them through, but it usually doesn't. Recovery is key, and that's dealing with why we were addicted and it's only after being clean that we can be figure out what was driving us to use. Lots of people have a problem with figuring out why they were using and how to live life without using to deal with normal everyday living. So many addicts "self medicate" to help dealing with the pressures of family, everyday life, job issues, money issues, etc. Meetings absolutely help and without them, I would not be in my recovery and continuing to heal without meetings. It's recommended to do 90 meetings in your first 90 days of being clean and sober, but that doesn't work for everyone with all the scheduling issues for normal everyday life. It's important to go to meetings and really listen to what is being said and to share honestly. My problem was not alcohol, it was drugs, but it's basically the same, it's still an addiction and it's a mind altering substance no matter how you look at it. You should look for meetings for yourselves so you can hear what is being said and it will definitely help you to heal. Healing is not a quick process, it takes time, after all we didn't become addicted overnight, so healing takes time in comparison to that. It also takes a lot for being on your side of the coin to being to trust that the addict is being honest with you, since they have lied and deceived so many times and you have learned to distrust what they say, and rightly so. You can expect a lot of anger from him, moodiness, resentment and so many other feelings and you'll experience lots of feelings too, some really strong, and others much more mild. There will be temptation all around, people he was friends with when he was in his addiction, places that he used to go to use and other things that will trigger the desire to use, even after a significant amount of clean time. It's important that he get a sponsor, to call when those urges and feelings hit, someone who's been there and can help guide him through it. The statistics that an addict will have a relapse is astounding. The average addict will be through rehab 7 times before they finally "get it". So many also switch their drug of choice for another and the substitution can be much worse. Definitely find a meeting for yourselves to go to, so you can help understand what is going on and so you can heal and begin to live your lives again. It's a difficult journey and the roadway is really bumpy sometimes, but it's definitely worth it. Praying for strength for you on your journey.