message to the addict.

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Please consider replying to an existing message. It only takes a minute and you may help someone else in need. A simple word of encouragement goes a long way.

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Re: message to the addict.

Post by abclimo » Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:29 am

Tootired: This whole post is such a powerful post. The fact that your mother was sober for 12 years proves she can do it. Did something change around the time she started drinking again? Was that when she was divorced or lost her home, something probably triggered her to start drinking, something very upsetting. I do agree that she probably drinks to avoid reality and responsibilities, etc., that's what addicts/alcoholics do, also to avoid depression, even though it makes you more depressed. Addiction/alcohol causes us to make very poor decisions, even though we think we are doing exceptionally well in controlling our lives and making our decisions, when we are clean/sober and can look back, it's amazing even to us how stupid we were at that time. It is very draining to deal with an addict/alcoholic. It's also important to remember that addiction/alcoholism is a disease, just the same as cancer is a disease and that part can be very difficult for people to remember. Your decision is something you have to make based on everything that goes on, but it'll be hard either way. You definitely do need to take care of yourself and your family because to be honest, not rude, your mother really doesn't care how things are going for you. She's only interested in herself and in getting her drinks, it's how it is with people with an addiction. I've been in the shoes of being the addict and I can tell you when you get clean and look back, you see how much destruction you caused in your life. You also realized that you were not only hurting yourself, which is what you think at the time, but you are hurting everyone who loves you and cares about you. Eventually they do get fed up and say enough is enough. I came to my own realization that I needed help, thankfully, and got help and came back with the resolve that I'm never going back there. I'm just putting it out there for both sides of the coin. Good luck on whatever you decide, it'll be difficult no matter what.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by tootired » Sun Oct 23, 2011 11:21 am

I agree with Dave in many respects. I have recently made the decision to discontinue contact with my mother. Its the hardest think I have ever done. She drank heavily throughout my childhood, was sober for 12 years and recently drank again. She is extraordinarily selfish and lies for convience and not to answer to her responsibilities or critics. She is depressed and somewhat disconnected with realtity. She is divorced and recently lost her home, all a result of poor decisions she has made. And I have turned my back. I am emotionally dry and do not have the ability to care any longer. I have two small children and need to devote all my love and energy on them. Is anyone able to support this decision? Tell me I am not selfish. Tell me I need to care for myself and my family.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by necybug » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:19 pm

frankiefixescomputers wrote:
> It is said that when somebody else acts, and I cannot control my feelings
> over that, that I am Co-Dependant. This note that you wrote, in a nutshell,
> spells out how those who voluntarily involve themselves with people in
> addiction are deeply disturbed and need some help too. Unless a man is in a
> cell with another, or is in some simular circumstance, it is voluntary
> interaction. The fact that we can become so negative, that we can become so
> charged with reaction all the while blaming others for our feelings is a
> sickness that in a perverse way, attracts us to other people in their
> addiction. We who are Co-Dependant, usually beg or comand. We rarely just
> walk away from what is unhealthy. Instead, we put ourselves in a position
> to cure the other person where other medical or spiritual treatments have
> failed in their lives. in short, we tend to step into the lions mouth, and
> then complain when he starts knashing his teeth! It is true that we all get
> screwed by people from time to time. They even outright lie, cheat, beg,
> borrow, manipulate, and steal! But wouldn't a healthy person be able to
> draw a line and then say goodbye when the person steps over it? You sound
> as if more than one of your lines has been steped over. while your feelings
> are valid, they are probably a healthy response to what you have been
> through, just look at how much you have put yourself through to feel so
> wroth! And if just crossing the line once has put you in such apathy, how
> lonely you must feel when any one of a hundred people tries to make friends
> with you. I learn to let go of people with love and understanding before I
> get a consuming negativity becuase I feel better all through the day. That
> allows me to have some peace of mind. I forgive while there is still not
> much to forgive because a deep resentment is like a wet blanket that can
> soak you down to the bone. I look at sick people like they are sick. As I
> discover that a man has cancer, I realize that only the cancer doctor can
> fix him, and I don't look at him as if he can sure himself of it either. I
> view the alcoholic and addict the same way. That if they aren't applying
> the medecine to treat their condition, they are not going to get better.
> For with the training to deal with and treat the sick comes the training to
> deal with your reaction to their illness. My reaction to other peoples
> problems are in direct proportion to my ability to help them with it. Just
> because somebody isn't well, it doesn't mean that I have to expose myself
> to their disease. Especially if I do not possess the ability to deal with
> it! May the peace of God find you my friend.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by robertoZ » Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:04 pm

Glad you left it. It's helping me stay sober right now. I have a disease that, if left untreated, will have me exhibiting the same characteristics as the ones described here.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by dianevrt » Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:27 pm

Wow! this is one message i couldn't pass up,It's filled with so many emotions that has remined me of what i had put my family throught in my addiction ,and how the addict only things their hurting themselves and no one else,but at the same time really needs that one somebody to still love you after ruining every relationship known to mankind,as a recovering addict of 7yrs 4 mos now stuff like this along with much more is what helps me stay clean today,if not for the last 2 people in my life,my son and daughter who had not given up on me through it all and a dieing need to be sober i would not be responding to this message right now.My life today is one i could never imagine,being in recovery. The rewards are unmeasurable,so i have to thank you for this message and hope that, that someone in your life that has destroyed all roads of connection to you,they need you more than you may think
so dont give up too quickly,they may be dead to you but not really dead already.I also suggest trying ALANON YOU WILL FIND YOU'RE NOT ALONE IN THIS.THANK YOU,I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by guest » Sat Oct 08, 2011 8:07 pm

Wow, there are a lot of thoughts and feelings running all over this post. I have been on both sides of this internal conflict, even from the perspective of a child, as mentioned earlier in the postings. My father was an extremely emotionally abusive alcoholic, and missed every important event of my childhood to go drink with his friends at the bar, located less than a mile from the house. He was there every day to the point that the kids on the bus knew that he drank every day. I went from blaming myself for not being a good enough son, to the realization that he was afflicted, and me being there had no impact on how he dealt with life. I saw my mom live in a worlddenial for decades, and thus know how it affects the other adults in this screwy life circle. Then, if that wasn't enough knowledge already, I somehow managed to become an addict myself. I've felt all the self loathing and dirtiness that comes with addiction, and believe me, most of us wish ourselves dead without your help Dave. I get his feelings, and they aren't invalid. Same with the ex-wife that has kids in this craziness. But don't forget that us addicts are depressed enough, and hearing a loved one say that can very well push us over the thin ledge we already stand on. I don't think anyone who is already feeling that hurt by loved ones ALSO would want their death on the conscience. Please just keep that in mind as you go about sorting through your anger Dave!

Re: message to the addict.

Post by michelle » Fri Oct 07, 2011 6:06 pm

I can completly relate. My daughter is killing herself with alcohol and precription drugs and taking us with her. We are stressed, sad, angry and lost. We don't know what to do. My husband asks me why I answer her calls, - because I hope the next call is "I am getting help", - not the usual I hate you mom call. Going to my first Al anon meeting on Saturday.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by DJphilly » Thu May 12, 2011 3:11 pm

I'd like to first say I've been living with active alcoholism for a few years now and can understand the dispair and torture you must be experiencing. My husband has been on this rollercoaster of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery for longer than I can remember and I've been right there feeling the pain. My life became so unmanagable and perspective so completely distorted I was in depair myself. It reached a point where I could no longer function and thought I may loose my job and loose my sanity completely. And yes, I did consider how much better my life may be without him. My self worth and faith were completely shattered (though they weren't in the best shape before alcoholism presented itself). I started going to Al-Anon meetings and it has made sooo much of a difference in my life. I have only been going for a month an a half, but I am learning detachment and how to take care of myself. Most importantly I am learning how I can be happy/happier no matter what life throws at me. I'm not that far along towards that goal, but I can see the possibility of it in those in Al-Anon. I can only comment on myself and my own situation, but I know that the death of my husband would not make life easier or better. The damage has been done (by alcoholism and other life events) and I need to recover and focus on my health regardless of if my husband is alive, dead, drinking or not drinking. In fact I think his death would rob me of opportunities to heal and grow (not to mention I love him to death)! Alcoholism is a disease and a very cruel one in that it has such a huge impact on everyone around the alcoholic. I hope you know you are not alone in your feelings and your situation and I truly hope you find peace and happiness.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by Yes » Fri Apr 22, 2011 1:54 pm

At first glance, I thought the entry was a bit harsh too, but re-reading it I can feel the profound despair of the author. The spouses, kids, parents and loved ones of alcoholics are going through their own stages (and hopefully steps, too). Feeling anger and disappointment is part of life, and I credit both the author and site admin for keeping this post. I would encourage the author to remember him/herself. That wishing someone away at some point doesn't do much more than feed the unhealthy monster. In any situation, please leave if it is not best for you. That goes for both the A and the loved ones; it's a weird twist but we're on similar paths.

Re: message to the addict.

Post by cleopatra » Mon Apr 18, 2011 7:03 am

Hi all,
I have been on all sides TOO many sides of this "comment" I am a daughter of a father (died from) who was 1 of 7 who ALL 7 were Addicts who's father & mother were Alcoholics. my Mother (alive /never drank) who WAS the oldest of 7 all alcoholic -died from Booze related illness her father was the alcoholic...and IWAS a sister/granddaughter/girlfriend/bestfriend of ALCOHOLICS! and ALL were told "I wish you would just die" ALL 4 of them KILLED THEMSELVES .

So I get it!!! I really do! I am now going through a marriage of 20 years with an Alcoholic who is unemployed on his 4 DUI and if it wasn't for our daughter I maybe wishing the same thing. BUT he "Doesn't have a problem" he drinks beer, and not every night and it is his release and Oh my favorite- the big 1.. doesn't like AA because those people "have problems " he says
Who am I hurting ?? I am just killing myself and what else is there to do my life sucks blah blah blah..

I am so over it! I know in my heart of hearts that it is a disease and I try and try to be understanding but I can't do it anymore. My only saving grace is that he will be doing time soon and maybe just maybe that will wake him up? I hate what LIFE with an alcoholic is like but I hate ever more what DEATH of an Alcoholic does to the Living. My mom has buried her son,stepson,husband,father all her brothers 1 sister, her inlaws and most of her brother/sister in laws all to Alcohol!

She is a strong women I don't think I can be that strong.

Prayers to all on BOTH sides of this and PLease PRAY FOR ME !! and MY daughter who is scarey enough loving alcohol in college :(

Cleo ( queen of denial for tooo long)

Re: message to the addict.

Post by rad » Thu Apr 07, 2011 6:07 pm

I've been away in Europe during past 2 years. Had to leave my family there for 4 moths, so here i am in usa by myself, have been sober for 4 days, and I"m going to AA meeting tonight.
God Bless Us All

Re: message to the addict.

Post by ThereisHope » Tue Apr 05, 2011 5:38 pm

You should try al-anon. It will help

Re: message to the addict.

Post by kathleend » Mon Apr 04, 2011 9:53 pm

Can anyone get to the core of our problems in life? You, your self may, with help or self counseling. Life is a roller coaster. Like it or not we are all on it. Choose not to identify the problem well- your options are less. My point is embrace yourself, love who you are. You are special as God made us this way. Leaving alcohol may be hard but may be the path you want. Kat

Re: message to the addict.

Post by kathleend » Mon Apr 04, 2011 9:18 pm

The torture is in the alcoholic.Don't lose the human caring response. Don't turn your back on them. Hard I know. Be there. Love them. Care. Don't judge. May be a day away is all it takes. Pray. Let God do what we can not. love & prayers, I have been there, Kathy

Re: message to the addict.

Post by janet » Sat Apr 02, 2011 8:33 pm

Death is not the answer. Your pain will remain long after they are dead and buried. I know that from experience. He died 12 years ago but the fallout from his bad decisions hasn't stopped. You have no contol over the addicted person in your life. You only have control over yourself. Take that control and make the choices that are right for you. You can love someone but not enable them. And Yes you do love them. You wouldn't be so angry if you didn't. Love yourself more and release that anger and pain.