by InVein44 » Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:45 pm
My story is long so i shall try to make it short. I have been an addict since birth I think. Before the drugs, I was addicted to perfection. I had to have the grades, the popularity, cheer captain and 3 year running Home coming Queen. I could never sit still. Always had nightmares. I had to have my planner filled, every hour with something to occupy my mind. Drugs were never a thought, i didn't even drink. I was first given heroine by a friend and they called it "dope" and I was stupid, not knowing that dope was heroine. I only found a tiny bump took away my sleepless nights, allowed me to be a peace, so i thought. I became addicted and fought for about 7 years. Then came methadone, without intent, I remained on it for 10 years, maybe more, then atop that, Xanex. I was inpatient more times then I know but I never made it. I always ran away, got myself kicked out or gave up. I was never ready. I was asked to do what I thought was IMPOSSIBLE, get to 40 millagrams from 120 to even have a chance for any facility to take me. To my suprise, I did it! I now have an opportunity (by friend of a friend) to go to a detox facility out of state, fully paid for. Then onto a 4 to 9 month "Break you down to Build you up" program. To learn to live without drugs. I am terrafied. The only thing I can say is that I feel different cuz I have 3 things I never had before. #1, A will to live and a goal to be something I always wanted. #2. A man that loves me more then live itself, someone who has taken on 3 jobs to support our place while I get well, I want to be well for him because he worries so much for me, he shares my sorrow, feels my pain although he had never been where i have. #3, I have a fear of being away from home, a fear of leaving the house most days, back then I thought 28 days was a lifetime & would not have it! However now, I don't see time in the same way I did before. Still in fear but a few months doesn't seam like an eternity. I am 34. I am afraid of going, afraid of myself, what if I learn that after all this, I still hate who I am? I can easily stay home, be taken care of and try to complete the detox then try to return to society OR I can go. Face things I fear most, have no contact with my fiance for several months and try to be washed clean & learn new tools to fight my disease.
DO I STAY OR DO I GO?
[color=#0000BF] My story is long so i shall try to make it short. I have been an addict since birth I think. Before the drugs, I was addicted to perfection. I had to have the grades, the popularity, cheer captain and 3 year running Home coming Queen. I could never sit still. Always had nightmares. I had to have my planner filled, every hour with something to occupy my mind. Drugs were never a thought, i didn't even drink. I was first given heroine by a friend and they called it "dope" and I was stupid, not knowing that dope was heroine. I only found a tiny bump took away my sleepless nights, allowed me to be a peace, so i thought. I became addicted and fought for about 7 years. Then came methadone, without intent, I remained on it for 10 years, maybe more, then atop that, Xanex. I was inpatient more times then I know but I never made it. I always ran away, got myself kicked out or gave up. I was never ready. I was asked to do what I thought was IMPOSSIBLE, get to 40 millagrams from 120 to even have a chance for any facility to take me. To my suprise, I did it! I now have an opportunity (by friend of a friend) to go to a detox facility out of state, fully paid for. Then onto a 4 to 9 month "Break you down to Build you up" program. To learn to live without drugs. I am terrafied. The only thing I can say is that I feel different cuz I have 3 things I never had before. #1, A will to live and a goal to be something I always wanted. #2. A man that loves me more then live itself, someone who has taken on 3 jobs to support our place while I get well, I want to be well for him because he worries so much for me, he shares my sorrow, feels my pain although he had never been where i have. #3, I have a fear of being away from home, a fear of leaving the house most days, back then I thought 28 days was a lifetime & would not have it! However now, I don't see time in the same way I did before. Still in fear but a few months doesn't seam like an eternity. I am 34. I am afraid of going, afraid of myself, what if I learn that after all this, I still hate who I am? I can easily stay home, be taken care of and try to complete the detox then try to return to society OR I can go. Face things I fear most, have no contact with my fiance for several months and try to be washed clean & learn new tools to fight my disease.
DO I STAY OR DO I GO? [/color]