by BalancingAct » Mon Apr 30, 2012 8:00 am
I feel your pain as well as your desire. I have been at this since 1987 and have been clean 18 months. For me it was about finding the reason. Why. When my head is in the space that I am clean for me I don't even consider using as an option. Playing doctors and raiding medicine cabinets are far away. Five rehabs didn't work. One day I just decided, "I have had enough." Now you know me a little, I will also say I relapsed a lot. A lot. I was once clean for 8 years. Big deal. I was clean, not in recovery. I was doing it for someone else. Another lifetime ago. This is the here and now. Today I am clean. Today I have no desire to use. I won't midlead and say it didn't matter what others thought because it did. Walking back in and saying I used again was horrifying. But I would get up, dust myself off and start again. Just like an athlete who falls off the apparatus. Do over. I learned quite a lot from my experience. Here I am. I am clean, Just For Today.
Thanks for letting me share.
I feel your pain as well as your desire. I have been at this since 1987 and have been clean 18 months. For me it was about finding the reason. Why. When my head is in the space that I am clean for me I don't even consider using as an option. Playing doctors and raiding medicine cabinets are far away. Five rehabs didn't work. One day I just decided, "I have had enough." Now you know me a little, I will also say I relapsed a lot. A lot. I was once clean for 8 years. Big deal. I was clean, not in recovery. I was doing it for someone else. Another lifetime ago. This is the here and now. Today I am clean. Today I have no desire to use. I won't midlead and say it didn't matter what others thought because it did. Walking back in and saying I used again was horrifying. But I would get up, dust myself off and start again. Just like an athlete who falls off the apparatus. Do over. I learned quite a lot from my experience. Here I am. I am clean, Just For Today.
Thanks for letting me share.