by Half Lifer » Fri Jul 27, 2012 2:59 pm
Escape from Berlin: i am sorry to report,today (day 46) i cracked. just bought and took a sub. I was delerious with waves of suicidal thoughts last night. I'm sad to let all that clean time go but I was really in a sink hole. Now from where I sit, I most likely restarted the clock with my PAWS. considering going back to the Dr. I felt really low copping down in Kensington-brought back painful memories. Just seeing the junkies again made me cry on the El ride back-that and shame. I'm hesitant to go to a meeting now, probabky wait till tomorrow. I am currently doing intensive out paitent and had been attending NA meetings daily. I'm kucking myself right now but feel incrediably relieved at the same time. I didn't wanna get high, just to feel normal. Dealing with potentially another 6 months/Yr. of the sink hole had me frightened. I feel defeated.
Escape from Berlin: i am sorry to report,today (day 46) i cracked. just bought and took a sub. I was delerious with waves of suicidal thoughts last night. I'm sad to let all that clean time go but I was really in a sink hole. Now from where I sit, I most likely restarted the clock with my PAWS. considering going back to the Dr. I felt really low copping down in Kensington-brought back painful memories. Just seeing the junkies again made me cry on the El ride back-that and shame. I'm hesitant to go to a meeting now, probabky wait till tomorrow. I am currently doing intensive out paitent and had been attending NA meetings daily. I'm kucking myself right now but feel incrediably relieved at the same time. I didn't wanna get high, just to feel normal. Dealing with potentially another 6 months/Yr. of the sink hole had me frightened. I feel defeated.