by fprf54 » Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:18 am
I had a hard time, giving up my old life to start a newer one. I was bent on going around the same people, places, and doing most of the same things except using. It took me a while to get this, and I have been clean since 6-04-1980. If I have a litagetament reason for being there, then I can go any where. If I am going to seek out some of the older times I am in trouble. I forget about how bad I had to hurt before I wanted help. I forgot about all the times I had to sit alone, with all my thoughts litterally eating me up, and poor poor me. I felt so sorry for me. I hung out with all these people that were aquaintences and I believed that they were my friends. I could not relate to everyone in recovery or I may of just felt different. Was not different, just felt that way. These differences can make us go where we just don't belong. I got clean right where I used. It can be done, but it is very hard, and meetings were a must for me. I made a lot of mistakes along the way in recovery, and I have been to places where it is not in my best insterest to go to.
If I go to anyone's house or appartment and someone is using, for me this is the wrong place for me to be. Regardless of time clean, I need to stay in clean places with clean people. The people who are using, are not going to stop using. I could not stop using on my own. I could go for a day or maybe a week, but was not happy, just not using. These people are probably taking my place out there and I don't want my place back in active addiction. I have to recall how I ended up hating me and others. How miserable I had become. How negative my thinking was. How I had had no sence of self or esteem at all. I felt lower than the cub, and that I did not deserve recovery. I was heading on my way to pass away, ask the God I knew then just to kill me, glad he did not do so. I ask that I did not go to prison. Then finally I did get to come to recovery. My mind was closed. I had no positive thoughts at first. I just brought me and kept on coming back. I saw others recover, and this eventually gave me some hope that I too can do this.
The people on the streets, think they have all the answers, I did or so I thought. They will do their best to out talk us and make themselves look good. They still have this I don't care attitude that I used to have also. They are not open to recovery. So they are going to do the same things and expect different results, just like I did and drive me insane. Today I can and do make a difference. I share with others my good stuff and my not so good stuff. The truth never makes me look good but it is the truth.
Accross the street from me are using people, down the street are some more, they are all over town. Just for today though I chose life. When I chose not to use, I have a good life. I do have to watch out for my thinking, sometimes my head doen't work right and will try to ok things for me that are not ok.
I had a hard time, giving up my old life to start a newer one. I was bent on going around the same people, places, and doing most of the same things except using. It took me a while to get this, and I have been clean since 6-04-1980. If I have a litagetament reason for being there, then I can go any where. If I am going to seek out some of the older times I am in trouble. I forget about how bad I had to hurt before I wanted help. I forgot about all the times I had to sit alone, with all my thoughts litterally eating me up, and poor poor me. I felt so sorry for me. I hung out with all these people that were aquaintences and I believed that they were my friends. I could not relate to everyone in recovery or I may of just felt different. Was not different, just felt that way. These differences can make us go where we just don't belong. I got clean right where I used. It can be done, but it is very hard, and meetings were a must for me. I made a lot of mistakes along the way in recovery, and I have been to places where it is not in my best insterest to go to.
If I go to anyone's house or appartment and someone is using, for me this is the wrong place for me to be. Regardless of time clean, I need to stay in clean places with clean people. The people who are using, are not going to stop using. I could not stop using on my own. I could go for a day or maybe a week, but was not happy, just not using. These people are probably taking my place out there and I don't want my place back in active addiction. I have to recall how I ended up hating me and others. How miserable I had become. How negative my thinking was. How I had had no sence of self or esteem at all. I felt lower than the cub, and that I did not deserve recovery. I was heading on my way to pass away, ask the God I knew then just to kill me, glad he did not do so. I ask that I did not go to prison. Then finally I did get to come to recovery. My mind was closed. I had no positive thoughts at first. I just brought me and kept on coming back. I saw others recover, and this eventually gave me some hope that I too can do this.
The people on the streets, think they have all the answers, I did or so I thought. They will do their best to out talk us and make themselves look good. They still have this I don't care attitude that I used to have also. They are not open to recovery. So they are going to do the same things and expect different results, just like I did and drive me insane. Today I can and do make a difference. I share with others my good stuff and my not so good stuff. The truth never makes me look good but it is the truth.
Accross the street from me are using people, down the street are some more, they are all over town. Just for today though I chose life. When I chose not to use, I have a good life. I do have to watch out for my thinking, sometimes my head doen't work right and will try to ok things for me that are not ok.