by justificationgirl » Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:06 am
I went to rehab at age 14 when I got caught smoking weed for the first time. I've been told I was an addict before I ever did anything. I went to reform school with Beverly Hills disasters, and I just don't know if I'm an addict. I was on heroin on and off for 3 years. About three years ago, I stopped. After all the meetings a went to for years, and I kept using... I just stopped it all. I just mentally made myself believe I wasn't an addict, and I haven't done it since. The problem is, I'm drinking. I'd like to say its social. Yeah, I go to bars, but I'm there to drink. I'm there because there is alcohol there. I hate it there. I hate the people most of the time, I hate getting hit on by weirdos, so why do I go? It's gotta be the alcohol. And so I started drinking alone. It's cheaper. Since I went back to college, money has been tight. Sometimes I drink to stop worrying. Sometimes I drink to goto sleep. SOmetimes I drink to calm down. My life is very functional. I'm on dean's list (obviously I'm not an english major, so don't base my intelligence on my spelling and grammer skills) It's socailly exceptible to drink. I'm drinking right now. I dont' black out. I don't drive drunk. I rarely really get drunk, but it's coming to a point where I'm shaking in the mornings sometimes. And my heart feels like its pounding over nothing. I don't make the best decisions. I feel emotional all the time, and I say dumb things in public. I'm beginning to wonder if I really might be an alcoholic. I'm scared because meetings are what kept me sick for so long. They really were. I would go and people would talk about drugs or drinking or....I dunno anything. Sometimes it wasn't even about using....it was about their feelings. It was about things in their life that weren't great. Other times it was the people who just got up to brag about how long they had been clean! I wanted to use any chemical I could get my hands on after I listened to their soap box speeches! So what do I do? Do I risk the life I've made for myself and go back and see what happens? Do I tell someone that I'm concerned about my drinking habits that isn't in AA? Do I just ignore it and say, "I'm 25 so this will pass!"....? I don't have the answer. I feel l like I've always been the person to help everyone else around me. I don't get off on it- I just somehow attract the sick and suffering like a moth to a flame. And I always seem to know what to say...or what NOT to say... So why can't I help myself? How can I be so clueless about myself? I don't know.... Well if anyone else out there catches my drift; maybe I helped you... Maybe someone has an answer. I guess I just had to say it and I don't want to do it at a meeting. Good night...it's 5:00am and I can't believe i'm awake writing on this. This is unmanageability in itself.
I went to rehab at age 14 when I got caught smoking weed for the first time. I've been told I was an addict before I ever did anything. I went to reform school with Beverly Hills disasters, and I just don't know if I'm an addict. I was on heroin on and off for 3 years. About three years ago, I stopped. After all the meetings a went to for years, and I kept using... I just stopped it all. I just mentally made myself believe I wasn't an addict, and I haven't done it since. The problem is, I'm drinking. I'd like to say its social. Yeah, I go to bars, but I'm there to drink. I'm there because there is alcohol there. I hate it there. I hate the people most of the time, I hate getting hit on by weirdos, so why do I go? It's gotta be the alcohol. And so I started drinking alone. It's cheaper. Since I went back to college, money has been tight. Sometimes I drink to stop worrying. Sometimes I drink to goto sleep. SOmetimes I drink to calm down. My life is very functional. I'm on dean's list (obviously I'm not an english major, so don't base my intelligence on my spelling and grammer skills) It's socailly exceptible to drink. I'm drinking right now. I dont' black out. I don't drive drunk. I rarely really get drunk, but it's coming to a point where I'm shaking in the mornings sometimes. And my heart feels like its pounding over nothing. I don't make the best decisions. I feel emotional all the time, and I say dumb things in public. I'm beginning to wonder if I really might be an alcoholic. I'm scared because meetings are what kept me sick for so long. They really were. I would go and people would talk about drugs or drinking or....I dunno anything. Sometimes it wasn't even about using....it was about their feelings. It was about things in their life that weren't great. Other times it was the people who just got up to brag about how long they had been clean! I wanted to use any chemical I could get my hands on after I listened to their soap box speeches! So what do I do? Do I risk the life I've made for myself and go back and see what happens? Do I tell someone that I'm concerned about my drinking habits that isn't in AA? Do I just ignore it and say, "I'm 25 so this will pass!"....? I don't have the answer. I feel l like I've always been the person to help everyone else around me. I don't get off on it- I just somehow attract the sick and suffering like a moth to a flame. And I always seem to know what to say...or what NOT to say... So why can't I help myself? How can I be so clueless about myself? I don't know.... Well if anyone else out there catches my drift; maybe I helped you... Maybe someone has an answer. I guess I just had to say it and I don't want to do it at a meeting. Good night...it's 5:00am and I can't believe i'm awake writing on this. This is unmanageability in itself.