by Addict_Mitch » Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:56 am
hey everybody, my names mitch and i'm an addict... im 18 yrs old, live in deleware county and thats about it! i currently have 1 day clean, and i've been struggling for a while. you could say 4 weeks or so, but you could also say 5 months. I've been involved in the program of narcotics anonymous for almost 2 years now. i had managed to attain 18 months of continuous clean time and made the much regretted choice of throwing it all away back in September '08. I was a huge coke head from age 14-16, then i got clean. However, when i relapsed, i was too afraid to go back to the coke, so i picked up a lovely opiate habit. I overdosed December 9th after taking 2 ecstasy pills and 160 miligrams of oxiconton. December 10th i made the decision to go into in-patient treatment at Mirmont in Lima,PA. I stayed from the 10th until January 2nd and did very well. I'd started to amend some relationships with my family and non-using friends, as well as gained some farther insight about just how my diseased mind ticks. I lasted about a week out of rehab before choosing to go to a rave in West Philly. Needless to say, i relapsed on multiple HARD drugs that night as well as acted on many behaviors i haven't seen in a while. Since that night, it's been like a tennis match with me being in and out of the rooms. My willingness has been fluxuating daily. Today i feel great, willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. Yesterday i didn't give a damn about NA. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I just cant take the bouncing back and forth thing much longer. It's been difficult because my clean date was March 14,2007, so i keep thinking 'If only you didnt f*ck it all up, you'd have 2 years in a month!'. i know i need to let go of what i HAD and focus on what i HAVE, but sub-consciously i cant seem to fully let go. I've been going on random binges lasting from 1 day to 4 days, and then coming back to the rooms for the same period of time. It's so frustrating to have such difficulty with this, considering i KNOW i can do it because i've done it before. I have a very supportive, loving, and caring sponsor, an awesome support group, and very supportive family and friends, yet i can't seem to grasp this thing. Sooner or later, this stuff is gonna kill me, and I'm too frickin young to die! I've lost numerous friends to this disease as well as my father. I need some input from anyone that will give it. I've been hearing pretty much the same stuff from the same people for the past month and it's starting to have no impact. Thank you very much in advance to any/all who reply to my post.
~Addict called Mitch
hey everybody, my names mitch and i'm an addict... im 18 yrs old, live in deleware county and thats about it! i currently have 1 day clean, and i've been struggling for a while. you could say 4 weeks or so, but you could also say 5 months. I've been involved in the program of narcotics anonymous for almost 2 years now. i had managed to attain 18 months of continuous clean time and made the much regretted choice of throwing it all away back in September '08. I was a huge coke head from age 14-16, then i got clean. However, when i relapsed, i was too afraid to go back to the coke, so i picked up a lovely opiate habit. I overdosed December 9th after taking 2 ecstasy pills and 160 miligrams of oxiconton. December 10th i made the decision to go into in-patient treatment at Mirmont in Lima,PA. I stayed from the 10th until January 2nd and did very well. I'd started to amend some relationships with my family and non-using friends, as well as gained some farther insight about just how my diseased mind ticks. I lasted about a week out of rehab before choosing to go to a rave in West Philly. Needless to say, i relapsed on multiple HARD drugs that night as well as acted on many behaviors i haven't seen in a while. Since that night, it's been like a tennis match with me being in and out of the rooms. My willingness has been fluxuating daily. Today i feel great, willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. Yesterday i didn't give a damn about NA. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I just cant take the bouncing back and forth thing much longer. It's been difficult because my clean date was March 14,2007, so i keep thinking 'If only you didnt f*ck it all up, you'd have 2 years in a month!'. i know i need to let go of what i HAD and focus on what i HAVE, but sub-consciously i cant seem to fully let go. I've been going on random binges lasting from 1 day to 4 days, and then coming back to the rooms for the same period of time. It's so frustrating to have such difficulty with this, considering i KNOW i can do it because i've done it before. I have a very supportive, loving, and caring sponsor, an awesome support group, and very supportive family and friends, yet i can't seem to grasp this thing. Sooner or later, this stuff is gonna kill me, and I'm too frickin young to die! I've lost numerous friends to this disease as well as my father. I need some input from anyone that will give it. I've been hearing pretty much the same stuff from the same people for the past month and it's starting to have no impact. Thank you very much in advance to any/all who reply to my post.
~Addict called Mitch