Too Acceptable is a BAD THING

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Too Acceptable is a BAD THING

Post by sflmomof2 » Wed Jun 06, 2012 9:19 am

I have been a drinker since I was handed my first drink at 14, by my uncle, at a wedding. Drank so much I spent half the time in the bathroom. High school was keg parties and great times, college - drunken adventures to other cities. In fact if I look back I can honestly say that every time I EVER went out to have a good time I was always drunk. Did I really think I could not have fun if I was not drunk? Why do we all feel the need to drink in social settings? Why is drinking so in your face all the time - - hell I look at shows like Vampire Diaries - - which is a show about HIGH SCHOOL students - - and they are drinking constantly. It is even commercial, every movie, everywhere.

So yes, I was always a drinker, then I had a son (now 10) and a daughter (6). When she was born I decided to stay home - I think this was my downfall. I always worked, since I was 10 years old. Staying home was hard. I gave up a well-paying career, and basically sat around all day with my daughter at parks or home - - same conversations, same thing day in and day out. Maybe it was my own boredom - maybe there are moms out there that are happy to fold laundry 24/7 and dance around baking cookies all day. I needed more, but there was no time for more. My husband works 6 days a week, far from home, so I had to be with the kids all the time - - wine became my nighttime friend. I never EVER drank during the day - come 630-7pm.... a few glasses of merlot, turned into a bottle, into two bottles, maybe more - - that is CRAZY to even type!!!

Not even sure when or why it all began. Becoming a stay at home mom, not really having much to do all day, being bored, maybe lonely... who knows. I can blame it all on that, but I do feel sometimes that the DRINK itself has a hold over you. You start drinking every day, you feel fine, but year after year - - the drinking does something to your brain, It makes you feel locked inside of your own head, you think you cannot escape its calling. I find many of my memories to be scattered. But truth is, when you don't drink for a few days, you don't feel crappy, hung-over, maybe anxious, miserable that you can’t stop thinking about the next drink. I read somewhere once, a woman wrote, when you get the craving - - just say NOT now, keep saying NOT now, and you get through one hour to the next, to the next day, maybe I will even get to the next week.

All of a sudden, about a year ago, you saw all these online articles about moms drinking wine out of their coffee cups. Well I related - - sports bottles full of merlot at soccer games, baseball games, even to the park. WHAT would make me think that a nice evening out with my kids, watching them frolic in the grass needed to be numbed out? WOW - as I write this it seems so stupid. On top of that, while writing this, I am thinking HOW far back this goes, my son played soccer 6 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!

With all of these articles and people reaching out, I am not sure how many they really helped, or how many people they made think - - WOW there are so many people like me, this behavior is fine. I think it kind of white washed the situation. Fact of the matter is - What would happen to my kids if I was not here. What if I got into my typical - late night - totally tipsy/drunken state and had a heart attack? What if I went into liver failure - - that's the funny part too. How many of us who are drinkers really go to their doctors every year and tell the truth of how we are destroying our own bodies? I have not had insurance since I left my job 6 yrs ago to stay home. I am a college educated women, every time I take a sip I think OMG I could get cancer, something could happen - but I do it anyways? Again I say crazy! It makes me sound crazy.

I guess at the end of the day, I don't want to say it, but truth is I can't be that person to have one glass of wine. I like the sensation (while it is happening - not the next day!) I just need to be that person who says - I DONT NEED the drink! Maybe at the next party I will find my way to where all the kids are playing and join in. Maybe I will really sit back and watch how everyone else gets drunk, and how foolish they look - maybe that will give me a new outlook on things. All I know is if I keep going on the path I have been on for so long, my kids will one day take heed to my behavior and what kind of role model am I for them? They are always nicely dressed, educated, tucked tightly into their seat-belts in the car, always to the doctor when needed and here is their mom taking her life into Merlot's hands every night.

So Today I am going to remind myself that I DON'T NEED THE WINE - THE WINE NEEDED ME! Wine and I are no longer friends. I will not find comfort in your company on the couch at night. YOU have ruined my ways of thinking; you made me believe you had control over me! No longer. Maybe every time we feel like drinking we should take that money and stuff it into a jar for something we always dreamed of buying or a place to visit!