sad and desperate

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sad and desperate

Unread postby kaylafay » Thu Sep 08, 2011 6:01 pm

I am feeling really down at the moment. I have been trying to quit drinking or "slow down" for the past eight years. When I was around 22, I drank every day for two years. I was racing down a wild road. I was arrested several times for mouthing off to cops. I went to jail for a month at one point. Since then its been on and off. I don't bringe drink like I used to, but once I start I cannot stop. I forget that I even want to. Unfortunately, I don't fall asleep or pass out like other people. I just keep drinking. I guess this is a really complex problem for me, because there are so many layers to all of this. I just feel stuck, really stuck. Like I want to move and start over again. But I know that isn't am option. That's what I always did before, Id decide to leave and within a few days I'd leave. I don't want to do that anymore and I can't. Sorry if I'm rambling. I work in a bar and for the first time, I went in drunk and eventually yelled at a customer. The customer is a total jerk, but still there is no excuse. I've noticed that since I've started working there I have drank more. I'm considering quitting. That's if I'm not already fired. My life isn't a total mess. If I dropped the drinking, the twice a week wasted nights, I would be a very happy person. I am trying to go to an AA meeting, but I'm intimidated. I feel like this is such a personal problem that naturally I take it personal and I cannot help but crying if I talk about it aloud. Especially with strangers! I went to one before and felt so out of place. When I was there a woman apologized for not participating. I know that if I go I cannot talk or read aloud because it feels to weird to me right now. I think I read that there are certain group that are only discussion and don't expect you to read aloud from the book. Any suggestions would be helpful.
kaylafay
 

Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby robertoZ » Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:36 pm

Which is worse: being a sad and desperate drunk or experiencing the awkwardness of reading aloud from a book or introducing yourself and telling how you feel (neither of which are required)? When the former is worse, you'll do the latter, and more, gladly. It's called hitting bottom and if you do and survive, consider yourself lucky. Many people will never reach the spot you are at now. Go to a meeting asap and keep going back. If you hate it, keep going back until you figure out why you hate it.
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Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby docyg » Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:34 am

This is life journey. I too have been wanting to stop for years but there is difference in wanting and doing. I don't know if u r a believer but we can do all things through Christ, right. We didn't become alcoholics over night and most of us don't become sober over night either. Take it a day at a time one foot in front of the other. Self condemnation is truly our enemy. Do not get me wrong we must hold ourselves accountable. Just recently I came to the conclusion I have to stop blaming others for why I drink. I get mad out my wife drink, I wanna chill with my wife drink, these are triggers, and when they come I have to put my mind else where. I have never been to AA but now its like, what do I have to loose? Oh my wife, kids, my llife as I know it, is that drink really worth it.

Its ruff, I think you should consider a new line of work. Temptation is a mug, and in the bar u r in the belly of it.

The power of the human spirit is unmatched we just have to tap into the depths of our soul, below the depression, and shame to dig it up. Everyday above ground is an opportunity to change. Be thankful for this opportunity and belIeve in yourself and the power God gives us to overcome.

And keep posting and reading it cleanses the spirit.

I two days in, Lord help us.

God bless
docyg
 

Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby abclimo » Sat Sep 10, 2011 1:54 pm

And if you are intimidated at that meeting, go to another in a different location, all meetings are not the same, and all recovering addicts are not the same. Alcoholism is an addiction. Unfortunately, or fortunately you recognize that working in a bar is a problem. That would be no different for a recovering drug addict to work in a pharmacy or hospital or factory where drugs are produced. Definitely not a good idea, because it waves the flag of temptation in front of you at all times, and you'll definitely seize that flag at some point, as would any addict. You have recognized you have a problem, make a plan and follow it. You can do this!
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Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby eljay99 » Sat Sep 10, 2011 6:58 pm

hello sad and desp. cheer up sweety you're not alone and that's what gets us all thru this crap. my advice too you is prepare yourself for withdrawal 'cause it's gonna happen but you can do it and after about a week you will feel so much better. really. i know 'cause i've just gone thru it again for the like tenth time. i too worked in a bar, a go-go bar for 15 years and the last five were clouded with pain killers and booze. i'm out of that scene now but still have the struggles we addicts all do. when i went to rehab i felt the same way you do about speaking and crying and guess what? first, i cried but someone gently put their arm around me and gave me a tissue. the compassion you will experience will amaze you and you will find the support that you're going to need to get thru this. the question is how bad do we want it? cheer up sweety, you can do it.
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Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby junebauer106 » Sat Sep 10, 2011 9:51 pm

Hi!

You don't have to speak at a meeting unless you want to. The speaker will ask if this is anyone’s first AA meeting and is this the first time anyone has come to "this" meeting. They do this in order to welcome you and offer you phone numbers of members who you can call and talk more privately with. Most of your personal pain will be shared with members that you feel comfortable with, in privet. The group setting helps you meet this people and understand what AA has to offer you. No one expects you to start telling your life story the first day. After years of successful sobriety you may want to be a speaker and tell your story. That will always be your choice. Just try it. Go sit in the back and watch. Go every night and watch. Sooner or later you will want to say something and if you really never want to say anything publicly you will meet many great people to talk to over coffee before and after the meetings. Good Luck
junebauer106
 

Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby jackd » Sun Sep 11, 2011 3:45 pm

I just a few things you posted an wrought about your drinking.Lets keep it simple very simple that seems to work for me.No one you are unable to think your way out of this mess you got yourelf in.There is nothing to Read or Study alone that is just a few simple actions you Must take on a daily day.I f you feel you would like to give this AA a try the way or founders Bill an Bob have layed it out for us many years ago in the big book I would love to hook up with you and show you the way.You will have to do nothing at all just come along as long as you want to be sober I will stay right by your side an never leave you my friend.When your ready an willing please call me at *****


edited by Admin: please do not post phone numbers
jackd
 

Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby kaylafay » Mon Sep 12, 2011 2:49 pm

Thank you so much for the support. I am on my 6 day sober and I feel really good about it. I woke up Saturday without a hangover and got on the train at 9am. It was refreshing to wake up and venture out into the day without feeling tired and/or sick. It's a new thing for me in terms of how awful I feel on the weekends. Something wonderful happened. Later that night, after I had originally posted, I was taking a look on Facebook and a friend had posted something along the lines of..."six years ago I lost everything. Three days into never doing it again." He's actually a very good frie. nd of mine, so even at 1am I was able to text him and say, "Are you quitting?" We have plans to visit AA meetings together and provide support to one another. I went to work at the bar and it was fine. I gave away my shift drink and in general felt very much in control. I am fully aware of the fact that if at any point I feel like working in this sort of environment threatens my sobriety, I will have to quit. I only go there two days a week, so at this point I think that I can manage it. Another thing is that my boyfriend of five years doesn't fully understand my conviction just yet. I met him for drinks last night, because he works so hard and wants to meet his friends once a week for drinks. So I drank soda and that was fine. He didn't know that I was quitting and asked me if I wanted a beer. I told him, "no" and I refered to the incident at the bar while I was working. He kept saying, I can't believe that you still have your job. You were outta control, but you can have a few beers now. You're not working." Eventually I explained the way I'm feeling and at this point I feel like he thinks that I'm going through another "quitting" phase. I don't see him asking me again. I can't wait till I can say that I don't drink, like its just not my thing and that's fine. Sorry this is all very long winded and I am going on and on about myself. After the first response to this post I was feeling really down. I read it at my other job and it struck a chord in me that made me feel really bad. It was exactly what I was afraid of when faced with in telling my story with strangers. I actually started crying at work because it felt harsh and judgemental. I went to the bathroom and took a breather. I'm glad that I chose to begin online, because a could take what I felt like a low blow and react and then gather myself and process it. The "tough love" approach doesn't sit well with some people, and I am one of those people. When you already feel like a horrible, horrid person "tough love" or whatever people call it, makes you feel even worse. With that said, I think that its amazing that the text of complete strangers can provide so much support and warmth. Thank you and I think I can do it this time. I hope the best for all of you.
kaylafay
 

Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby kaylafay » Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:10 pm

Thank you ejay99. Youre great!
kaylafay
 

Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby abclimo » Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:35 am

Kayla: Woo Hoo!!!! That is awesome!!! You can continue to do this!!! We all have to take it one day at a time, and sometimes a day is even too much. In the beginning, I would take it an hour, or 15 minutes at a time and I could get through it. It's a great feeling to wake up clear headed and not be constantly thinking about getting your drug of choice all the time (and alcohol is in that category as well). Keep posting, by staying in touch with each other, we can all continue to stay clean and sober as one addict helping another through their dark times. Hugs!
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Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby kaylafay » Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:02 pm

Yes! It feels great to wake up clear headed, but also with less guilt. I could manage the physicality of feeling horrible, because in a way that's just what became normal, but the sadness sunk in each morning and made me feel so guilt. I remember thinking, "I feel like hell right now but that's just how it is. BUT if a normal person was in my body right now they'd feel like they were dieing." I'm sure its not that dramatic, but do you know what I'm saying? So its only been a week and I'm aware that this "getting my s*$t together" high has the potential to wear off at some point. Whenever I want to drink, I'm just gonna go for a ride on my motorcycle. That's my temporary plan. What has worked for you all? Tea? Lotsa smokes? Running?
kaylafay
 

Re: sad and desperate

Unread postby abclimo » Wed Sep 14, 2011 10:08 pm

Kayla: I'm glad to see your posting. I'm a big fan of journaling. When I have the urge to use, I journal what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Sometimes I don't even know that something is bothering me until I see it on paper. Once it's on paper, I can just forget about it because it's gone from my head. I also use lots of other "distractions". I love to cook, so I go to the kitchen and create something, sometimes I exercise, sometimes I read, or try to find something interesting on television. I also log in here and post, and you can see I post lots of postings. I have also used camomile tea, because it's so calming, and if it's evening, I use sleepy time tea. I haven't experimented in the herbal remedy department yet, but I'm going to soon, so I can see what other options are out there. Definitely keep coming back and posting. And try to go to meetings, even if you don't want to share.
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