needing to feel needed

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needing to feel needed

Unread postby TomThumb » Mon Feb 02, 2009 9:12 pm

I am a greatful recovering alcoholic.I am still in my younger twentys and glad I cought the disease early but now in a strange place.Mostly all of my peers drink or drug, my parents are full blown alcos. and not that I am blaming them for my choices but thats what I thought made you a grown up since I was a kid.So I didnt waste any time to grow up early, the first chance I had I was drinking.When I went out I drank the most,the fastest,the longest. So for the most part I had a purpose and people began to count on me to liven the party.Then 21 I hit the wall and for the 3 years after I lost control. I was unable to remember anything,waking up in strange places with bumps and bruises and with a terrible feeling something was wrong...very wrong.So asap I drank that feeling away and so began the cycle.Then I fell in love, and for a while I didnt need to drink away the feelings because I had new feelings.Great feelings.I felt needed again but not long after my sick mind tried to enhance those feelings with booze.
As a musician my courage to play with, and in front of complete strangers was liquid.My way of dealing with problems and feelings was the same.But when I almost lost the woman I love I knew I had to find another way.But I shudder at the idea of going to A.A."that place is for the hopeless" I thought.And who would I be if I wasnt drunk, afterall I was drunk from moring to night and I didnt even know myself. But what I knew in my heart was by going there was to admit to my problem.When I finally gave in, feeling I had nothing left to lose I understood.I was powerless to an unforgiving disease.One that would have taken my soul had I stayed ignorant to the nature of the beast.Now I am sober and alone but not lonely.I still have my love but not so many "friends".
So in ending, My whole purpose of writing this was to see if there is anyone else out there who is sober and who feels the need to feel needed.I often am thrown a loop because as an active addict we tend to be so needy and selfish and when we finally get sober we want complete independance.But so far in my recovery I find myself still in need of so much and I get so angry because I am sober and things arent going my way today, or I have at times emotional superpowers when just one thought can throw me into a rage and make me cry while laughing.But just because I am sober doesnt entitle me to anything special.After all it is the way were supposed to live,Right? But its only when you have been down and out addicted and withdrawling that you truly love to be sober.
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Re: needing to feel needed

Unread postby Loughy » Wed Feb 04, 2009 6:43 pm

We all feel the need to be needed. It's just what you end up doing about those feelings. I've found that if you live your life right in recovery, and don't expect things, the feelings of want and need seem to dissipate. Expect to try and do the right thing and shit seems to work out... I dunno, I dont have a ton of time clean, but I do know that whatever you are looking for somehow seems to fall in to place when you live your life with the best intentions. I'm 21 so i feel where you're at... Alcohol wasn't my DOC but it doesnt matter... Whatever substance it is, still grabs us by the balls and doesn't let go.... Be happy you got your girl though... A lot of people in recovery have a lot less than that.
-Loughy
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