For MEN who are looking to meet women through AA meetings

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For MEN who are looking to meet women through AA meetings

Unread postby milkpaint » Tue Mar 17, 2009 4:37 pm

have been in AA for under a year, go to meetings regularly and have met many genuine and supportive people along the way. As much as there is to gain from these meetings, there is one factor that is not a positive. AA is supposed to feel like a safe, caring environment. That said, it is extremely undermining when some of the men at these meetings clearly interested in more; even when the interest is one sided. Newer to sobriety, (and I am told this is common) I feel vulnerable in my efforts to take a new direction. It takes courage and strength to show up to a group of strangers. A number of men seem to look for the newer and inexperienced members and are quick to impart all kinds of "advice" early in the game. After a few minutes talking to me, for example, they have found creative ways to get my contact information, sent me email, or press me for details about my life. One guy has said on two occasions (in so many words) that I must not have had much of a problem judging by the way I look. If it sounds like a compliment, it didn't FEEL like one. It felt wrong for a lot of reasons... here's one: we alcoholics are always looking for ways to see ourselves as not as bad as all the "real" alcoholics, and that WE probably don't have a true problem. Not a good mindset for the newly sober.

Here's the kind of conversation I've had more than once. The guy will start off talking and soon into the conversation asks,

"Where do you live?"
"Oh, nearby," I say.
"WHERE though?"
"About 10 minutes from here," I say and look away.
"Yeah, but what town - where do you live?!" Etc, etc."

Another subtle message was sent with a man saying the "innocently,"

"yeah, I know where A L L the women's-only meetings are, heh heh heh."

I have a friendly (but NOT AT ALL flirtatous) personality which seems to have translated into a problem in meetings. I am always told by members I "should" hang out after meetings to get to know people, I "should" come with this group or that to such-and-such a meeting. There's a lot of encouragement, and usually with good intention, to be open minded and willing to buy into the program if we are going to succeed at sobriety. When a member's motives are questonalble, it undermines everything.

I suspect some readers will think I am either conceited, paranoid, cold or am just reading into things. I am not saying poor me, and I am not saying that I am some tragic victim. I am none of those and feel lucky for this program which has saved so many lives. It is essential, though, that this feel like a safe place, not one that makes women feel closed off or suspicious about some members. If women are going to feel comfortable come to co-ed meetings (my preference because I like a variety of perspectives and the convenience of more meetings available) we have to feel valued and not objectified. Women's meetings are obviously an alternative if we can't find a comfortable co-ed meeting.

For men, I would like to add that if a woman is friendly by nature (friendly to everyone, not only to you), that is not synonymous with her being INTERESTED in you. If she's interested, you WILL KNOW and won't have to sneak subtle comments into conversation with her. When she's new, treat a woman as you would any male newcomer, or if you get to know her well, treat her as a sister. She is a person, not an object. If this were your daughter, how would you feel if her sobriety was in jeopardy because she felt uncomfortable at meetings? It is not ok to pray upon women who are at meetings to get well - to save their lives!

Please help make this a better program. The completely inappropriate concept of the "13th step" should never happen.
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Re: For MEN who are looking to meet women through AA meetings

Unread postby Thursday Aug 13 » Thu Aug 13, 2009 5:52 am

Yes, I have experienced the same stuff in the coed meetings that I attend. I'm not young and cute either, I'm in my 50's and yet have had to fend off at least 6 men in the past 6 years of sobriety. I do not try to attract attention or flirt either; I dress very conservatively and modestly unlike a lot of the women in AA who come into the rooms braless and in skimpy clingy tops, midriffs showing, shorts, etc. I am quiet and tend to stick to myself or with a few women. I've had to recently "set limits" with a married man who was too flirtatious with me, always asking me to go out with him, yadda yadda yadda. I would try to fend him off in a nice way at first but then got more angry about it and finally told him that I was uncomfortable with his flirting, that I am a church going woman who is trying to live a celibate, sober, chaste life and do not want a married man chasing after me. He didn't get it at first until I said his wife wouldn't appreciate it...he finally backed off. As much as I think AA is helpful, it is also a microcosm of the world and it has a lot of men in there who are sick and not able to think clearly about what they are doing. I am totally opposed to dating in the rooms. I did go out with someone at the 1 year mark for coffee and then that progressed to walks, movies, and dinners, and eventually I had personal issues which caused me to have to break off the friendship because I did not have the time to pursue it to the depth that the man wanted. My elderly parent had major health issues and I was just not available all the time to this man. So I felt it was best to tell him that I was not able to be a full time dating partner, and he ran. I had hoped he would have stayed around to be my friend but he didn't. Fortunately I never slept with him so there was not a lot of emotional investment in the relationship. I did feel pain when I saw him in the rooms with other women though, and I realized that it's just too painful and too risky to date in the rooms and not in the best interests of my sobriety. I have since decided that I would never date in the rooms again. I try to go to stick to myself at meetings and not get too chummy with the men, and I don't live near the meetings that I attend so I am not part of the social scene there. I go to meetings near my job and that means I just attend the meeting and leave, and do not go out with the people after the meetings, or to parties, etc. I think that's best for me and my sobriety at this point.
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Re: For MEN who are looking to meet women through AA meetings

Unread postby megaabyte » Fri Aug 28, 2009 11:42 am

I have a male sponsor. I don't have any issues with it and although some may have , I really don't care.
In owe a lot of my sobriety to his guidance and wisdom, he calls me out when appropriate. I have had men approach me at meetings but I keep it focused on the matter at hand, which is working the recovery and sobriety.
I will say that I do have trust issues with women, I have nothing against them since I am one, but I cannot open up freely to them. I feel better with talking to men. It is funny cos I work in a primarily female dominated profession but when it comes to things within me I need to share, I feel better with a man.
Just a different point of view, some may agree to disagree with me but whatever.
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Re: For MEN who are looking to meet women through AA meetings

Unread postby Galahad » Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:48 am

I - being a male and the oldest of 4 sisters (for whatever that is worth) - would just like to offer my condolences to you with respect to this. I have also been privy to and overheard these types of conversations. I think you have a very valuable and honest issue here and I hope that this does not deter you from coming to these meetings. I know I have introduced myself twice to a male in the same situation just to end the obviously uncomfortable vibe surrounding the few of us within earshot.

I am by no means trying to be a holier than thou white knight here, but at this point in all of our lives - age, experience, shame, acceptance, struggle, etc. - I agree that he was out of bounds. I also agree that the Co-Ed environment is better.

So ... Don't stop going and tell the next guy that you are not allowed to disclose your address because the F.B.I. witness protection program rules would ruin your beautiful new life from those ugly murder charges of overly questioning males. A little humor can disarm and if he does not get it then, well ... just walk away or tell him what you think. You don't owe him any further manners at that point.

I liked your comment ... I liked your handling of it. Good luck and - as my dad always said - never let the bastards get you down!
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Re: For MEN who are looking to meet women through AA meetings

Unread postby yosemite610 » Wed Sep 09, 2009 3:33 pm

I have a friend in the program, a 'slightly' older woman, who shares that for the first 6 years she thought AA was a dating service ;') She has 20+ years now, and sees how silly that was.

I've had friends in AA, women with years of sobriety, who have started acting weird at some point or another and it's been pointed out to me, sometimes directly by them, that they were hoping for the relationship to go to a more romantic level. This is after I have said very clearly I was not interested in a romantic relationship... I think it's simply a side effect of the disease we face, the disease that often convinces us that we can fill a need, longing or 'hole' with something else (like booze, sex, etc.).

On the extreme side, I have sat in a group business meeting and discussed what we could do about a particularly predatory individual. The situation was a serious one, he seemed to have no reservation as to age or length of time sober, and we took it very seriously, we felt as if there was a danger to newcomers. Eventually the group voted to have 2 of our 'Elder Statesman' types approach him with our decision (which I won't get into here).

Seriously though, if you feel there is a predator in your meeting(s), regardless of whether you want to go back or not, consider approaching the group. It is up to them and the chair-person to try and maintain a relatively safe environment for members.

This isn't just a MEN problem, it's a recovery problem.
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