I really screwed up this time..

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I really screwed up this time..

Unread postby danger maus » Thu May 07, 2009 7:02 pm

I've had issues with drinking for awhile. I go off and on with stopping, cutting back, etc. But there are always those times where I just end up losing control and drinking too much - which leads to blackouts and all sorts of behavior that ranges from the ridiculous to the obnoxious. My boyfriend and I have talked about things a bit and he really doesn't like it when I drink too much. I don't either, but it's not something I set out to do.

So anyway, Saturday night was our friend's 30th birthday. We went to the bar and everything was fine. Afterwards we were invited to a friend's house to play cards and keep drinking. We went and the boyfriend basically hung out for a little and fell asleep. I continued to drink early into the morning and blacked out. Then he woke up and wanted to leave but I wasn't ready. Arguing ensued. It came to the point where he almost left me at our friend's place, which is nearly a half hour from his house.

I've already told him before if my drinking ends up being too problematic I will quit completely. My boyfriend's not worth losing over beer. He keeps saying that he doesn't to tell me what to do, that I just need to stay in control. That works most of the time, but not always - or this situation wouldn't have happened.

Before talking to my boyfriend about what happened I spoke to a coworker of his who he tells everything to and got the whole story. It wasn't as bad as I feared, but it wasn't one of my best moments either. The boyfriend and I finally did talk and it was rough. He told me that it was my drunken state that basically saved me from him screaming at me and sending me home that minute. He says he won't leave me over this, but he needs time to himself to sort things out, calm down, and get over the whole incident. Which I guess I understand, I just hope the more he thinks about it it doesn't turn into him getting angry (because he seethes on things for a long time) all over again and saying he's just done.

He also said he wants to stop talking about moving in together and maybe not be so serious. He's suddenly no longer ready to settle down, apparently. And he's going to stop paying for stuff when we go out, because suddenly I'm the reason he's unable to save money (which was an issue we've spoke about before). I told him I'm going to stop drinking and check out AA, which didn't seem to faze him. As always, he just said he doesn't want to tell me to stop completely, but if I do drink I better have control on it because this is the last straw. If we have to go through this again he said he's leaving with no questions asked. So if I stop drinking there will be no more blackouts, hence no more drunken arguments. Problem solved, so long as I can do it. We;re perfectly fine when I'm sober. I mean obviously other stuff could still come up but it would be unrelated to this particular situation.

I want to do this. I don't need to drink, it's just when I do sometimes I go overboard and just don't know when to stop. It's like a game of Russian Roulette with my mental faculties. I'm not sure if that makes me an alcoholic or just an alcohol abuser, or whatever, but no matter what you call it there is a problem. I've been to AA meetings before, but didn't enjoy the self deprecating that seemed to be so prevalent. I'm not a "worthless drunk". I'm a worthwhile person with a shitty drinking problem. I need to find a meeting where people are supportive and not negative.
danger maus
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Re: I really screwed up this time..

Unread postby harmony1 » Wed May 20, 2009 10:15 am

I am not crazy about meetings either. I have tried to get sober going to them and it will work for a week or so and then I can't stand being dependant on a meeting. There has to be another way. I do believe in working the steps and prayer and exercise, I believe when the cravings or thoughts to drink come up, I need do to something in place of that something healthy and fast. I love working out, cooking(without the wine), studying, going on-line, cleaning my house, having a delicious coffee drink with lots of whip cream. I don't understand this alcoholism thing and I don't care I am just so tired of alcohol, a liquid screwing up my body,relationships,jobs,mental health,family, money, making me ambivalent to my goals. I have had it, today is my first day not drinking again, I will never quit quitting. One day god willing I will get it right, it's just a bad habit, like smoking. I was able to quit ciggs 12 years ago, can't stand the stuff now. I was able to quit cocaine,pills,pot. I can quit this too. I can't drink once in a while, I have one drink and next thing I know it is a year later and I have been drunk everyday, sad,alone,in jail what happened. I had a glass of wine or whatever. I am over it i will overcome this, so will you.pray for us
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Re: I really screwed up this time..

Unread postby avalon02 » Sun May 24, 2009 7:46 am

Hey There,
There is only one thing I know and that is as long as I drink I have the same problems with "I really screwed up this time" I am new to the recovery process and although I do not know what the end will be for me I have come to realize at 45 years of age I have quietly and slowly gave up my joy and my inner happiness. I have lost my boyfriend (exact same scenerio only my boyfriend has left the picture after 2 1/2 years) I have embarrassed myself at times because I am just a ton of fun when I am drinking or at least I think so. I have tried to quit , slow down, only drink on the weekends, only drink after 5:00pm you name it but what I want to say as long as I drink at all and try to control it I will eventually "really screw up this time" It comes back to bite me. I am on my 4th day of not drinking. You see I own a salon and day spa and I was told by my staff that they were going to quit if I didn't get it together. Now that would be financially devasting but at least they haven't quit yet and gave me some notice. My boyfriend wasn't so kind. The fear of facing myself sober...really sober scares me. I will have to face my demons and insecurities and I am scared of what I will see.Meetings are not for me! I much too private and trust no one but online discussions could really be the way. So the only thing I can say is I was you my whole life. Not the kind of alcoholic that falls down all the time and hides the booze but someone for years who has been saying the same thing you have said. As we get older and the same things happen over and over unless you fix the problem and that problem is the quiet progression of alcoholism. Ask your self...Do I really and truly have a problem with alcohol? And then ask yourself why you are even here in this site pouring your heart out. I understand our problem but what I want to know is do I have the strength to change this. But I know that I will need help from people like you and others and God of course!

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