I really screwed up this time..
Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 7:02 pm
I've had issues with drinking for awhile. I go off and on with stopping, cutting back, etc. But there are always those times where I just end up losing control and drinking too much - which leads to blackouts and all sorts of behavior that ranges from the ridiculous to the obnoxious. My boyfriend and I have talked about things a bit and he really doesn't like it when I drink too much. I don't either, but it's not something I set out to do.
So anyway, Saturday night was our friend's 30th birthday. We went to the bar and everything was fine. Afterwards we were invited to a friend's house to play cards and keep drinking. We went and the boyfriend basically hung out for a little and fell asleep. I continued to drink early into the morning and blacked out. Then he woke up and wanted to leave but I wasn't ready. Arguing ensued. It came to the point where he almost left me at our friend's place, which is nearly a half hour from his house.
I've already told him before if my drinking ends up being too problematic I will quit completely. My boyfriend's not worth losing over beer. He keeps saying that he doesn't to tell me what to do, that I just need to stay in control. That works most of the time, but not always - or this situation wouldn't have happened.
Before talking to my boyfriend about what happened I spoke to a coworker of his who he tells everything to and got the whole story. It wasn't as bad as I feared, but it wasn't one of my best moments either. The boyfriend and I finally did talk and it was rough. He told me that it was my drunken state that basically saved me from him screaming at me and sending me home that minute. He says he won't leave me over this, but he needs time to himself to sort things out, calm down, and get over the whole incident. Which I guess I understand, I just hope the more he thinks about it it doesn't turn into him getting angry (because he seethes on things for a long time) all over again and saying he's just done.
He also said he wants to stop talking about moving in together and maybe not be so serious. He's suddenly no longer ready to settle down, apparently. And he's going to stop paying for stuff when we go out, because suddenly I'm the reason he's unable to save money (which was an issue we've spoke about before). I told him I'm going to stop drinking and check out AA, which didn't seem to faze him. As always, he just said he doesn't want to tell me to stop completely, but if I do drink I better have control on it because this is the last straw. If we have to go through this again he said he's leaving with no questions asked. So if I stop drinking there will be no more blackouts, hence no more drunken arguments. Problem solved, so long as I can do it. We;re perfectly fine when I'm sober. I mean obviously other stuff could still come up but it would be unrelated to this particular situation.
I want to do this. I don't need to drink, it's just when I do sometimes I go overboard and just don't know when to stop. It's like a game of Russian Roulette with my mental faculties. I'm not sure if that makes me an alcoholic or just an alcohol abuser, or whatever, but no matter what you call it there is a problem. I've been to AA meetings before, but didn't enjoy the self deprecating that seemed to be so prevalent. I'm not a "worthless drunk". I'm a worthwhile person with a shitty drinking problem. I need to find a meeting where people are supportive and not negative.
So anyway, Saturday night was our friend's 30th birthday. We went to the bar and everything was fine. Afterwards we were invited to a friend's house to play cards and keep drinking. We went and the boyfriend basically hung out for a little and fell asleep. I continued to drink early into the morning and blacked out. Then he woke up and wanted to leave but I wasn't ready. Arguing ensued. It came to the point where he almost left me at our friend's place, which is nearly a half hour from his house.
I've already told him before if my drinking ends up being too problematic I will quit completely. My boyfriend's not worth losing over beer. He keeps saying that he doesn't to tell me what to do, that I just need to stay in control. That works most of the time, but not always - or this situation wouldn't have happened.
Before talking to my boyfriend about what happened I spoke to a coworker of his who he tells everything to and got the whole story. It wasn't as bad as I feared, but it wasn't one of my best moments either. The boyfriend and I finally did talk and it was rough. He told me that it was my drunken state that basically saved me from him screaming at me and sending me home that minute. He says he won't leave me over this, but he needs time to himself to sort things out, calm down, and get over the whole incident. Which I guess I understand, I just hope the more he thinks about it it doesn't turn into him getting angry (because he seethes on things for a long time) all over again and saying he's just done.
He also said he wants to stop talking about moving in together and maybe not be so serious. He's suddenly no longer ready to settle down, apparently. And he's going to stop paying for stuff when we go out, because suddenly I'm the reason he's unable to save money (which was an issue we've spoke about before). I told him I'm going to stop drinking and check out AA, which didn't seem to faze him. As always, he just said he doesn't want to tell me to stop completely, but if I do drink I better have control on it because this is the last straw. If we have to go through this again he said he's leaving with no questions asked. So if I stop drinking there will be no more blackouts, hence no more drunken arguments. Problem solved, so long as I can do it. We;re perfectly fine when I'm sober. I mean obviously other stuff could still come up but it would be unrelated to this particular situation.
I want to do this. I don't need to drink, it's just when I do sometimes I go overboard and just don't know when to stop. It's like a game of Russian Roulette with my mental faculties. I'm not sure if that makes me an alcoholic or just an alcohol abuser, or whatever, but no matter what you call it there is a problem. I've been to AA meetings before, but didn't enjoy the self deprecating that seemed to be so prevalent. I'm not a "worthless drunk". I'm a worthwhile person with a shitty drinking problem. I need to find a meeting where people are supportive and not negative.