by pollyarb » Sat May 08, 2010 3:35 pm
Last night was the last straw for me, and as usual it ended with me upset at my friends blaming them for my embarrassment and state of blackout drunk. I'm so tired of having to apologize the next day b/c i did something stupid. I'm tired of putting myself on hiatus from seeing my friends after an awful night of drinking to only do the same things over upon return. I cant drink without getting drunk, and i cant drink without getting blackout. There are times when i think i have control over it b/c ill have a really good night and stay somewhat just tipsy through the night. Then this leads me to believe that i'm fine and dont have a problem. I know its not tru, but i just cant seem to shake the lifestyle. I am 22 and a recent college grad and i have convinced myself that this is normal behavior. I am so afraid, and even more a coward, to admit to myself that I am an Alcoholic.
Last night was the last straw for me as well as my friends. They didn't say it, they didn't have to. I could see it in they're eyes. The sheer embarrassment of being out with me and not knowing if i'm going to do something stupid. I'm afraid to even talk to them after last night, I am so ashamed. I love my friends, but it makes me mad that they can handle drinking casually. I know if I fully commit to AA i wont be able to hang around them anymore because every outing consists of going to club and bars. I'm afraid of of a lot. And rambling because i'm confused and just need to talk about all of this, even if it doesnt make sense. I dont know what to do but i know i cant continue like i am.
Last night was the last straw for me as well as my friends and family. I cant keep up the lie anymore. Its getting harder and harder to hide my addiction. They have started asking my me right out and i lie. Though my words deny, my actions tell a different story.
Last night was the last straw. There have been many last straws. I'm not sure when and if it will end.