I told my son not to come back

[reen]

I just told my 32 year old son last week that I don't want to see him again until he can prove to me that he has been clean and sober for 6 months. Now he says he is going into rehab. He is not working so he won't be able to get a place when he gets out and the only other people he has are addicts and alcohol users. Is it sensible to go back on my word when he gets out and let him stay with me again? or should I keep the door closed and pray for the best?

[kymba]

I just told my 32 year old son last week that I don't want to see him again until he can prove to me that he has been clean and sober for 6 months. Now he says he is going into rehab. He is not working so he won't be able to get a place when he gets out and the only other people he has are addicts and alcohol users. Is it sensible to go back on my word when he gets out and let him stay with me again? or should I keep the door closed and pray for the best?

Hi reen, If your son does go to rehab, hopefully he can stay there until he is comfortable with himself and upon leaving, continues support. Most rehabs will offer suggestions for him, including half-way houses. Depending where you are, that may be a good or bad idea. I don't particularly care for that option. Other options are out-patient counseling on a weekly basis, along with testing after he comes out of rehab. If he's sober, he won't mind. Instead of making a harsh decision now, be involved and supportive of him, only if he voluntarily goes to rehab and proves he wants to better himself. I would not let him move in now, I would take him to the nearest rehab. While he is there, go to the rehab if there are parent meetings, visit him, visit the counselors, let him know you care and are serious. Discuss with him that he will have to get a job, help towards the house and stay sober when he returns. Tell him he will have to stay away from the environments that pull him down. If he falters, then it's time for you to make harsh decision. I've been there. Unfortunately, I was involuntarily committed to an asylum and the psychiatrist told my family not to "enable" me. Unfortunately, they alienated me and isolated me. Enabling and supporting someone are two total different things. Had I had the support when I was "released" I would have not drank again. Hence, a 30 day rehab was perfect. Unfortunately, I went back into the same unhappy environment. You are showing you care. Your son is 32, he's an adult. He is very lucky to have you in his life.

The worst thing someone can do is go to a rehab and then return to the environment and friends they have come from. You may private message me or e-mail me if you'd like.

[jen]

Dear Reem,

I attend a parents alanon meeting in nyc and am 12 ears sober. , I know how painful this is and how resourceless you can feel. The sad truth e cannot control our alchol/ drug dependant sons. We can only choose not to deal with the insanity of having to watch our children hurt themselves. I'm glad to hear him say he's going to rehab. When my son came out I told him he could live with me under 3 conditions
1, he get a job,any job immediately. In the interim he work as a volunteer until he finds one,
2. he attend daily aa meetings
3. No drugs or alcohol you may want to insist he pee in a cup ad you have that tested.

If he screws up, he needs to leave your house immediately. No second chances. You need to find a supportive "al anon" of "families anonymous" group. What qwe need to do for our sons is counter-intuitive and we need support of other parents who get it. Wishing you the best,

[PAINFULTRUTHSAVEDMYLIFE]

Dear REEM,

I have been around the program of AA for some time now and have experience in dealing with parents in the program. I am a recovered Alcoholic myself after having been through the steps and continually incorporating and practicing them in my daily life. My experience in matters such as these are that in order for your son to truly become free he has to gain the experience to make his own decisions. By you allowing him to come back and live at home you are only reaffirming the fact that no matter what he does in this life he can always run from responsibility and come back. Your son is a 32 yr old Man, and an alcoholic there is nothing you can do for him that can help him except be supportive through words, it is time for him to go through it and I will pray that he comes through the other side. I say this completely out of love for both of you.

So to be perfectly clear:

DO NOT LET HIM LIVE AT HOME.EVER.PERIOD
This doesn't mean you do not love him, in fact it means you love him more than anyone except you can comprehend.
Explain to him that however painful this is for you, it is only feeding his disease to not allow him to stand on his two feet.
Reach out to Ala non in your community. fracturedbeforethefall@yahoo.com I know of some very thorough people you can speak to that experiences similar to mine if that sounds like something you would like email me and I will have them talk to you. GOD LOVES YOU HE IS WITH YOU RIGHT NOW MORE THAN EVER.

[CF]

You shouldn't abandon him. What kind of mother would leave him hanging after he makes an effort. Unless the problems are violence or theft that come from his drinking and drugging, you should do everything you an to help him. After he gets out of rehab a job will come along and sober living houses cost money. The only place he will have to go is back to his party friends.

[khurshidkazim1@yahoo.com]

I just told my 32 year old son last week that I don't want to see him again until he can prove to me that he has been clean and sober for 6 months. Now he says he is going into rehab. He is not working so he won't be able to get a place when he gets out and the only other people he has are addicts and alcohol users. Is it sensible to go back on my word when he gets out and let him stay with me again? or should I keep the door closed and pray for the best?

[Teacher58]

I can totally empathize! One aspect that is tossed into my story is that I'm living with my boyfriend -we're both divorced and over 50- Long story short-he now has his recovering 23yo son and 21 yo daughter (with her very mature boyfriend) living here. I too vacillate between should he "push them out of the nest" and in your case, let him back in. Your love for your child is beyond words, but where does the love of oneself fit it. I'm a nervous wreck living here. My boyfriend is use to dealing with this stuff over the years. He's a big, big enabler. I love him for his love of his children, but when does loving your adult children include taking them in and dealing with the stress they bring to the home. I use to call where I'm living "home". It has occurred to me today that is a house that I live in.
Thank you for listening...as you can see I have no answers either. It was by chance that I read your letter and validating for me that others face this issue. I'm not alone like I have been. I hope to reach out again with some guidance or wisdom.

[Rain]

You don't mention if you are in a 12 step program yourself. If you are not now, I strongly suggest going to Al-Anon.

the only other people he has are addicts and alcohol users.

That's ok. After all, that's who you are asking for advice. Now is the time for him to depend on God, as he understands him. Not to depend on his Mother. Besides the 12 steps of AA, there are 12 traditions that he will be trying to work to the best of his ability as well. Tradition Seven states that we are self supporting through our own contributions. This issue is addressed in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If he is working the program, he may not ask to stay with you.

Is it sensible to go back on my word when he gets out and let him stay with me again? or should I keep the door closed and pray for the best?

Prayer is always good.

[Sissi0803]

I can tell you from my experience when my parents turned their back, it made me worse and I felt all alone and drank more.