Fiance refuses help!

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Fiance refuses help!

Unread postby mwoody3333 » Mon Feb 28, 2011 12:03 pm

Hi,

I am in a relationship with a 41 year old woman who have been an alcoholic all her life. We have been engaged since December 2010, but I fear that everything has been exposed since we moved in together in Nov 2010. She doesn't drink everyday, but it's a least once a week, on average. She has gone almost 2 months without a drink...as far as I know. But, their are some issues that lead to this...her childhood, was the worst I could image. What makes it worst, is that her mother maintains a relationship with the man who made the childhood terrible, from afar. He lives in NY, while she moved down here last year. As recently as Valentine's Day, my fiance found a letter in her mother's room from this man. She has two sisters who are both victims of this unreported crime, as well. But, everyone is in a victim mode...all the time. I cannot have a conversation with any of them because I am solution oriented. I am a retired soldier with two jobs and go to school full-time. I am also preparing for law school in fall of 2012. I don't drink and have never been around this kind of situation before. But, my activities seem to give opportunity for the drinking. I am afraid that I am losing my mind now...I try to talk, I try to help...but I lose it. I feel as I am talking to a child. I told her that I know that these situations are going to impact her life...I just don't expect them to control her. Now, I run at night because when she drinks and goes to sleep, she has nightmares that kick me out of bed. I feel as the negativity is controlling me now. She refuses help, even though she doesn't have custody of her child as well. Now, I find myself raising my voice, and if you have ever been around a yelling Army sergeant, that's not good. She does nothing to care for me, any situation...paying bills, flat tire...will bring on tears of anger as she yells at me that she doesn't feel safe. Any situation she doesn't feel safe. No, realizing that she doesn't have any coping skills, prioritization skills, and seems like is doesn't value our relationship...I'm ready to bounce. But, I know it's because of these issues. We are renting a house and I want to move out...but I know that will send her crashing again. So, I feel like I am controlled by these situations. She has a great government job...but that is a clever mask she wears at work, another for home. I'm just realizing the difference. Help!!!!!
mwoody3333
 

Re: Fiance refuses help!

Unread postby thorobrdgirl1980 » Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:17 pm

The best i can offer you, is to attend AL-Anon meetings. The reason you feel like her drinking is controling every aspect of your life is... because it is. my husband is an alcoholic, so i do know what you are going through. It sounds to me, like she could really benefit from going to councelling to help her deal with her childhood issues. Very likely, when she began drinking, she was very young, and from an anatomical standpoint, the frontal lobe of the brain is the last to develope, and is highly inhibited, and in a very real sense, the alcoholic's ageing process is stalled there. when you feel you are talking to a child, this is why. it is important that you do a few things for yourself.... to keep from enabling her. stop cleaning up the messes. I mean that in many senses of the words. in order to see what she is doing to you, she needs to see the messes... such as when the bills.. don't pay them if they don't directly addect your well-being, and the physical messes (in my case, my husbands beer bottles). thankfully, my husband made the decision to sight himself into Drug and Alcohol rehab... and is there right now.. so i feel i was successful, that these things helped him come to the realizaation he has a problem. And i NEVER suggested rehab, he made the decision on his own, so i hope this helps a little.
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