Need an ear...

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Need an ear...

Unread postby levy3232 » Tue Aug 30, 2011 9:36 pm

I have been with the same man for a little over 4 years. We recently got married, I don't know if that was the best decision, but I love him and I picture myself with him for the rest of my life. He has always been a drinker, I have watched him suffer so much and in my head I truly think that I can help him, (once I write it out it sounds even more stupid) I do love him, I can not tolerate his drinking anymore though. He has gone to rehab twice in the past 4 years, we even moved 500 miles from home to start a new life. We have since then came back to our hometown. I am a drinker too, not alcoholic though. I enjoy going out with friends and having a good time once in a while. I am willing to give that up for the time being or forever, need be. I will help him in any way possible. I feel weak, I feel like he doesn't think I will ever leave. Will I leave if he doesn't get the help he needs? His drinking is out of control. He drinks at all hours of every day. Everyday of the week. He will be at the store in the morning as soon as it opens to get the vodka he needs. (He swears vodka doesn't smell!) He drinks at work, while driving, sitting on the couch, whatever. He drinks until he passes out. Not all the time but a few times a month we go through this. This time I am at my knees. His party started Friday...we are now at the end of Tuesday, he woke up about 2 hours ago. He lies straight to my face regarding the drinking, thinking I can't tell he has been drinking/is drunk. I don't really know what I expect to get out of this website. I just need someone to give me a hopeful story, similar story. Help...
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Re: Need an ear...

Unread postby robertoZ » Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:05 pm

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
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Re: Need an ear...

Unread postby DesperateMom3 » Wed Aug 31, 2011 7:49 am

Need an ear,
You and I have a very similar situation. My fiance and I met 5 years ago in a bar. I already had a son and when my son would go to his father's we would go out every weekend and drink. I didn't know anything about him really or his family history. As the months went on, I learned so many things...He had been in an accident in California and someone had died, but they couldn't determine who was driving. A month before we met, he fell asleep at a traffice light after leaving the bar. His father was an alcoholic( he died two years ago from his drinking; 63 years old), his grandmother on his mother's side was an alcoholic. After getting his DUI for falling asleep he violated his probabtion from the CA incident. I went out there with him for court and he had to get a bracelet put on that can determine any alcohol in the system. The courts required him to come back to California and he had to go to jail, until a spot opened up for him at a rehab. We weren't even together for a year at this point and I decided my love for this man was too strong and I was going to help him in a way that I could. I went and visited him in rehab and he looked great; healthy. He came home after 9 long months and was at it again. I made excuses for him ; such as he can only drink beer, he doesn't get nasty or blackout when he just drinks beer; but beer is never enough. We became pregnant and he was good for a while. After we had our son, I immeadiately became pregnant again with our daughter and it all went down hill from there. He caused a rift between his family and I. I ended up movcing home with my mom, because I couldn't stand the fighting and drinking. Due to the economy he had to move back home with his mom and we developed hatred for one another. I was pregnant raising and infant and a 7 year old all alone. He barely came to see us and when he did, he was nasty and almost always smelt like liquor. We finally got back together as a family under one roof and we decided it was finally time to get married. I didn't realize how bad his problem was until we started living together again. I found 12 empty whiskey bottles all tucked away in his trailer. For some reason he never throws his bottles out, he hides them. I have found 10 more since then and I'm not talking about the small ones. He continues ot hide them outside of our house, in tree trunks in between tires, pretty much anywhere he thinks I wouldn't look. The most recent bottle I found, he claims I rehid it just so I could start a fight. I love this man with all that I am, but I had to leave to take my kids out of that situation. He avoided going over his parents, because he didn't want to deal with his father that way. I don't understand why he would want that life for his kids? I wonder why we aren't good enough for him to stop. All of this termoil we've been through and I have always stuck by his side. The lying and denying it is getting worse. He refuses to attend and AA meeting or any type of counseling for that matter. He is accusing me of having a boyfriend, calling me every name in the book, doesn't ask to see our kids or even ask how they are, then the next day it's all heartfelt apologies and please come home. He never once apologizes for the drinking he will not say he drinks too much and it's very hard to deal with, especially when I know the truth. I hope my story helps you realize you're not alone. I completely understand the uncontrollable love you can have for someone. I realized I've done all I can do and our kids are what matter most. Hopefully one day he'll realize he needs help and I'll be here waiting to help him. I wish you the best of luck and you'll make the right decision.
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Re: Need an ear...

Unread postby DesperateMom » Wed Aug 31, 2011 8:28 am

Need an ear,
I have a similar story. We have been planning our wedding for a few months now, we have three children. My oldest is from another relationship. They are 8, 2 and 1. My fiance drinks whiskey and denies it everytime I try and call him out on it. I find myself searching for the bottle just to prove I'm not crazy. I always recover and empty. He hide's them around our yard. I've only seen him drink from a bottle a few times. He does the same as your husband; drives around and returns home drunk. I recently left our home, not because I don't love him or I'm done trying to help him, but because of our children. His father passed away two years ago from alcoholism and he avoided going to his parents because he didn't want to deal with any of it. So I sit here wondering why he would do this to his own family? I don't want to live without him. It's not because we have children together, it's because this man is the love of my life and I can't imagine living without him. I will if I have to, but he will be a part of my life regardless. My issue is, if I stay away...can I ensure that my children will be safe with him alone? Will he drink and then drive around with them? He is not abusive, nor do I ever think he would become that way...but you never know. He is nasty when he drinks and has said many things he can never take back. His aunt gave me advice the other day( she took care of her mother; my fiance's grandmother who also suffered from alcoholism). She said you can do one of two things; leave...or stay and just learn to live your own life. Don't rely on him for anything, don't argue because you will never get anywhere with a drunk. It's easier said than done; I know. I had to take the route of leaving because I do not want my kids to be around him like that. He tells me I left because I don't think he provides for us, and I left because his sister told me to, etc....he never owns up to the fact that it is his drinking. I used to make excuses for him; he can only drink beer or wine because he doesn't black out of become nasty with his comments. I realize I was only being an enabler. This is a very hard situation for anyone involved. I am fortunate enought to have the support of my family and his family. I can only hope you have the same. I too am willing to never drink again...and I've been told that I can't stop living my life, because he has a problem. I don't belive that to be true. If someone is your life, then you will do whatever it takes to try and help them better themselves. I am going to my first Al Anon meeting this Sunday. I am scared to death, because I'm afraid I'll know someone else there and I feel embarrassed. But then I realized they will be there for the same reasons as me. We live in a small town so it's very hard to keep your business to yourself. My fiance has lost all his friends and he blames that on me and the fact that we have kids, meanwhile all of our "old friends" have children too. They have all pushed him away because he isn't the happy-go-lucky guy he used to be. I hope that this little bit of my story helps you to realize you're not alone and only you will know that the best decision is for you. I say try the meeting, it can't hurt. Best of luck!
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Re: Need an ear...

Unread postby krissy » Sun Oct 23, 2011 9:04 am

sounds all so like my life. we have been living together for 4 yrs. but he didnt start drinking till about 2 yrs into the relationship. he was working out of town with a family member (that is a alcohlic) and when he came back home after uhm 4 months of working there i noticed a change. and it is vodka too he tried to hide it but he doesnt anymore well he doesnt denie it. he keeps saying let me understand my journey. his whole family are recvering addicts or alcohlics. some still drink so he has been to the 12 step programs but he only makes it to step 3 and he is back on it i am scared, and wanting to leave but i do love him but i cannot stand that sweet freaking smell of vodka oooo it makes me pissed.
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Re: Need an ear... an addicts perspective (the wrong one)

Unread postby Ellie » Fri Dec 09, 2011 12:43 pm

I know that this forum is for the friends and family of alcoholics but I heard such soulful cries from the posts on here I wanted to respond. I hope the moderators allow it. What struck me is the cries of why your other halves want to throw you away for the bottle; That drink is more important than you... It breaks my heart to read :0(

18 months ago - after being together for 18 months, I married the love of my life. We had known each other for almost 20 years. Dated for five years at the beginning of that, 10 year break, then got together again for keeps. Soul mates. In our relationship first time round - we were young, innocent(ish) etc... all was fine. We only split as our paths needed to take different directions. No love was lost.

During the ten years we were apart - my heart ached for him every day. The understanding. The best friends bit. No-one and nothing came close to the completeness I found when I was with him. It was the rightest thing in the world to reunite and wed. I hope that portrays my / our depth of love, trust and oneness for each other.

Oh God alcohol is a heinous drug. I used to be sweet natured, driven, happy, healthy. Now I am destroying the only thing i ever wanted. My everything.
During those ten years apart from my sweetheart I fell in with a hard working, socialising career scene. I never drank before - but that career brought booze into my life and by the end of it - addiction had snuck in. I'd cultured it - albeit inadvertently. Doesn't matter how/when/why.. point is it's there. I stopped drinking for two whole years. Then re-met my now husband. We had a bottle of champagne to celebrate. (I was honest about my alcoholism BEFORE we even got together again - but that is a different story).

Since that first bottle of bubbly, the drink has slowly - over three years - gotten louder and louder. And now I am worse than ever before. I KNOW that while OF COURSE I would rather NOT have a drink and stay forever with my darling husband and not drive him away - which will eventually happen (how tragic is that!?!?) an alcoholic's mind will trick them into saying that one glass/bottle or whatever doesn't matter.

For me - it's never 1. It's 1 and then whatever else I can see/find/buy/get etc.... until i pass out. Lately - i have become abusive towards my beautiful man. Huge fight. My drunken fault. I'm six days in on not touching a drop since that night. But I STILL want a drink ~ even though I know what it will cost me in weeks/months/years down the line (divorce, loneliness, homeless, death). Crazy huh. Stupid. Irresponsible. Destructive and lots of other words like that - to myself and my loved ones. I DO care - desperately. But at the same time - I don't. This is what alcohol does to your brain if you are an addict. The need for it overrides all else. I will be sorry in years to come if i don't quit forever. But does that matter to me now?

I am sure that your husbands love you so much - but they are unable to stop their behaviour. For the love of God for all concerned, it's ultimatum time from you to them: AA and recovery - or leave.

I wish you the very best of luck, strength to follow through and happiness in whatever the outcomes eventually are.

Ellie.
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