When she comes home
Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 11:26 pm
My wife will be coming home from inpatient rehab in about a week or two. She was in for alcohol, but also took my sons ADHE meds We are both 45 and married for 15 years…This is her second time. The first was a year ago when she went to a different place for a week.
I read all these stories have how horrible their addicted mate made their lives. I really don’t have any stories like that. For the most part she would cook and rink wine and pass out later in the evening. I mean I knew it was an issue and I know the kids saw(14yo son, 20yo daughter), but she wasn’t abusive, she always very loving, for the most part. This has been going on for about 2 years and she suggested she go to rehab, she really wants to get better and live sober.
So she’s in a 30 day rehab and coming home soon. I’ve been reading online about what to expect when she comes home and it doesn’t sound good. I’ve been to my first al anon meeting last night at her request and most of the discussion was about dealing with an active alcoholic and having to detach because I have no control over her addiction.
To be honest, the last 20 days or so have been pretty nice. I was a complete mess for the first few days but quickly found a sense of calm. I cleaned, or I’m in the process of cleaning up the bills, since she messed them up pretty bad with the shopping (mostly QVC). I’m not made at her, I just want her to get better.
I speak with her ever few days, as I told her to call when she feels up to it. She keeps mentioning that we need a complete life style change, which I agree with. I think we began to isolate ourselves. I know when she first comes home she will be busy with her recovery, going to 90 meetings in 90 days and her IOP. I will support her in what she needs to do. I know I should take care of myself, which means going to al anon meetings (But I don’t really get al anon, I’m a bit narcissistic and find moments of happiness for myself, don’t feel angry ). Actually I don’t know what I feel, maybe I detected too much. I know I love her because I was an enabler in the sense that I would do whatever she asked and I thought I could fix her by loving her more ( in my mind, that meant doing everything she asked for or needed).I would try to do anything to reduce her stress level ( I think a lot of her drink was due to stress and a way to escape the feelings). The reason I say I don’t know how I feels is I know I won’t go through this again. When she was using I was at the point of, I could take her or leave her it really didn’t matter. I’m tired and don’t know how much more I can give or willing to give. Even before all this, my wife always said marriage is hard. I disagree, I think life is hard and marriage should be easy with the knowledge that the one person in the world you can be yourself with is your partner…good mood, bad mood, cranky…..they love you and accept you. Now it can’t be all one side, but you know what I m mean.
I have all these irrational fears, guess from reading too much stuff on the web like Rehab romance which I understand, but fear. She also told me to watch When a Man loves a women, can’t find it on Netflix, Vudu, Zune or on demand, but I read the description on IMDB. Is she trying to prep me that she has changed and my not want me anymore? She’s always been strong, but does she know something I don’t?
Wow, sorry about the rambling, but what can I expect when she comes home? What can I do to support her without enabling her?
I read all these stories have how horrible their addicted mate made their lives. I really don’t have any stories like that. For the most part she would cook and rink wine and pass out later in the evening. I mean I knew it was an issue and I know the kids saw(14yo son, 20yo daughter), but she wasn’t abusive, she always very loving, for the most part. This has been going on for about 2 years and she suggested she go to rehab, she really wants to get better and live sober.
So she’s in a 30 day rehab and coming home soon. I’ve been reading online about what to expect when she comes home and it doesn’t sound good. I’ve been to my first al anon meeting last night at her request and most of the discussion was about dealing with an active alcoholic and having to detach because I have no control over her addiction.
To be honest, the last 20 days or so have been pretty nice. I was a complete mess for the first few days but quickly found a sense of calm. I cleaned, or I’m in the process of cleaning up the bills, since she messed them up pretty bad with the shopping (mostly QVC). I’m not made at her, I just want her to get better.
I speak with her ever few days, as I told her to call when she feels up to it. She keeps mentioning that we need a complete life style change, which I agree with. I think we began to isolate ourselves. I know when she first comes home she will be busy with her recovery, going to 90 meetings in 90 days and her IOP. I will support her in what she needs to do. I know I should take care of myself, which means going to al anon meetings (But I don’t really get al anon, I’m a bit narcissistic and find moments of happiness for myself, don’t feel angry ). Actually I don’t know what I feel, maybe I detected too much. I know I love her because I was an enabler in the sense that I would do whatever she asked and I thought I could fix her by loving her more ( in my mind, that meant doing everything she asked for or needed).I would try to do anything to reduce her stress level ( I think a lot of her drink was due to stress and a way to escape the feelings). The reason I say I don’t know how I feels is I know I won’t go through this again. When she was using I was at the point of, I could take her or leave her it really didn’t matter. I’m tired and don’t know how much more I can give or willing to give. Even before all this, my wife always said marriage is hard. I disagree, I think life is hard and marriage should be easy with the knowledge that the one person in the world you can be yourself with is your partner…good mood, bad mood, cranky…..they love you and accept you. Now it can’t be all one side, but you know what I m mean.
I have all these irrational fears, guess from reading too much stuff on the web like Rehab romance which I understand, but fear. She also told me to watch When a Man loves a women, can’t find it on Netflix, Vudu, Zune or on demand, but I read the description on IMDB. Is she trying to prep me that she has changed and my not want me anymore? She’s always been strong, but does she know something I don’t?
Wow, sorry about the rambling, but what can I expect when she comes home? What can I do to support her without enabling her?