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I am new to this site,need help and advice.

Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 5:10 pm
by hurting38
I am mother of 3 small kids,and wife of alcoholic and cocaine user for 10 years.Still until today he denies he has a trouble.He treats me with disrespect,lies to me and most of all does not come home for 2-3 days almost each week.I did test him few times for drugs,it came positive,but of course it was wrong test.He drinks straight for 2-3 days.He promise to stop,and each time it is different,but no change,and it is-roller coaster.My kids are broken hearth-ed,as they wake up to learn,daddy did not come home again,and so the trip he promised to them will not happened.They suffer and are sad as how dysfunctional family we have,and how dad lie to mom,and how I am miserable unhappy person.I have no friends,no social life.I work hard,take care of kids,household,and manage to help others ,but 10 years is too long,nothing has changed ,and i am tiered,exhausted,angry.I want to separate,but he refuse it.He has anger issue,and after his drinking episodes,blames all on me.He had many accidents,we lost 2 homes,he moves his business from location to location,and makes big promises,has big dreams,but it is not happening.What is my step to move out? I cant deal with it any more or support his wrong doing.I cant accept it that alcoholism is disease. Please help.I am not sure meting will help me either,as I want to just get out and have a peace. I cant take it any more all the stressful nights waiting for him to come home,and hoping I wont get call ,that he had an accident or so......He started group therapy and counseling 1 time per week,but right next day he drinks ...

Re: I am new to this site,need help and advice.

Unread postPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 4:31 pm
by SoberMomOfThree
Dear Hurting38, I deeply sympathize what you are going through. My personal opinion is you have done enough to help him and need to move on to a happier life and take your kids with you. He will not get help while you keep the household running. You need to physically get yourself and your children away from him so you can all emotionally heal. I myself come from a family of addicts (food, gambling, and especially alcohol). A few years ago, due to what I refer to as the "perfect storm" of stress, I began to come home each night after work and calm my nerves with a glass of wine. The one glass eventually became two, then three and, for quite some time after that I would go through roller-coaster bouts of resolving to quit and then... end up binge drinking later on at some point... and swearing I would never drink again. This horrendous cycle continued for a very long time and took a horrible toll on my three young children. I finally put myself in rehab this past June. The best decision I have ever made for myself...FYI, there are 28 days in-patient rehab programs out there for people w/o health insurance. My 35 year-old cousin who lost his job, home, driver's license, everything was admitted to a 28-day in-patient rehab..he just had to wait for the state insurance to come through (it took about 5 or 6 business days). Getting back to you husband, the other suggestion I have is to call your primary care physician and ask him/her to connect you with a recovering alcoholic, an AA or Al-Anon group representative, and maybe even a therapist who specializes in interventions. If you, your children, your and your husband's friends and family all come together and tell him he must go to rehab you may have a much better chance of his willingness to try a recovery program. However, if you do have an intervention, the addict should go to rehab that evening or the following AM. This is essential. Please don't discount programs like AA or Al-Anon. I have met people in AA who 1) will not let me give up on my sobriety work...b/c alcoholism is a life-long actual disease. I realize you can't accept this now...I didn't for a long time...but after much recovery therapy, help, guidance, and support for Al-Anon and AA members, you realize that no one truly desires to be an addict whether it be hoarding, booze, drugs, shopping, gambling, tobacco, etc. Hang in there. I hope this helped a little. I certainly don't have the answers but I can tell you you are not alone and there is help out there...just keep communicating on this site and start making phone calls. I don't consider myself a religious person but I am very spiritual and I want you to know I will pray for you, your children and your husband. Warmest wishes to you.

Re: I am new to this site,need help and advice.

Unread postPosted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:23 pm
by hurting38
Thank you for your advice. I am aware it is time for me to take an action,because
Roller coaster will never kids are most important,and I don't want them to think it is ok to accept his behavior and lies,to make sure it will not be repeated by them.i was not sure of free 28 day program.He is doing outpatient therapy,and he goes drink right next day.i am exhausted ,and worry one day my nerves will give up,and then my kids will have nobody , I will go to one of the meetings!but I feel as I need to learn the way to leave!instead of way to cope with addict?I have life ahead of me and I am hungry for love!understanding and peace !freedom?thank you for advice! I am sure I am not alone.

Repl yto: I am new to this site,need help and advice.

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2014 8:11 pm
by skinnyshinny95
Hi, I'm telling you, you're telling my story. You can do whatever you want, but Alanon is great. It helped me off and on for the past 29+ years. I had 3 young children in the beginning too, and I was nuts. I don't really even remember what anyone said....except some simple tips, like one day at a time- just for today....basic beginner stuff that we all still use.....years later. The people there understood as few others could. They too were lonely and frustrated. We continue to find solutions to live our lives, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I now am dealing with one of my children (27yrs old) who is an iv heroine addict- in jail, and learning how to live without her drugs and alcohols of choice. Without alanon, well,,,,i won't be without alanon. It works! It helps! and I can have a good/great life. It's my choice. My husband has 27 years clean and sober! We've both come along way, and are married still for 32 years. Our relationship continues to improve each day. We're fortunate, and it's taken a bit of blood, sweat and many tears....nothing's really easy, I guess. Hang in there. Go to some meetings for awhile before you throw in the towel. I'm not giving advice...but sharing my experience strength and hope. good luck. i'm here if you need me.