in DESPERATE need of help

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in DESPERATE need of help

Unread postby confused1205 » Sat Oct 05, 2013 8:42 am

:cry: ok so im new to this whole online thing. and ive recently well about 9 months ago(continuous) relapsed after having 3 years of clean time . now i really dont know what to do because in them 3 years ive met someone and yes things moved pretty fast but we have 2 children and yes he is also a recovering addict who relapsed now we both want to get clean again . ok so let me back this story up a little bit ... there was a time when we were livin in a home along with my mom (no we werent living at home with mommy) she was movin soon into her boyfriends house and the apt would be taken over by me my fiance and our kids (it was owned by someone we noe and since we both have horible credit from past debts when we were on drugs before the landlord worked with us and gave us a chance...now in the time my mom was still here a cousin of mine had asked to stay here because she got evicted from were she was staying and long story short she is deep into her addiction... now my mom new it wasnt a good idea because of me nd my fiance both being recovering addicts but she just couldnt see a family member with her kids on the street so she came to our home and i CANNOT BLAME THIS but a mixture her in her addiction being right in my face everyday all day && i was also givin a script of percocet after i had my second son then right there was my downfall i let the cravings i starting getting get the best of me and i accepted that perscription instead of turning it down (like i did after having my first son)so i knew what i was doing and figured u no a couple days feeling like this and my cravings and urges will soon go away i also was going threw a rough time with the post partum depression after my second son... drs said it tends to happen alot when kids are close in age (mines are 13 months apart) so i get it was alot of diffrent things weighin on the reason i relapsed but my number one being I AM AN ADDICT AND I WASN`T STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT MY URGES... now im stuck at a HARD time in life were i have no answers && really need help i have a few options ... we can put ourselves away into another detox prgram ... we have the options to stay at a family members house and detox there were we can still be around family and most importantly ill still have my kids in arms length (reason for going to a family member house is so im not away from my kids but there is someone to take care of the boys while were sick) so im really leaning towards the family member house i no this post is ALL over the place but to get to the bottom of things i feel like a straight scumbag knowing i have 2 beautiful children and an amazing fiance && i chose to pick up this disgusting pill habit AGAIN does this happen often? i figured after having 3 years clean i wouldnt have to no longer worry about this ive NEVER been to a meeting outside of when i was in rehab ... ive never picked up the n/a books and 3 years after living clean ( i wont say sober because i wasnt following no books or didnt have a sponser or anythhing like that) and BAM im back to being the monster i was ive lost alot of my friends(due to me cutting everyone out of nmy life because i no im living a great big lie) we both lost our job(due to being him getting caught stealing and being arrested which we were both doing and i just refuse to go back) i have a million and one questions because i ont know were to turn knowing people will talk... because even talking to a friend last night she told me its weird cause in her own words she had NO CLUE I WAS BACK TO USING she would see me during the day and its was like i was the great mom she always knew never neglected to put my kids first and she said (which kinda hurt) i was a NORMAL HUMAN BEING... then i told her it was once i knew my kids were in bed for the night i would bam call the dealer and live my "other life" i dont understand how i do this... someone please give me some advice im driving myself absolutley insane i just want to be back to the way i was when i was clean!!
confused1205
 

Re: in DESPERATE need of help

Unread postby Rob M. » Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:32 am

Hi,

"It works til it don't" is what they used to tell me. And what that means is that we can continue staying sober on our owns but that eventually it will not work any more. There's no need to feel shame, you just had to learn the hard way that there are requirements to staying sober. Addiction is always compared to a disease in the sense that there is no cure, but there are steps we can take in order to recover and live healthily. The first step is accepting that living a happy/sober life will require action that has to be taken, not forever, but just one day at a time.

We've all played the Dr. Jecklle Mr. Hyde and hid our addictions from our friends and family and made it seem like everything was all okay.

I'd recommend getting to an AA meeting ( I personally don't like NA meetings but i am an addict as well), and approach a woman who really knows what she's talking about. A woman who has something that you want. And ask her what you have to do to get it.
Rob M.
 

Re: in DESPERATE need of help

Unread postby loubear62 » Fri Sep 19, 2014 7:34 pm

thanks for posting this reply. i needed to read that. "it" stopped working for me cause i was doing it my way - going through life sober but without any support system and i stopped going to meetings so i stopped sharing about my sober, yet difficult and drama filled life. you are so right when you say that shame is pretty much useless. it's what our addiction wants us to do to stay sick and keep using. we will always be sick, there is no cure, just abstinence and working it. avoiding the obvious good choices is sometimes easier than getting off the couch and doing the work to stay happier, healthier and clean. anyone that's been there can remember how happy they really did feel when they were clean and sober. i wish i could carry that feeling around and remember it during my roughest times. sharing really does help. this program really does work when you work it. i pray i'll start working it again.
loubear62
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