Fighting for my Life!

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Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby Jennie09 » Tue Feb 02, 2016 3:31 pm

Hi I'm new to this site and I've been having trouble getting around it. I'm recently sober (3 days) from Percocet and other pills. I was actually clean for over a year and most recently I have had some issues in my life and stupidly chose to use instead of getting back into therapy and dealing with my problems the right way. I've been feeling really bad about myself and a few days ago (before I decided to sober up) I was at the point where I thought my family would be better off if I wasn't here anymore. My husband (my rock) thankfully noticed that I wasn't right and he helped to get me out of it and back to recovery. I struggle bad with depression and anxiety. There's days I can't get out of bed to cook, clean or anything at all. I don't know how I've managed all these years with it and over the past two years it's had a horrible hold on me. When I get like that all I wanna do is take something to make it stop. I know that one little pill will clean my mind of negative thoughts and make me feel like I'm back on top. I'm happy to see I'm not alone in this struggle. I've been to therapy privately so I've never opened up to a group setting before about my addiction. I keep it all very private. But I was told that it helps to have other people encourage you and give you advice on how to stay clean and so here I am. I just want my kids to have the best possible life I could give them. Money isn't an issue for us and they are very well provided for. I just don't want them to see me struggling from this depression and anxiety and I feel like I've missed out on some things due to it. One day at Time!
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby RAM » Tue Feb 02, 2016 5:00 pm

Congratulations on your 3 days of sobriety! Great stride. Think about and write down the things that helped you achieve that - and for a year. Get to an NA meeting - let the people there embrace you.

Realize you are not broken just have a disease. We fix all sorts of disease why not this?

Find a sober friend - someone who understands, get a Sponsor at the meetings - they will help you remain sober 1 day at a time. My GF is going through the same thing with alcohol but it works - she is now sober for 52 days and I am sober for 25 years.

You're doing great but need to ask Gd and the Angels or whatever your concept of a Higher Power might be for help - we cannot do it alone.
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby RAM » Tue Feb 02, 2016 5:06 pm

BTW - change your profile pic. Looks too depressing and alone - you are a bright intelligent person - post a picture that reflects that. You are not alone - surrounded not only by a supportive husband and children but others you haven't even met yet that care about and love and support you.
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby Jennie09 » Tue Feb 02, 2016 5:44 pm

Ram thank you so much for your reply. Knowing people who don't know me understand what I'm going through and have been where I'm at is very encouraging. I've always struggled through my life with these issues and never thought opening up to a group of people would help me in anyway. I can see I was wrong. Reading your post made me smile and even cry. I want so badly to live life with the lights on not in the dark which is the way it's been for me for a very long time. I did took the steps yesterday to get back into counseling not only privately but I also will be joining a group of people struggling from addiction also. I have my intake this week. I'm very nervous about being face to face with a group of people and letting them actually see who I am. It scares me to think someone may recognize me and tell other people. I would never want my children to suffer for my actions if someone did see me going to a program for addicts. That's what has help me back for this long. But i also know that in order to be my best for them I have to be happy and healthy.
Ps. Thank you for noticing my pic. When I saw it all I could think was that's me!
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby RAM » Tue Feb 02, 2016 6:04 pm

It is absolutely MY pleasure Jennie09. Responding to you heals me too!! Just remember - I reiterate again - you are not broken!! Is someone with cancer or eart disease broken? Nope -just have a disease - they need medicine but they are not broken.

Every one told my GF she was broken - no hope but I got through that as has the rehab now she understands!!

We need medicine too - in the form of a 12 Step Program and gaining spiritual support!

So my experience 25 years ago - although I was so-called spiritual - I was afraid, shy, did not get what they were saying especially about the 12 Steps, etc etc etc. But the warmth was there. I felt love, I felt caring.

That got me through my first day. Then the next etc. I did not say anything i those meetings until the 6th - then I was so moved - just overwhelmed with love and caring not only from the members but from some sort of heavenly embrace - whatever you want to call it.

I cried (yes, men cry too if they are real men) then something prompted me to speak and tell my story - it was a horrible story but no different than everyone elses story - that is what makes us all unique.

On a snowy cloudy, dismal day in January 1991, I walked out of that meeting happy, full of joy as though the sun were burning bright and warm. And that night I slept in peace and joy - soundly for the first time in a couple of years. It has gotten better and better day after day every year for 25 years.

Does that mean I have not faced challenges - UH NO! Lots of them - but by working the programs, going to meetings, getting a Sponsor etc etc, I Have not picked up - one day at a time (You hear that phrase a lot - I got annoyed with it those first few meetings but have come to love the phrase LOL).

So now my GF needed help - she has the benefit of going to a rehab and getting even more support but now she gets it and is experiencing the same things I did -after only 52 days - I love her so much that would do anything for her (except drink). And now she is going to a Safe House for 90 days (jeez I mss her but it is good for her and her focus needs to be on HER recovery, not our love at the moment)

I hope thius helps a little. Write a pm if you want more information
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby Jennie09 » Tue Feb 02, 2016 8:33 pm

Sorry I didn't reply right away, had mom duties to perform, Lol. Wow, 25 years is a very long time. I can only hope to look back in 25 years and feel the same way you do about your life. Your GF will get there. 52 days is amazing and she is so very lucky to have someone on her side who has been there and can help her get through the bad days. Today has actually been a good day for me. I got out of bed. It was a little late in the afternoon but I did it. I got up went food shopping with my two girls and then came back and helped my daughter cook dinner. Now I'm relaxing and for once in a long time I feel okay. It's not perfect and I had my moments today with bad thoughts but I pushed through them and didn't pick up. That's what really matters at the end of each of my days. Before I go to bed I'm just thankful that I was strong enough today and hopeful that I will be strong enough again tomorrow. I would definitely like to hear your story if your willing to tell me. I'm not quite sure how to pm if you could start it out that would great. I'm still a little confused as to how this whole thing works. I will be praying for you and your gf. Your truly a good a person to say that as much as you miss and love her she needs to put her recovery first. That's true love and I'm sure she misses and loves you just as much. God Bless you both.
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby RAM » Tue Feb 02, 2016 8:55 pm

Keep expressing gratitude - even be grateful in advance of getting what you want such as a great day sober. Beleive me it works. So I am grateful for people like you - who demonstrate courage in what you are doing to stay sober. It helps me to help you and through that we each get stronger - but not without our Higher Poer.

Be sure to thank Him/Her - and to ask for His/Her help to be sober - for just one hour, one day, etc

As far as my GF, I count myself lucky to have her in my life. She went through a tough divorce and then after the divorce, her ex continued to try to destroy he - her soul, her reputation, her job, etc.

I try to give her real love - a love and respect she has never known. Not bragging - its what she told me repeatedly.

Frankly even I have fears and worries - I worry that my GF will somehow decide she does not love me - can't see it happening really - it is just irrational fear - certainly she could have written or told me already when in fact most of the time she ends a letter or call with "I Love you".

But its the logic in my head instilling the fear - my heart and my soul tell me she is still in love and that everything we want to do in the future is still there.

So Jennie09, I ask for your prayers and your support in this simple but important matter.
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby RAM » Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:36 pm

Jennie09 - just sent the PM to you.
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Re: Fighting for my Life!

Unread postby tpelegrinis » Thu Jun 02, 2016 2:48 pm

Hello Jennie my name is Tricia , and I have a very similar story to yours , I am 30 years old , and have been a on again off again drug addict ( pills ). I hate myself and feel worthless and I truly believe that my husband who is amazing and my twin boys who are more then amazing and the rest of my family ( mom,dad,sister,brother) would be so much happier with out me around. I feel like it would almost be a relief for them. When I do get sober and things are good and my kids and husband are great because they see me sober it is wonderful but its like a monster in my head that will always end up telling myself that I'm not good enough, waste of space and I will then go and use. I'm reaching out to you because it seems like u went though or are going through something similar. Is there light at the end of the tunnel because I think I hot rock-bottom. :(
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