read me full functioning

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read me full functioning

Unread postby jessica1 » Tue Mar 08, 2016 2:39 pm

I am a functioning addict. Wow it has taken me a long time to be able to write that down. i dont think im in denial i just am not ready to give it up. im trying to figure out what is going to make it click, i try to cut back maybe for a couple months but then bam back at it again but worse then the last time. Maybe now well just go out wens, thurs, friday, sat, and maybe even sunday for a drink. Lets make it feel just a little nicer. I know i have issues, alot of em actually. I know im powerless, I will sit there and convenience myself a million reasons why I wont, i do anyhow. Any event my life throws at me, I show up messed up or i dont show up at all. I keep putting thought into this.. for how many months now? 10-11? I remember sitting on my sisters friend porch talking to them before i relapsed saying i know if i do it one more time, theres no coming back. i learned the tools i needed to not do it in rehab at 15. But i never learned the skills to not want to, to not fall back on the only stability that ive ever had in my life. Inhale, exhale - instant gratification the magic happens and im home. I will admit to not having the skills to cope with what hurts. what i never got to deal with growing up. im not blaming my addiction on it but trying to do NA and the steps (well reading them) makes me put alot of thought into what i have done and what has happened. I am a high functioning addict, i work two full time jobs min 73 hours a week and the remainder of my time is spent in another world. It has come to a point a couple months ago where it just is what i do, i cant stop cause even if i cut back i stop eating or i have ungoldy rage maybe even get sick. When i picture myself in my head I see a horrific person, i see a weak person. I know ive never know moderation in anything, if i like it i like alot or i hate it. i have never know the grey. theres nothing more that scares me then thinking of the day where i can no longer wake up and grafify my day away. The feeling of fear. I am scared. I am scared to stop it, I am scared that im gonna throw everything away. but yet its not enough to get me clean. I can feel the curiosity, the urge for something more and its scary.

or at least I think I am. I just feel lost
jessica1
 

Re: read me full functioning

Unread postby sslate3 » Mon Mar 14, 2016 1:41 pm

Hi Jessica:

I have been sober for almost 5 years. I just want to say that you don't need to feel that way anymore. I didn't get sober until I was 36. The self hatred and hurt slowly gets replaced by joy and pride. I promise you.
sslate3
 

Re: read me full functioning

Unread postby jason6831 » Mon Mar 28, 2016 11:14 pm

Hey how are you holding up?.. I may be able to help. I learned how to give up my addiction on my own and havent used any drugs since 2009.. and I have many opportunities to do just that! Anyway if interested in talking give me a way to get in touch with you. Take care
jason6831
 


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