FALLING BACK INTO BAD HABITS
Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:10 pm
LATELY I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH AN OLD CROWD DUE TO THE LOSS OF THE LAST OF MY FAMILY. I KNEW IT WAS WRONG TO BE WITH THEM AS THEY ARE OLD FRIENDS FROM MY OLD LIFE BUT I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE. I HAVE HAD 3 YEARS CLEAN AND WAS PROUD OF THAT BUT IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG BEING WITH THEM TO END THAT STREAK. I FEEL LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL, TOO MANY FEELINGS ALL AT ONCE. ANGER, GUILTY, MAJOR DEPRESSION. ALL THAT HARD WORK DOWN THE DROWN. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK OUT THERE. I HAVE SO MUCH TO LOSE IF I REALLY STARTED AGAIN. THE THING IS I WAS NEVER A PERSON TO GO TO MEETINGS. I'M NOT KNOCKING THEM, IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I WAS THERE LISTENING TO PEOPLE BARE THEIR SOULS, IT MADE ME QUEASY AND ANXIOUS. THE MORE I WOULD LISTEN, THE MORE I WANTED TO GET HIGH. I TALKED TO A FRIEND TODAY WHO IS A COMMITTEEPERSON IN NJ, SHE HAS 4 YEARS IN AND SHE TOLD ME THAT IF I'M FEELING LONELY THEN I NEED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE THAT FEEL THE SAME WAY AND THAT I SHOULD GO TO A MEETING. THE THING IS OF ALL THE TIMES I WENT TO THE WORST PLACES WHEN I WAS OUT THERE, I NEVER HAD ANY FEAR OR NEVER FELT SHAME TO GO GET THE DRUGS SO WHY DO I FEEL SO MUCH FEAR AT WALKING INTO A PLACE THAT COULD SAVE ME. I'VE MADE MY WAY TO A COUPLE OF MEETINGS BUT NEVER HAD THE GUTS TO GO IN. I AM ASHAMED OF WHAT THEY WILL THINK OF ME, JUST ANOTHER LOSER WALKING IN THE DOOR. I SO DESPERATELY NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO OR GO TO A MEETING WITH ME. I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO WALK IN ALONE. I KNOW THAT SOME PLACES ARE CLICKY AND I AM PRETTY MUCH A LONER SO I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A PLACE WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE ACCEPTING AND LAID BACK AND WOULD MAYBE OFFER A KIND WORD TO A NEW COMER. I AM TYING TO SAVE MY LIFE. CAN ANYONE OFFER SOME INSIGHT OR ADVICE. PLEASE HELP ME.