TO MEETING OR NOT TO MEETING THAT IS THE QUESTION
Posted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 7:03 pm
and if it takes shit to make bliss, well then i feel pretty blissfully....
Hi people.
My story:
child abuse physical mental/age 17 dropped out of HS ran away as far as I could get to Humboldt county, California cus i heard they had the best drugs. They were right/ran around homeless doing whatever drugs anyone would give me, never heroin or anything involving needles just a whole lot of weed coke crystal shrooms whatever/age 20 got knocked up, had a little girl cus I thought God would never forgive me if I aborted her/her father put me in a coma two years later, got out of the coma grabbed my kid and ran back to PA/recovered dfrom the brain damage and shit her father did/went to college/struggled my ass off with a brain that didn't work half the time and hustled the whole time cus Bush wouldn't give me enough financial aid to pay for the day care and school/ended up getting my stomch pumped at some point from tranquilizers and alcohol/ started going to my first NA meetings/got my life back on track/ got a state job/I'm a caseworker for Welfare in North Philly. The governor decided not to sign the budget so I am being forced to go to work without a pay check as a mandated civil servant. I had 700 dollars in my bank account when i heard the news. My rent is 900. its been weeks he still hasn't signed the budget.
Last weekend I binged and drank and smoked as much as possible. My daughter is not here. She is up my moms.
Monday I got a bottle of Zanex from my doctors.
I was in control of my life. I paid my bills.
I was ok.
The only drug I did was marijuana when I couldn't sleep.
But now Im out here getting zannies and 40s. all because of Rendel not paying us, my boyfriend treating me like shit and the fact that I don't have to be responsible for a child right now since my parents have her.
I can see myself falling down that old rabbit hole.
Right now all I can think of is going out and getting as fucked as possible which will be real easy to do with a tight shirt and a bottle of zannies.
I feel like the weakest person in existence.
I do all the right shit get aay from that life.
It doesn't matter the minute things fall out
I want to drowned.
I dont want to feel.
My boyfriend is not the best for support.
He is a drunk. He never knows what day it is. He's homeless. stays wherever. I think I'm with him cus I feel like my old self around him.
My college degree and my civil service status and my little work dresses. It always seems as though none of that is me. and the real me was homeless in California hustling and getting as fucked up as I could.
Freedom from being a responsible bill paying person.
Freedom from living in a box.
Freedom to sleep in the woods freedom to sleep under bridges.
Excitement everyday running from cops and the like.
Now I live in a clean little box and work in a clean little cubicle secretly living my old life thru my boyfriend's eyes.
I know I need to get back into a meeting.
It's been so long.
I need a great deal of courage to go in hat meeting because that meeting is contrast to he fake life I live.
Please give me alot of insight.
Don't tell me to drop my boyfriend because he is another one of my addictions.
He has seven children in this city from 3 different woman none of which he supports. He's lied to me ten thousand times. He's stolen from me. He's just as unhealthy for me as any of my addictions combined.
I need deeper insight then that.
Hi people.
My story:
child abuse physical mental/age 17 dropped out of HS ran away as far as I could get to Humboldt county, California cus i heard they had the best drugs. They were right/ran around homeless doing whatever drugs anyone would give me, never heroin or anything involving needles just a whole lot of weed coke crystal shrooms whatever/age 20 got knocked up, had a little girl cus I thought God would never forgive me if I aborted her/her father put me in a coma two years later, got out of the coma grabbed my kid and ran back to PA/recovered dfrom the brain damage and shit her father did/went to college/struggled my ass off with a brain that didn't work half the time and hustled the whole time cus Bush wouldn't give me enough financial aid to pay for the day care and school/ended up getting my stomch pumped at some point from tranquilizers and alcohol/ started going to my first NA meetings/got my life back on track/ got a state job/I'm a caseworker for Welfare in North Philly. The governor decided not to sign the budget so I am being forced to go to work without a pay check as a mandated civil servant. I had 700 dollars in my bank account when i heard the news. My rent is 900. its been weeks he still hasn't signed the budget.
Last weekend I binged and drank and smoked as much as possible. My daughter is not here. She is up my moms.
Monday I got a bottle of Zanex from my doctors.
I was in control of my life. I paid my bills.
I was ok.
The only drug I did was marijuana when I couldn't sleep.
But now Im out here getting zannies and 40s. all because of Rendel not paying us, my boyfriend treating me like shit and the fact that I don't have to be responsible for a child right now since my parents have her.
I can see myself falling down that old rabbit hole.
Right now all I can think of is going out and getting as fucked as possible which will be real easy to do with a tight shirt and a bottle of zannies.
I feel like the weakest person in existence.
I do all the right shit get aay from that life.
It doesn't matter the minute things fall out
I want to drowned.
I dont want to feel.
My boyfriend is not the best for support.
He is a drunk. He never knows what day it is. He's homeless. stays wherever. I think I'm with him cus I feel like my old self around him.
My college degree and my civil service status and my little work dresses. It always seems as though none of that is me. and the real me was homeless in California hustling and getting as fucked up as I could.
Freedom from being a responsible bill paying person.
Freedom from living in a box.
Freedom to sleep in the woods freedom to sleep under bridges.
Excitement everyday running from cops and the like.
Now I live in a clean little box and work in a clean little cubicle secretly living my old life thru my boyfriend's eyes.
I know I need to get back into a meeting.
It's been so long.
I need a great deal of courage to go in hat meeting because that meeting is contrast to he fake life I live.
Please give me alot of insight.
Don't tell me to drop my boyfriend because he is another one of my addictions.
He has seven children in this city from 3 different woman none of which he supports. He's lied to me ten thousand times. He's stolen from me. He's just as unhealthy for me as any of my addictions combined.
I need deeper insight then that.