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Unread postPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 7:03 pm
by NomitheCAT
and if it takes shit to make bliss, well then i feel pretty blissfully....

Hi people.

My story:
child abuse physical mental/age 17 dropped out of HS ran away as far as I could get to Humboldt county, California cus i heard they had the best drugs. They were right/ran around homeless doing whatever drugs anyone would give me, never heroin or anything involving needles just a whole lot of weed coke crystal shrooms whatever/age 20 got knocked up, had a little girl cus I thought God would never forgive me if I aborted her/her father put me in a coma two years later, got out of the coma grabbed my kid and ran back to PA/recovered dfrom the brain damage and shit her father did/went to college/struggled my ass off with a brain that didn't work half the time and hustled the whole time cus Bush wouldn't give me enough financial aid to pay for the day care and school/ended up getting my stomch pumped at some point from tranquilizers and alcohol/ started going to my first NA meetings/got my life back on track/ got a state job/I'm a caseworker for Welfare in North Philly. The governor decided not to sign the budget so I am being forced to go to work without a pay check as a mandated civil servant. I had 700 dollars in my bank account when i heard the news. My rent is 900. its been weeks he still hasn't signed the budget.
Last weekend I binged and drank and smoked as much as possible. My daughter is not here. She is up my moms.
Monday I got a bottle of Zanex from my doctors.
I was in control of my life. I paid my bills.
I was ok.
The only drug I did was marijuana when I couldn't sleep.
But now Im out here getting zannies and 40s. all because of Rendel not paying us, my boyfriend treating me like shit and the fact that I don't have to be responsible for a child right now since my parents have her.
I can see myself falling down that old rabbit hole.
Right now all I can think of is going out and getting as fucked as possible which will be real easy to do with a tight shirt and a bottle of zannies.
I feel like the weakest person in existence.
I do all the right shit get aay from that life.
It doesn't matter the minute things fall out
I want to drowned.
I dont want to feel.
My boyfriend is not the best for support.
He is a drunk. He never knows what day it is. He's homeless. stays wherever. I think I'm with him cus I feel like my old self around him.
My college degree and my civil service status and my little work dresses. It always seems as though none of that is me. and the real me was homeless in California hustling and getting as fucked up as I could.
Freedom from being a responsible bill paying person.
Freedom from living in a box.
Freedom to sleep in the woods freedom to sleep under bridges.
Excitement everyday running from cops and the like.
Now I live in a clean little box and work in a clean little cubicle secretly living my old life thru my boyfriend's eyes.

I know I need to get back into a meeting.
It's been so long.
I need a great deal of courage to go in hat meeting because that meeting is contrast to he fake life I live.
Please give me alot of insight.
Don't tell me to drop my boyfriend because he is another one of my addictions.
He has seven children in this city from 3 different woman none of which he supports. He's lied to me ten thousand times. He's stolen from me. He's just as unhealthy for me as any of my addictions combined.
I need deeper insight then that.


Unread postPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 7:41 pm
by you know already
NomitheCAT wrote:Don't tell me to drop my boyfriend because he is another one of my addictions.

You answered your question...

Get your life straight first...


Unread postPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 8:51 am
by jennytat2
Yes you need to drop the boyfriend and get yourself in rehab the bills and stuff will still be there but you will be able to handle it after rehab. yes you need to go to meeting if you REALLY want to be sobor. take the first step and get help from the meeting. if na meeting are not working than go to aa. i was addict to herion and i went to rehab and a half way house for a year and i went to aa meeting there is always someone in aa that has done drugs.


Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 4:24 pm
by heynow
When the pain of staying the same becomes great enough you will be forced to change. For me getting high in dirty abandominiums, letting men use my body, being dehydrated, going to mental hospitals, not living with my daughter, not caring about anything was too much for me. This is a better way of life and as long as you keep that man you will continue to use. You must come first


Unread postPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:59 am
by DaveyBlue
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.

I got tired of the feeling of being nothing and having nothing.

Try to remember that your feelings are not real, reality is real, and your brief escapes into the bliss are not going to change shit.

Id and your ego are messing you up, your addiction is trying to control you, you don't know what to do or what you want.

Stop putting shit into your body and let your balance come, get high on you, feed yourself and exercise 5 hours a day if you can, and you will break the cycle.

Your life is not your life. Your life is your daughters life. God would not have keep you hear if he didn't want the best for you.
You have a hard job because you know that you can make a difference. Pray to God to make your daily life easy for a while.

Close your eyes and envision a life that ill make you happy in 20 years then open you eyes and make it happen.

Go to a meeting every day or twice aday for the next 90 days......let yourself heal-up alittle.

WE ALL LOVE YOU.....REALLY LOVE YOU......AND WANT THE BEST FOR YOU......Hope to see ya at a meetin' :)