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Unread postby ari » Thu Oct 01, 2009 2:42 pm

So i'm 22 years old and i've been struggling with alcohol and drug use since high school but especially over the last 3 years. I always felt like my parents tried to control my life and make my choices for me and that what I wanted for me wasnt good enough. I went away to school and for the first time didnt have to check in with my parents or come home earlier than all of my friends or have to worry about hiding how drunk i was sneaking into my house. I started drinking everyday and using coke in excess while I was there and after only a semester got sent home on medical leave for drinking. When I got home I went to rehab then outpatient for about 6 months and was clean for a while I didnt drink and i wasnt smoking or using anything else for a while and I was going back to school in the fall. When the fall finally came around i was too scared to go back and decided to go to community college for a little while. Thats when my problems started back up I started smoking weed everyday and using pills occasionally I wasnt going to classes even though i'd spent my whole summer in school trying to get back on track. Thats when I started going to raves I started going just about every weekend for a few months taking bombs and acid and lots of nitrous. I started to isolate myself from my family and some of my old friends. Shortly after that I started selling coke and fell right back into that doing about an eightball a day easily to myself and lost about 15 pounds which after more than a year i still cant gain back. After the coke came the pills again and i started doing percocets everyday a few at first and then over time it got to the point where i was spending all my money on them, I was going to work just so that I could get high afterwards. About 3 months ago my parents kicked me out of there house, something i absolutely never thought would happen. My parents wouldnt pay for me to go back to school and i felt utterly trapped and alone except for my boyfriend and like this is what my life was going to be forever, like there was no way out. Then i lost my job and felt even more stuck because now i wasnt going to have a way to pay them rent anymore and instead of stopping then i just did more pills knowing i couldnt afford it. Finally i decided i didnt want my life to revolve around getting pills anymore and that i didnt want to keep living on a couch at my friends parents house with my crazy best friend and her parents that do nothing but fight and bitch over the most idiotic pointless things so i started taking suboxone to ween myself off the percocets without withdrawing. Yesterday my parents picked me up and i moved back home, theyre doing random drug testing on me and want me to go to counseling and meetings and iop again. I'm glad that i have parents like that but at the same time im worried that they'll try to control my life too much again and even my recovery because theyve already tried to (thats why they kicked me out) they want me to get clean their way and find recovery their way. Theyve even tried to tell me who i can and cannot spend my time with and went so far as to tell me i couldnt see my boyfriend even though he is the person that got me off coke in the first place and who helped me find suboxone so i could ween myself off the percs and even though he hates when i drink and always tries to make me calm down when i'm using, yet they blame him for my drug use because i met him when i started screwing up again and because we used to go to raves together. They dont want him in my life and now i feel like i'm giving up this huge part of my youth because if it wasnt for my ex best friend ratting me out to my parents my parents wouldnt even know that i was using. While that doesnt make it ok i often feel like if my parents would just back off i wouldnt have gotten as bad as i did, but once they knew what was going on for whatever reason thats when i decided to start really abusing things, maybe its because i always felt like i wasnt good enough in their eyes because i wasnt like my overacheiving sister and thats how i got back at them for it. I know i've used and abused drugs and alcohol but ive always been able to stop i quit the coke and drinking cold turkey before i went to rehab the first time and again when i was selling. i know i need help but at the same time i just want to be able to be like my friends and go out and have a good time with or without alcohol and drugs if i want. i feel stuck and trapped and like i'm never going to amount to anything. anybody have any advice?

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