by Martina123 » Thu Oct 14, 2010 2:00 pm
Dear Mom (in my shoes),
I have been right where you are… I am sure you are feeling hopeless, alone and scared out of your mind.
My son, now 19 has been using marijuana since he was 16. I didn’t know, or at least my blind eye didn’t know. I didn’t want to believe that my first born would ever do such a thing. I brought him up in a drug free home, no alcohol… I never found any use in it… couldn’t even begin to understand his addiction. Found many of those little bags in the washer, dryer, floor in his room, bathroom, etc.
There are only two things that I can tell you… with hopes that it will help. It may not be what you want to hear and please understand it comes from a mom that loves her son very much…
First and foremost, if you feel your son has an addiction problem, he MUST be willing to admit it him himself… no matter what YOU do HE will not get well on your coaxing, begging, threatening or guilt playing. Believe me I have tried all these tactics… I have had my son in therapy, rehab and recovery houses… nothing worked… UNTIL HE is willing to make a decision and follow it up with a course of action, your efforts will not HELP him, but only enable him. Enable him to manipulate you by staying clean when you “mean” business but only to go out and start all over again as soon as the “time” is right.
If your son is an addict, for your sake, your sanity and for your own understanding, you need to learn about his “disease”. Please understand that this is not a “condition” that can just go away… a true addict/alcoholic cannot control his addiction, no matter how hard he tries. If he gets “sober” but does not work the program of AA/NA he is destined to use again because although he is “sober” he still is left with the issue of himself… which causes a “sober” alcoholic/addict to become restless, irritable and discontent.
I can suggest to you is to find a “Big Book” study in your area or an Al-Anon meeting that is 12 Step orientated. It is very IMPORTANT that you get a handle on you, your emotions and understand that you cannot control your son or any addict for that matter.
I have detached from my son in a way that I am still part of his life, love him more than my own and will always be there for him. He understands that I do not agree with his decision to continue drinking and drug use and that I know I can’t control it. However, I can control him not doing it around me, using my money and shelter to do it and drive my car to get it. I have set boundaries and he has chosen not to live with me. I am okay today because I worked the 12 step program, have a clearer understanding of myself and my son’s addiction and know that all I can do is love him. It is out of my control… and I am sorry to say it is out of yours… however, you can get a handle on your life and how it has impacted you.
You are in my prayers...