New and Nervous

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New and Nervous

Unread postby AshleyA » Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:01 pm

My boyfriend of a little more than a year has been in a treatment center for 25 days and will be out soon. I wanted to know if there is certain things that I should do for him. Is it a good thing for myself to go with him to meetings? I go to a family meeting and I want to go to a NA to support him. I really have high but not to high hopes. From the sounds of it this really hit home for him and he can clearly see he can not use anymore. I just want to talk to people that are going threw the same thing as I am. I know I'm not alone but I feel so at times....

-New and Nervous.
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Re: New and Nervous

Unread postby Brian OIC » Sat Apr 30, 2011 8:02 am

Hi Ashley

I think it is great that you are so supportive and caring for your boyfriend that you are willing to do anything you can to help him. Following are some general guidelines, not all may apply but I find that most apply to most :D

Don't become isolated. Reach up, reach out, ask for help, pray God brings you the people you need to help you in this journey and holds you close to himself.

As far as meetings I personally think that if he is comfortable with you being there going occasionally may not be a bad idea... but be very careful about the motivation behind it (is it all about him getting the help and you learning all you can? Or is there a part of you that says "If we go together my going will help ensure he gets there".) Also, would he be likely to share less with you there? I'd talk to him about it. For you, he may wind up sharing things that will hurt, embarass or offend you. Early on it may not be the best idea. He has to want to go. He has to be serious about his recovery.

The best general advice I can give you is to ensure that you are strong and working on yourself first. Sounds selfish, but you can't help him unless you are in a good place. If you are an unreformed enabler, when the going gets tough you'll enable him or you'll cave. But love has to be tough. We typically do not change unless the pain or perceived "loss" of change is less painful than continuing on in our addiction. If you aren't strong with your boundries then there is a higher risk for enabling. Also, sometimes people go into rehab / recovery for the wrong reason's (to get people off their back, to deceive others so they can manipulate them and continue using, etc.).

I would encourage you to build trust with him very, very slowly. More than likely he hasn't truly come clean with you (shame may be a factor, though it doesn't excuse deceit one can understand another's hesitance). Some of the most destructive sins of the addict are selfishness and deceit (lying, self lying, manipulation, ommitting key details). That doesn't mean you distrust him, but I wouldn't suggest putting faith in what he says early on. Our love should be unconditional but trust is another story!

Some reallly good books you might want to check out are Ed Welch's book "Addictions: A Banquet in the grave", which is most eye opening. Also, Mark Shaw's "Heart of Addiction" is a great resource and even better with its workbook.

Remember: No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you are not perfect... and even if you couldn't and CAN'T fix him. This isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility. He has a God given free will. There may be stumbles, he may relapse, he may go back into his addiction again for a long time or hopefully he will do the work and stay the course.... each person's experience is different but ultimately each has to take responsibility for themselves. If his recovery is your burden (not that you aren't concerned but that you are carrying the load) that is a major sign that you have work to do.

Personally, as a Christian, I have learned that addiction is a matter of the heart that occurs when the vertical relationship with God is replaced by a horizontal relationship with a substance, person or activity. I went through a program called "Overcomers In Christ" which is much like NA in terms of goals / steps, but is much more specific on the spiritual side. American Keswick uses it, and their success rate is extremely high.

You can check out Ed Welch's book "Addictions: A Banquet in the grave". It is most eye opening. Also, Mark Shaw's "Heart of Addiction" is a great resource and even better with its workbook. Both are based upon biblical counseling principles... principles that I guarentee you work.

I found that my only hope for anything (sobriety, joy, salvation, peace, strength, and much more) is found in a personal, genuine and loving relationship with Christ which is available to all. In Matthew 11:28 Jesus said "Come unto me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest...". Addiction in my life has been a destructive force and a terrible burden. Being where I am now though, it has been a great blessing, too. Would I want to repeat the past? NO a thousand times. But what is done is done and God has worked it for the good (Romans 8:28) as he promised. He will do the same for anyone who genuinely comes to him.

I hope this helps you. Please feel free to message me if I can be of service to you (or anyone reading). God bless you, and I'll be praying for you both.


FYI OIC's meetings are for both family and recovering/transforming addicts. You can google them.
Brian OIC
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Re: New and Nervous

Unread postby crystal86! » Fri Mar 30, 2012 4:03 am

Hello I'm new too, my fiance just went into rehab over a week ago. I have done some research and found a group I can go but what else can I do when he comes home? Already I can tell there is a change in him and he tells me he is learning a lot about himself. I know to take it one day at the time but right now i feel so over whelm because I am working 3rd shift, going to school full time and taking care of the children. Don't get me wrong, I do get some help but it feels like it not enough because, I have been only able to get 3-4 hours of sleep. Plus I miss him like crazy and feeling guilty about it. I feel that I am being selfish for missing him when he is getting the help he needs.
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Re: New and Nervous

Unread postby PRV1960 » Thu Jul 12, 2012 10:59 am

I have been going through this with my man for 15 years, he has been a crack/alcohol addict for over 20 years....He stays clean,sees things clear, then in a flash, he hates me, I am horrible, and he runs again...RUN...that's all I can say, too late for me, Do it for yourself right away and move on!

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