Stuck in a Loophole

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Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby CourageAlone » Thu Sep 01, 2011 9:04 am

Hello everyone,

I am at a loss. I've been involved with a man for almost 5 years, but the whole time struggling. We have a 4 yr old child together. We've been working to do what we can for our son, but all the while in and out of the relationship. And when we're out, it's because I realize I'm being manipulated and abused, but by his denial. I grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic mom and grandmother. It took many years to overcome the abuse and heal my relationship with them. I used to fear them; now we have a really great relationship. However, I am still in an abusive pattern with my son's father. I don't know if I need ACOA, CODA or Al-Anon. A friend of mine from VA suggested Al-anon. My son's father used to be heavily addicted to drugs; mostly marijuana and mushrooms. In his early years he was on LSD so hard that he jumped or fell off a 10 foot drop flat onto his face and had lost his front teeth, broke his nose and has a hairline fracture all through his scalp. He fell a second time and damaged his spine. He complains about the weather and his pain often and refuses to be intimate. He also refuses to be intimate even when he's feeling fine.

I've done a lot of work on myself over the years to accept him, but I still feel as though he is trying to control me to have a full life, a committed relationship and a powerful intimate connection. He resists it. When I break away from him he manipulates me back in promising that he'll heal what's causing his resistance. In the beginning there's a beautiful connection, but it only lasts a month or so. Then he has a million excuses for not wanting to be close, or committed. He lives with his mom and I live on my own. I want to have a powerful committed and loving relationship, but I end up coming back to his anger and control. I believe he has controlled anger and it only comes out when I push him to talk or to do something he doesn't want to do; ie. he helped me change my car battery a couple weeks ago, and he couldn't handle how my car was difficult to remove the screws. Our son was with us in the drivers seat. He had gotten away from me for a moment and honked the horn. For that brief second his anger peaked and he opened the car door to yell at him to get out and broke my car door handle.

The loophole all started again when we went to the shore with my family; my mom, brothers and son. The first 2 days he spent complaining about everything that was wrong with the world, the people, the climate and then my family members. I had consoled him and calmed him down the first 2 days, but by day three I stood up for my family, suggesting him to let it go that they are where they are in their process and life and do not need to heal something they are unaware of or aren't ready for. He was in a place of judgement and by day 4 I asked him to please leave. He also snored every night and so my family took turns to sleep in different rooms letting him have the bed, and once the couch. He refused to negotiate for everyone else, so we negotiated for him. The sleeping has been an issue for yrs but I had gotten used to it, knowing that when the snoring starts I just move to another room. He was mad and wanted me to just stay in the bed with him not getting any sleep and just dealing with it. I couldn't believe this showed up again. It was something we had worked out yrs ago, but it showed up again.

Several yrs ago during our separation I was so scared of him I had called Domestic Abuse. I had wanted to move to a Shelter to get away from him, but then let it go. I feel as though he doesn't see where I'm coming from and blames me instead. My regular therapist who I've been working with for 11 yrs believes he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and will never understand or admit he's doing anything wrong. Our Couples Therapist is now starting to take my regular therapists point of view. She offered to work with me solo and to let him know that our Couples Therapy relationship will be terminated. However, speaking to him yesterday he felt she was influenced by my speaking to her on my own and that was why she chose to do an exercise to help his get in touch with his rage at his mom; all the while he resisted the whole time. She offered to help me leave him. However, if he resisted the exercise because he felt initially she was taking sides, it might make sense he didn't open up. I had suggested he call her and talk to her and see if her decision is the same.

When we are in a together space everything is fine, but there is no intimacy and he just pulls away making excuses. We get along great as long as I don't ask him for anything. I feel as though I am sacrificing my identity and really need a support group, women's support group, financial support and perhaps move.

I want the have peace for my son and NOT teach him how to abuse a woman, and for him to see me empowered. I'm starting to realize I need to leave him, but even the effort in that seems almost hopeless. I need support to get the finances I need to get day care or babysitting, etc for my son from the state and really need to get away so we're not in his life as often if we are being manipulated by a NPD; which I believe we are. I think I'm angry and scared and feel trapped.
CourageAlone
 

Re: Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby abclimo » Fri Sep 02, 2011 10:12 am

CourageAlone: If you are in Pennsylvania, you can go online and apply for benefits for daycare, and help with living costs like rent, food, etc. through Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare. Also, contact a domestic abuse hotline so you can get additional help through them. You definitely need to do this for your son, so he can see this is not how things are supposed to be and you can break the chain of abusive relationships. You and your son are worth doing this for and you have identified there is a problem. Maybe he is still using and you are just not aware of it??? If not, it definitely sounds like he has so much anger that he cannot be in a healthy relationship with anyone until he can get help, admit that he has a problem and start to heal himself. You can look for local meetings for Naranon or even NA if they say they are open meetings. Closed meetings are for addicts only. Even if you don't want to speak when you first go to meetings, just listen, you will hear that a lot of people who used drugs to cover feelings, they are self medicating. When you take away the drugs, their personality is totally different, until they learn to live without the drugs and let go of the anger and deal with all the feelings they were repressing through the use of drugs. Even when still going through detox, and many people do for quite some time after they stop using, you can have nasty mood swings. The length that you can experience detox, depends on what you used and how long. I had a prescription pain addiction and I used for about a year and a half, rather heavily at some points and I was told I could detox for up to 4 years (wish I knew that back then). You need to do this for you and for your son, you can do it. Hugs.
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Re: Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby CourageAlone » Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:11 pm

Thank you abclimo! Yes, I am in PA. I will do as you suggest; although I have tried applying for help with welfare and they needed numerous proof of my income; of which I have no proof and little income at that. Someone had suggested contacting Domestic Abuse and that could be a potential for getting them done; with their help. They had wanted me to track his behavior and the words he used. He was more abusive then, however, perhaps there is still enough to share that will explain; the present is more about patterns and keeping me from living a full life; one that I fully deserve, and in reality have a business where I help others (but it suffers when I suffer).

I don't think he is still using; except rarely marijuana, but not around our son. I can vividly notice when he has done it, and does have a friend who is very addicted he hangs out with sometimes, but it is not detrimental. However, it does bring up a red flag because he has been unemployed all summer, has a son, and has not even made hardly any effort in finding a new job, or potential clients. He's relied on his mom and me to give him cash, and I should NOT be giving him cash when he is perfectly capable of working. He's gotten back into the habit of mama's boy; although, that is always in present. I did feel I wanted to give him cash, however, since he is not working and I need to make sure my son gets to do some fun things when he is with him, so I have contributed slightly for that purpose; especially so he could take him to the pool and go as a guest. My son deserves to enjoy the summer full hearted-ly!

I wrote to our Couples Therapist and it is becoming more and more evident that the issue is he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and perhaps, I have Codependent issues and have been unable to leave. This is where I need help. I love him, and I believe he me, but he is unwilling to do the work on his own anger, nor admit he has a problem; but instead blames me that I am the reason he won't commit or be intimate with me.

I will look into Naranon. I'm not sure what NA is, but I'll look it up.

Our Couples Therapist did say he will never be able to have a committed relationship or be intimate with anyone until he is willing to work out his control issues, but it is apparent he never will.

He does have an extremely strange addiction to Conspiracy Theories and believes that there is something majorly wrong with everyone else in the world, as well as all of the systems we live in (Education, Medical, School, and even Health Care, and Psychologists). He fights it all. My regular therapist says he does this in order to avoid his own issues. I believe he is right.

He does do this powerful meditation that helps him move his emotions in the moment, so he appears friendly, optimistic and outgoing, but in reality, he is very pessimistic, dark and private. In order to truly move, in my opinion, your core issues and patterns one must face the darkness within via a true psycho-therapeutic or psychoanalytic or deep emotional healing process. And, this he refuses to do.

Oh, and he did just finish a long almost 2 yr process from the state where he was caught high while driving and had a DUI on his record and had to stay in the state and call in monthly to make sure he was employed and up to date on his payments with the DUI. I forget the terms, but it was recently dropped and cleared, hence, his rebellion to NOT work.

I think I need a support team to make sure I am doing all the steps I need to be doing and to get them done. Otherwise, I'll fall back in my old habits and let this all go.

By the way, thank you! Perhaps I'll register as a member with the same name; CourageAlone.
CourageAlone
 

Re: Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby CourageAlone » Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:21 pm

Well, it looks like all the meetings around me for Nar-anon are Closed Meetings. I'll have to go to CODA, ACOA or other.
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Re: Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby Craig in WI » Fri Sep 02, 2011 3:36 pm

Alanon helped me (also a long time AA member). If the abuse is physical, I highly recommend a shelter or close friend. While I was in councelling my therapist thought my spouse was a potential borderline personality. Alcohol and drugs magnify the problems already there, and over time they got worse due to continued alcohol and Rx abuse. Some of the people in Alanon have encountered what you have, and will be a good ear (along with your therapist). I learned to break away from her negativity and not be manipulated by fear.
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Re: Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby robertoZ » Fri Sep 02, 2011 5:42 pm

You want to help him? Best thing you can do is leave him NOW and never be involved with him again other than as a co-parent (if that's even possible). But you have bigger fish to fry. You have an ethical obligation to protect someone who cannot protect himself. You want to spare your son a life misery and his own addictions? Keep him away from all active addicts always.
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Re: Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby abclimo » Sat Sep 03, 2011 8:22 am

Courage: NA stands for Narcotics Anonymous and there are tons of meetings. If you go to their website, not sure if you are in the Philadelphia area of not, but you can find them at www.naworks.org and then click on site map and then you can find meetings broken down day by day and then time of day, and it tells you what county they are in and where they are at. I have been at NA meetings where there are friends and family members of addicts, and the addict isn't there, just be sure to choose an open meeting. I know it will be dificult for you, but maybe the best thing you could do is tell your sons father that he can't have contact until he gets his act together. If he is serious about life, he'll figure out a way to get it together. If not, its better you know now and move on before your life passes you by and you have nothing but regrets. You can definitely do this. Hugs
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Re: Stuck in a Loophole

Unread postby escape from berlin » Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:34 pm

please let me save you years of pain, even if he was as clean & sober.. he still cant be the man that you need.. He cant give you what he doesnt have.. addicts who start at what ever age, stop growing and maturing, and intimacy is to much feeling for him..he always gets high instead of feeling any thing.. please move on and live your own life w/ your child..you cant help him..but he sure can & will hurt you..not because he wants to, but because he is an addict. If he is going to change, let him do it away from you and son..anger hurts just as much. dont let it move on to the neck generation, happens before you no it, cant undo it then.. prayers 4 u
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