Stuck in a Loophole
Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 9:04 am
Hello everyone,
I am at a loss. I've been involved with a man for almost 5 years, but the whole time struggling. We have a 4 yr old child together. We've been working to do what we can for our son, but all the while in and out of the relationship. And when we're out, it's because I realize I'm being manipulated and abused, but by his denial. I grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic mom and grandmother. It took many years to overcome the abuse and heal my relationship with them. I used to fear them; now we have a really great relationship. However, I am still in an abusive pattern with my son's father. I don't know if I need ACOA, CODA or Al-Anon. A friend of mine from VA suggested Al-anon. My son's father used to be heavily addicted to drugs; mostly marijuana and mushrooms. In his early years he was on LSD so hard that he jumped or fell off a 10 foot drop flat onto his face and had lost his front teeth, broke his nose and has a hairline fracture all through his scalp. He fell a second time and damaged his spine. He complains about the weather and his pain often and refuses to be intimate. He also refuses to be intimate even when he's feeling fine.
I've done a lot of work on myself over the years to accept him, but I still feel as though he is trying to control me to have a full life, a committed relationship and a powerful intimate connection. He resists it. When I break away from him he manipulates me back in promising that he'll heal what's causing his resistance. In the beginning there's a beautiful connection, but it only lasts a month or so. Then he has a million excuses for not wanting to be close, or committed. He lives with his mom and I live on my own. I want to have a powerful committed and loving relationship, but I end up coming back to his anger and control. I believe he has controlled anger and it only comes out when I push him to talk or to do something he doesn't want to do; ie. he helped me change my car battery a couple weeks ago, and he couldn't handle how my car was difficult to remove the screws. Our son was with us in the drivers seat. He had gotten away from me for a moment and honked the horn. For that brief second his anger peaked and he opened the car door to yell at him to get out and broke my car door handle.
The loophole all started again when we went to the shore with my family; my mom, brothers and son. The first 2 days he spent complaining about everything that was wrong with the world, the people, the climate and then my family members. I had consoled him and calmed him down the first 2 days, but by day three I stood up for my family, suggesting him to let it go that they are where they are in their process and life and do not need to heal something they are unaware of or aren't ready for. He was in a place of judgement and by day 4 I asked him to please leave. He also snored every night and so my family took turns to sleep in different rooms letting him have the bed, and once the couch. He refused to negotiate for everyone else, so we negotiated for him. The sleeping has been an issue for yrs but I had gotten used to it, knowing that when the snoring starts I just move to another room. He was mad and wanted me to just stay in the bed with him not getting any sleep and just dealing with it. I couldn't believe this showed up again. It was something we had worked out yrs ago, but it showed up again.
Several yrs ago during our separation I was so scared of him I had called Domestic Abuse. I had wanted to move to a Shelter to get away from him, but then let it go. I feel as though he doesn't see where I'm coming from and blames me instead. My regular therapist who I've been working with for 11 yrs believes he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and will never understand or admit he's doing anything wrong. Our Couples Therapist is now starting to take my regular therapists point of view. She offered to work with me solo and to let him know that our Couples Therapy relationship will be terminated. However, speaking to him yesterday he felt she was influenced by my speaking to her on my own and that was why she chose to do an exercise to help his get in touch with his rage at his mom; all the while he resisted the whole time. She offered to help me leave him. However, if he resisted the exercise because he felt initially she was taking sides, it might make sense he didn't open up. I had suggested he call her and talk to her and see if her decision is the same.
When we are in a together space everything is fine, but there is no intimacy and he just pulls away making excuses. We get along great as long as I don't ask him for anything. I feel as though I am sacrificing my identity and really need a support group, women's support group, financial support and perhaps move.
I want the have peace for my son and NOT teach him how to abuse a woman, and for him to see me empowered. I'm starting to realize I need to leave him, but even the effort in that seems almost hopeless. I need support to get the finances I need to get day care or babysitting, etc for my son from the state and really need to get away so we're not in his life as often if we are being manipulated by a NPD; which I believe we are. I think I'm angry and scared and feel trapped.
I am at a loss. I've been involved with a man for almost 5 years, but the whole time struggling. We have a 4 yr old child together. We've been working to do what we can for our son, but all the while in and out of the relationship. And when we're out, it's because I realize I'm being manipulated and abused, but by his denial. I grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic mom and grandmother. It took many years to overcome the abuse and heal my relationship with them. I used to fear them; now we have a really great relationship. However, I am still in an abusive pattern with my son's father. I don't know if I need ACOA, CODA or Al-Anon. A friend of mine from VA suggested Al-anon. My son's father used to be heavily addicted to drugs; mostly marijuana and mushrooms. In his early years he was on LSD so hard that he jumped or fell off a 10 foot drop flat onto his face and had lost his front teeth, broke his nose and has a hairline fracture all through his scalp. He fell a second time and damaged his spine. He complains about the weather and his pain often and refuses to be intimate. He also refuses to be intimate even when he's feeling fine.
I've done a lot of work on myself over the years to accept him, but I still feel as though he is trying to control me to have a full life, a committed relationship and a powerful intimate connection. He resists it. When I break away from him he manipulates me back in promising that he'll heal what's causing his resistance. In the beginning there's a beautiful connection, but it only lasts a month or so. Then he has a million excuses for not wanting to be close, or committed. He lives with his mom and I live on my own. I want to have a powerful committed and loving relationship, but I end up coming back to his anger and control. I believe he has controlled anger and it only comes out when I push him to talk or to do something he doesn't want to do; ie. he helped me change my car battery a couple weeks ago, and he couldn't handle how my car was difficult to remove the screws. Our son was with us in the drivers seat. He had gotten away from me for a moment and honked the horn. For that brief second his anger peaked and he opened the car door to yell at him to get out and broke my car door handle.
The loophole all started again when we went to the shore with my family; my mom, brothers and son. The first 2 days he spent complaining about everything that was wrong with the world, the people, the climate and then my family members. I had consoled him and calmed him down the first 2 days, but by day three I stood up for my family, suggesting him to let it go that they are where they are in their process and life and do not need to heal something they are unaware of or aren't ready for. He was in a place of judgement and by day 4 I asked him to please leave. He also snored every night and so my family took turns to sleep in different rooms letting him have the bed, and once the couch. He refused to negotiate for everyone else, so we negotiated for him. The sleeping has been an issue for yrs but I had gotten used to it, knowing that when the snoring starts I just move to another room. He was mad and wanted me to just stay in the bed with him not getting any sleep and just dealing with it. I couldn't believe this showed up again. It was something we had worked out yrs ago, but it showed up again.
Several yrs ago during our separation I was so scared of him I had called Domestic Abuse. I had wanted to move to a Shelter to get away from him, but then let it go. I feel as though he doesn't see where I'm coming from and blames me instead. My regular therapist who I've been working with for 11 yrs believes he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and will never understand or admit he's doing anything wrong. Our Couples Therapist is now starting to take my regular therapists point of view. She offered to work with me solo and to let him know that our Couples Therapy relationship will be terminated. However, speaking to him yesterday he felt she was influenced by my speaking to her on my own and that was why she chose to do an exercise to help his get in touch with his rage at his mom; all the while he resisted the whole time. She offered to help me leave him. However, if he resisted the exercise because he felt initially she was taking sides, it might make sense he didn't open up. I had suggested he call her and talk to her and see if her decision is the same.
When we are in a together space everything is fine, but there is no intimacy and he just pulls away making excuses. We get along great as long as I don't ask him for anything. I feel as though I am sacrificing my identity and really need a support group, women's support group, financial support and perhaps move.
I want the have peace for my son and NOT teach him how to abuse a woman, and for him to see me empowered. I'm starting to realize I need to leave him, but even the effort in that seems almost hopeless. I need support to get the finances I need to get day care or babysitting, etc for my son from the state and really need to get away so we're not in his life as often if we are being manipulated by a NPD; which I believe we are. I think I'm angry and scared and feel trapped.