husband in rehab

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husband in rehab

Unread postby greenlime » Tue Jan 17, 2012 9:57 am

it's like he is not even gone
he calls me four times a day and i want it to STOP!
there are certian things we need to heal from and him talking to us is not helping.

I can handle talking to him maybe once in the morning or during the evening but thats all I can handle.. any suggestions? :D

He recently wrote us ( daughter and I) a letter and all it talked about was how much he had changed. I was disappointed because on the phone he talked about all the pain he caused but did not write about it in his letters. on the phone he said how sorry he was but in his letters he said nothing about why and what he was sorry for... I know what he has done and I am willing to forgive but if he cannot write me about the pain he knows he caused then I think he is just wasting my time and should move on. If he does not ask to be forgiven for the things he has done then I think he has not change at all. Most the time he is complaining of "something" when he calls.
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby abclimo » Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:06 am

Greenlime: Hi and welcome! Does your husband have a counselor in rehab? Have you been in contact with that person? You may want to try that route. Contact his counselor and tell them exactly what you wrote here, that you need him to not call so often and that he needs to tell you in writing what he is sorry for. He may be doing it on the phone because he isn't sure what to write. You may also want to ask for a meeting with your husband and the counselor together so you can talk about what you are feeling. It is important in his doing the steps that he write about how he has wronged people and to make ammends to them for their being wronged. That doesn't come in the very beginning, but depending on what his addiction is, drug or alcohol, it comes later on, further into recovery. The order is a little different between the 12 steps in drugs/alcohol. There is a huge difference in staying clean/sober and recovering. He will need you as a strong support system when he is released so he doesn't go back to old ways. It's very easy for people to revert back to old ways when they are allowed to be free after being in rehab. It's hugely important that he keep going to meetings once he is home. And also to avoid temptation whenever possible. In rehab they teach ways to deal with temptation when it arises, and it will arise. Even people who have been in recovery for a long time can have temptation so strong they fall prey to it, and before you know it, you are back to old tricks. You need to be strong and firm with him to make sure he knows the rules coming out, which I know is not easy when you love someone. It's the one thing my husband still apologizes to me for is enabling me. My prayers will be with you for strength to get through this. Keep posting here, we're all willing to help you.
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby greenlime » Wed Jan 18, 2012 3:54 pm

abclimo "Thankyou"
I did talk to someone, like you suggested and they said they would talk to him.
we have agreed that he can call one time a day during the morning.
thank you so much! :o
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby abclimo » Wed Jan 18, 2012 4:48 pm

Greenlime: I am so glad things worked out with talking to someone. It's so important that he work on things independently as well as with you as a family unit. He needs to learn how to deal with a variety of situations that arise, and they will arise at some point, the difference will be how he deals with them. When I look back at my addiction, now that I am clear headed, I thought I was only hurting myself, I didn't realize how much I was hurting my family. I thought they didn't know the true extent of my addiction, and boy, was I fooling myself. It's difficult once we have to face how we have hurt our families and apologizing for what we have done. I thought I was totally in control when I was addicted, now I look back and can't imagine how I thought I could have made a decision like I did when I was so out of it. I am so fortunate that my family has stuck by me and we have actually become stronger now than we were before my addiction, so many are not so lucky. The average addict goes into rehab 7 times to deal with their addictions. I made myself and my family a promise that I was going to be an exception to that rule, and so far I have been able to keep that promise. I know that not everyone can do it after one admission, and it doesn't mean they are a failure. Please post again to give us an update. Hugs!
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby greenlime » Tue Jan 24, 2012 5:14 am

abclimo Hello
my husband informed me that he would be home on the 24th and not the 28th as agreed.
re: because his knee has swollen up and it hurts to walk on it. He said he eats in his room and only leaves for group.
I asked him why had they not sent him to the hospital and he said.
One of the patients was sent to the hospital with almost the same condition as his and came back to the program with "perkersets" my husband claim the man was high and gave some out.

I aked my husband if he had taken any pills he said "no" everyone who did was kicked out.
I asked my husband if he had been given any asprin, he told me "yes" but said they make him sleep and they
don't take the pain away.
I suggested that he get a wheel chair. He said they offered but he did not want it and said some rude things

I explained to my husband that if it were an emergency they would have no choice but to take him to the emergency.
I also went on to remind him that if he did not complete his program as agreed that i would leave as he would be walking in.

He became annoyed and said, " I will not kill my self in here, fine you don't have to leave, there are plenty of places i can go.
He then slam the phone down in my ear. I decided to keep the phone off the hook.
I called afamily meeting and when it was over my daughter agreed that if we had to move to live with Darnell and his wife ( My son and Jessica) we would.

After the meeting was over I placed the phone back on the hook and would'n you know it , it rang.
I picked it up and heard my husbands voice, I slammed it back down.
The phone rang again, This time when I heard his voice he was apologying for slamming the phone in my ear.

He went on to say that he would stay till the end of the program. he finish by saying that he would suck it up because he had put us through so much.

My responce: I still don't understand why they won't send you to the hospital .
He was quite and then claim that sombody wanted to use the phone.
We said our goodbyes

abclimo,
that was real hard for me. I was so drained that I slept for an hour. I can't carry him. I have my own " stuff"
I' have codependecy issuse. I am trying so hard not to control every second of the day :lol:
then I have child abuse issues I am working on..... "no" and to top it off I am trying not to drink.... I have not taking a drink in four years. and it's hard. speaking of hard, I don't even know what to say to him when he gets home, should we go to a meeting? or should I just sit back and let him lead.
thanks for all your help 8)
May God bless you and those you love
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby abclimo » Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:48 pm

Greenlime: Prayers for you and your family for strength during this very difficult time. I am so glad you posted here so we can help you with this. I don't know where your husband is at for his rehab, but I see several things that have me questioning the facility. I find it very difficult to understand why they would let him eat in his room. Where I was at, they didn't even want you to have a drink in your room unless you were in a detox room. They have you eat in the dining room so you have socialization and can speak to others and hear what they have to say. Also, where I was, you had a very stringent schedule all day long, Group, meetings, individualized, etc. Also, where I was at, if anyone became ill, they took you to the emergency room right away, if it was something that the nursing staff couldn't deal with. So pretty much anything other than a simple headache, paper cut, etc. I find it exceptionally difficult to believe that they sent someone back with perks, especially someone who is coming from a rehab facility. I think a meeting while he is still inpatient is an excellent idea. I would contact his counselor and tell them you want a meeting with them and your husband and if you want any of your other family involved, I would also bring them. I would also find some meetings to go to for you and anyone else in your family, as far as AA or Al-anon or NA or Nar-anon. You will definitely need support yourself to deal with all that you have on your plate. You have a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for, just the fact that you have not had a drink during all of this. You are an inspiration and I'd like to thank you for sharing that with us. We can all learn from each other and you are a good influence for many of us here. As much as you have going on and you haven't used it as an excuse to trash your sober time. It's great that you have a contingent plan in place as far as what you'll do when he gets out and things are out of control. Things didn't get to where they were overnight and they won't return to how they were before overnight either. I can understand why they say you shouldn't make any big decisions, like getting a divorce or getting involved in a new relationship in the first year. When I first came home, I had so much anger towards my husband and how he behaved towards me. I could understand why he had doubts on my telling the truth by putting myself in his shoes. I also made a promise that we would never be going back to me using and I mean to keep that. I have to say that some days have been really difficult. I have a lot of health issues and have spent over 30 days, non-consecutively, in the hospital since the end of November. I have had 5 surgeries during that time and I will have another one tomorrow. It's been a difficult line to have pain control without letting the medicine take over and rule my life again. Through my higher power, talking to my sponsor, helping others here and coping mechanisms, I have been able to take only what I needed for extreme pain control and not abuse the drugs. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I know that you can remain strong through this with support from your family and others. Please keep posting so we can help you through this. Together we can do this, separately we cannot. Hugs!
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby greenlime » Fri Jan 27, 2012 9:46 pm

Thank you, abclimo

I am so glad you are in my life.
My husband said he made things sound worse than they were.
Please take care of yourself... I am praying for you and those you love
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby abclimo » Sat Jan 28, 2012 9:56 am

Greenlime: Thank you for your kind words. Since I am not currently able to get out to meetings, this site has become my "in home" meetings and have been a huge help to staying clean. I want to also thank you for all the sharing you have done. I keep thinking that through all we share here, hopefully we are able to help at least one person, who will in turn help someone else and so on. Hugs!
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby greenlime » Thu Feb 09, 2012 6:52 am

Dear abclimo
My husband relapes a week after he came home.
As of Feb 7, 2012 he had 5 days clean.
Then on Feb 8th he relapes again now having no days clean.

He came home 5:50 this morning. banging at the door. I refuse to let him in.
I will not allow him to take me "back" finally he used his keys.

When he came into our bed room I gave him our agenda for the day,
I told him to sleep in the Prayer room.
I told him we will no doubt seperate.
I explaine that not doing the 12 steps is what got him off track.
" Do the 12 steps if you want to live"

My husband is muslim and don't beleive in the 12 steps.
I am christian and to me God Is God and that's that!
My husband use to be a christian but became a muslim in jail, Many many years ago.

I refuse to pick up after him, I refuse to cancel any of our appointments today, he will do what he needs to do.
I am going to meetings for myself, alanon. My daughter is attending alateen meetings every monday
I just found this group called (family anonymous) they meet every Monday, I am excited. finally a place where i can go... now I have three supportgroups, you being my first.

Oh! before I forget. I told my husband that he has to find somewhere to do his detox. He is nasty and hateful and evil when he is detoxing, He picks on everything and everyone, even people in the street. well... I'll let you know what happens

Peace & love
:)
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby abclimo » Sat Feb 11, 2012 10:11 am

Greenlime: I am so sorry things are not working out for you, but so proud that you are sticking to your plan and not "enabling" him. You deserve a big hug for that. It's easy to stay clean inside because there is not as much temptation as outside. Once you're free of the walls and restrictions, sometimes you go back to that way of life. You have to be really ready to change and want to change, if not, no one can make you change. The steps are really important as is finding meetings and a support system. It's key to have someone to talk to before you pick up that first drug, when the temptation is so overwhelming that you think you'll die if you do not get it, and that you want it more than life itself. The steps are really non-denominational, the first one being admitting that you have a problem. The ones that do mention are pretty "open" stating "god of your understanding" some people do substitute "higher power" or other terms that they are more comfortable with. I know that not everyone does believe in god, but you've got to believe in something. It's fantastic that you have found support groups and that your daughter has also found a support group. It will help so much with explaining how these things happen and what to do to keep it from occurring again. Detoxing is really ugly! Depending on what you are detoxing from, you almost wish you could die. I don't know where you live, but there are numerous places around to detox at and if he contacts one and it's not the correct one, they can give him some names of others. While in detox, they expect hard work and attendance at all meetings and learning about what causes our addictions, and it's a very strict schedule everyday. If he doesn't have insurance, the facility can help him apply for either County Drug and Alcohol funding or help apply for Medicaid. If you have private insurance, your admission to rehab is much quicker because you don't have to wait for your funding to be approved. Please let us know how you are doing, I care and I'll say a prayer for you. Hugs!
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby Worried wife » Thu Feb 16, 2012 9:48 pm

Husband in rehab and hasn't called for two days. We were having problems and I think the marriage is over
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby abclimo » Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:24 pm

WorriedWife: I know your post was about a month ago, but I still wanted to post to you. When you first enter rehab, they don't allow you any contact with anyone outside for the first 2 days, after that, you are allowed to make phone calls and to have visitors. It's because they want you to be focused on your detoxing and so you'll not be such a mess when you do see/talk to your family. I hope this helps someone. I also hope that things are going well in your husband's recovery. Please come back and post again.
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby mrsdubble » Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:41 am

husband has been in rehab for a day he is in rehab because he was on fentynal patches which he had been abusing the last 3 years he would cut them up and suck on them. The last 3 years and been very miserable between him lying going through withdrawal asking me to help him with his medicine going to through me to get his medicine treating our children like they don't matter treating me like I don't matter and just being very nasty to everyone around him. Every month for the last 3 years has run out of this medicine early and I've had to deal with at least a week if not more of withdrawals until our insurance would cover his prescription again so we could have the medicine back. About 4 years ago he was shot in the back by his stepmother with a .357 he had a drunk altercation with his father that ended in his wife shooting my husband in the back. Over this last month he had everyone convinced that he was off the medicine including our whole church. The culmination was me taking this problem to our pastor and our pastor talking to him and taking him to rehab yesterday. Today he has called me at least 5 times and everytime he calls he's complaining about something. telling me he could have done this at home, he wants to come, home telling me the doctors telling him he can come home in about 3 or 4 days. He's very cunning liar. the last phone call he told me that I was going to have to come get him because he was in pain and they were not doing anything about his pain I explain to him that this was part of the process and they need to have him completely weaned off the medicine before they can have him on any pain meds because they need to see which part of this is addiction and which part of it is actual physical pain is response to this was "well thanks for being so supportive" these things he's telling me don't make sense at one point in the conversation where he called me and told me the doctor said she was going to get in Norco which is a narcotic medicine to 1000 milligram vicodin. He is gonegoing through opiate withdraw so why in the worldwide this babewoman say that? My question is how long do I wait before I speak my heart and tell him that I feel he needs to stay and let him know exactly how much he's hurt us I know he still going to withdrawal and I don't want to lay all of this on him too soon but I do feel something that I need to say to him and let him know that I'm hurt and he's hurting our family any needs to stop or he's a going to lose us. You know there's been heated arguments in fights to where I told him how I felt in and such. But it just seems to go in 1 ear and out the other. I never had any sort of addiction and I'm not sure how this process works I don't know what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to talk to I have a great support system at the church but as far as the doctors and therapist at the hospital no 1 has contacted me. I mean given it's only been a day but I don't know how I'm supposed to go about this or what I'm supposed to do. Any insight that anyone has would be greatly appreciated thanks.
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby nlwmnp13 » Sun Feb 03, 2013 8:33 pm

Whatever you do, do not enable him by going to pick him up. My husband is in rehab, he cannot call. But I will tell you this, it has saved us because it have both of us the time we needed to think. It takes time for them to detox, then think while chemical free. And that's when you will know when to speak to him, when he is chemical free. I hope you are taking this time to rest, think for yourself, and regroup. Allow yourself the time to just be, pray, and think.
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Re: husband in rehab

Unread postby eixid » Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:24 pm

Husband has been in rehab for 2 and 1/2 months. He sounds like he's doing better and says he is but it seems like he's distancing himself from me. When he 1st left after a week he would call as soon as he was aloud to get his phone. He talked about how good he was and how much he loved and missed me. Now I barely get a text from him. He doesn't say he loves me unless i force it out of him. I checked our phone bill and it shows where he text and calls people. He says they are his sponsors. I asked why he doesn't call or text anymore and he says he's busy. I don't know what the difference is. He claims the people he is in rehab with text each other all the time. I asked why when they are with each other 24/7. He said we just do. I feel hurt that he has time to call and text people he's with all day everyday and doesn't have time for me. we've been together 21 years. I may not understand rehab but something just doesn't feel right. Has anyone else experienced this?
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