I don't know what to do

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I don't know what to do

Unread postby lostandconfused » Sat Jul 14, 2012 2:14 am

Please help. My boyfriend is an addict and I don't know what to do. We have been together for 9 years and he has struggled with almost every substance available. He has had a problem with weed, ecstasy, heroin, crack, pain pills, and alcohol. The biggest problem we have always had is his lies to protect his addiction and the fact that I don't know much about drugs he has always been able to convince me things were fine until they weren't. I don't want to go through the long detailed history so I will just talk about the current issue at hand.

He has had an addiction to pain pills for about a year and for the most part it did not affect out relationship, I was not even aware that he was doing them as often as he was. Apparently two weeks ago it got bad and he needed to go back to crack to help ease the craving from one addiction, which clearly is not the way to do it. I found out about a week after he said he stopped because he was almost arrested but caught a break from the cop. He also maxed out his credit card because of cash advances and he said that it was the first time that he saw how the long term affects were truly going to affect him negatively.

We have been having an open dialogue about his addiction for about a week now but it has only made me more suspicious. He never takes enough to get totally wrecked so I was never really able to tell when he was high on anything. Then tonight he told me that one of his friend left his keys in his work van (which is a few towns over from us) last Sunday and he needed them back tonight at 11:30pm. He then called his boss to see if the missing keys were in the work van and he said they were. So he was going to drive to get the keys and then bring them to his friend. Something didn't make sense, how did his friend not realize the keys were gone before then. So when he was about to leave I asked if I could go with him because it was late and I did not want him driving around this late at night (he didn't sleep the night before). He did not put up a fight or anything so I figured it would be a nice drive for us to talk and hang out.

We got about 2 miles down the main highway when he pulled his phone out of his pocket and PRETENDED that he got a call from his boss saying the work van was not at their work location and was being used by the boss' son. I know he did not really get a call because he has an iPhone and I watched him pull it out of his pocket and it was on his lock screen with no incoming call. He then proceeded to have a pretend conversation while pulling off the highway to turn around. When he got off the phone he tried to play it off that his boss was an idiot for not telling him the van was not there before we left. I waiting a few minutes before I said anything because I wanted to make sure I was not seeing things. When I brought it up he got a little defensive, nothing aggressive, but I could tell something was not right.

We then talked for the next hour about what he was going to have to do to gain my trust again, to which I had no answer. The only solution I could think of was if he showed me that his boss truly called. I am not the type of person to demand to see a cell phone but I calmly explained that it was the only way that he could prove me wrong, but I did not push the matter. I explained that if his boss did indeed call then I was clearly mistaken and I would apologize for that, but he never showed it to me so now I am sitting here with the worst gut feeling that he was going to go and get pills or crack tonight and if I did not get in the car he would have succeeded.

While we were talking about everything he did bring up us finding some sort of therapy to help the two of us get through this together. I appreciate the fact that he is willing to go to counseling to help fix our trust issues, but we can't afford it. The therapists in our area charge $100+/hour and I know this is going to be a long term activity for the bigger picture.

My question for anyone out there that took the time to read this, is there a way to build a healthy level of trust again? I very badly want this to work, I love him unconditionally but I personally can not live with this feeling that he is lying to me so he can get high. This is a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family of our own and with the two of us both 26 we are getting to the time when we should be moving towards that, but I can't help but feel that it is so far in the distance that it will never happen.

Please, anyone with any advice on how we can work through this together while I am still being supportive to him let me know.

Re: I don't know what to do

Unread postby dedegams » Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:09 pm

Wow you are me 10 years ago! I feel for you. The trust thing is really hard. I married mine we have 3 children. I just kicked him out of the house due to a relapse. I get that relapse can be a part of recovery, it is human to make a mistake. I found in the past that I covered for him all the time. I had shame and guilt over his actions. I was so unhappy! I kept thinking this has to be the time he gets it. Sadly for me he still hasn't gotten it. Alanon meetings are helpful. Everyone there has been in your shoes and that itself is comforting. I would put yourself first. You are not gonna stop him, he has to do that. Has he ever done rehab? I always tried, and still do, to control it. I would take the money away, he would sell EVERYTHING he had including his wedding band. My husband is a very sick man. I try and focus on myself and the kids. I have no job and a boat load of bills but he is on his own. I will find a way. As should you. I'm not sure if he has medical benefits but some towns have beds in rehabs he may be able to get. The only way for him to stay sober is to attend a program, AA NA whichever works for him. I know this because I am sober and have been for the past 10 years. I do so by attending meetings and being completely connected to the program. I wish you all the best and will pray for you. Just remember the 3 c's didn't cause it can't control it and can't change it!
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