Is it time to say goodbye?

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Is it time to say goodbye?

Unread postby LoveConquers » Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:32 pm

This is my first time ever writing on a forum, but I feel I need an outsiders perspective about a big life decision that may (or may not) be happening on June 20th, 2014. That is my wedding day. A day a girl dreams about her entire life, and instead of planning for the “big day” I’m sitting here contemplating my entire life. I’ve been with my Fiancé for about 3 years (minus 6 months). We are deeply in love with each other, but his demon, the drug addiction, has broken us so badly that we are nearly hanging on by a thread.

In the beginning, I was completely blinded about his past, we had multiple conversations about drug addiction (I was in a previous relationship with a drug addict) and he told me about his brother suffering with the problem. He led me to believe he never had a problem with drugs. I was on cloud 9, he was everything I hoped for in a man. We moved in together quickly and our life was beginning. Until a few months later when he decided not to come home for a few days, and when he finally did, he was so strung out on something that he looked like death and wasn’t the man I fell in love with. He was short tempered and very defensive when I demanded to know where he was and why he felt the need not to call me. I drug tested him, and he had almost every kind of drug in his system. Then the truth came out, he told me he has always had a problem with drugs, and he was clean for 2 years, until Valentine’s day of 2012 when he was free of probation and went on a drug binge (mostly oxy’s, his drug of choice). Then he disappeared for another week, and I called it quits. I packed up our entire 3 bedroom apartment in a matter of a few days (it’s amazing what stress and the inability to sleep does to a person) and I moved out. Although the thought of spilling bleach all over his clothes crossed my mind, I ended up neatly folding them and putting them all in a corner for him to pick up whenever he decided to come back to reality.

6 months went by, and I didn’t hear a word from him. It was so hard, because I had such strong feelings for him, and worried constantly if he was even alive. But as the days went by, my worrying and concern subsided and I was starting to get over him. Until one day, I received an email from him. He told me he couldn’t believe what he had done, and he didn’t know he was as bad as he was. He told me he was in a methadone program and seeing counselor and he apologized for putting me through what he did. I am a very logical thinker, and I wanted to see it to believe anything he told me. We met up, and the feelings instantly came back, however I still had my guard up, and I wasn’t about to be taken advantage of again.

We started spending more time together, and eventually we got back together. Due to my circumstances of leaving my apartment I was forced to move back to my parents, since he had withdrawn -$1500 out of my account… and yes I meant to put a negative before the amount. He spent most of his time with me at my parents, and he pretty much had moved in. December 24th 2012 he proposed. And with the changes he had made, and the PROMISES me made, I knew he was a changed man and I said yes.

Everything was going perfect, we were looking at venues, and met with his childhood church and put a deposit down on our reception hall. Of course, it wasn’t a smooth ride, he often took Klonopin’s (which he bought illegally) to ease his anxiety and we would argue about it, because it would make him like a zombie. he would fall asleep doing ANYTHING! And his driving was the scariest of things. This happened every few months, and eventually he told me he was done doing them, and he would stop. Until I found a pill bottle with cocaine in it. I flipped out! And he told me it was for someone else, and of course I believed him. I took a shower, and he came in to make sure I was in the shower (he asked me a stupid question) and my gut told me to get out! I got out as quickly as I could, and when I found him, I also found a syringe and his bloody arm. My heart shattered, and I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. We spent a few days apart, and of course we got back together (writing this I feel like I’m a complete idiot for taking him back so many times).

Months went by, and nothing was happening. It was good, we were working on us, and things were getting better. I was lucky enough to get my dream job, and we started dreaming about the future (the wedding, the house, the kids…..) and then I noticed he was changing. He was becoming more detached and depressed. I asked how he was feeling numerous times, and I didn’t get a response.

Now we fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I came home after working all day on Friday. My fiancé was there and he was talking to my dad about something. My fiancé wasn’t acting right, and I knew he had taken a Klonopin. He and my dad were discussing something that happened that morning. My father has been sick and he has a hospital bed in our living room. Earlier that morning, my dad woke up with my fiancé picking up pills that had “fallen” on the floor (he keeps them right next to his bed). As my fiancé was walking away, my dad asked me “hey do you have any pills in your pocket?” And my fiancé pulled out pills from his pocket.

Now I don’t know if he was intentionally taking the pills, or if his head was so messed up from the Klonopin’s he had taken (he took a high dose) that he had forgotten he put them in his pocket, but the scenario looked as if he was guilty of trying to steal my dad’s medication. My fiancé packed up his things and left. I’ve been trying to make sense of this whole thing. My fiancé is now seeing a psychiatrist and is taking Prozac to help with his anxiety and depression. We’ve had meaningful conversations about everything drug related and he keeps telling me he would never hurt me.

Now that he’s back at his parents, when I call at night to talk to him, he’s not there. My fiancé told me that he is hanging out with a friend, but yesterday when I went to see him, there looked like there were marks on his arm from an injection. He told me he bumped into something, and he didn’t know how they got there. I spent the night at his house, and we had such a wonderful night. But when I tried to call him tonight, he wasn’t home, I’m sure he’s at his “friends” house. I plan on drug testing him tomorrow to see if he is using cocaine, but I don’t know what to do if there is. I know many people will say “it’s time to leave him” but it’s easier said than done. I’m supposed to be marrying this man, and when he’s clean, he’s amazing! But I’m getting sick of the lying and using. People who are married for 50 years, didn’t always have a smooth life together, they worked through their problems and made it work, and I think him and I could be one of those couples. But there are no guarantees that he will stop using, and it scares me to death that one day, he might relapse bad again. It’s hard to even trust his word, since I usually find out the truth with drug tests, or finding something on him. I don’t want to be drug testing the man I am going to marry. I just feel lost, and mostly alone. I also feel embarrassed because everyone knows we are getting married, and I will feel like a fool if the wedding is canceled. He also “threatens” me with his life if I ever leave him. And he makes me feel guilty and “trapped”. But when he is clean, we have the best relationship, and we complement each other so well. I’m just afraid this demon will always have a voice in our relationship, and be whispering in his ear. I just would like some guidance and any encouragement on how we can try to make this work. What I can say or do that may hit home to him. Thank you for reading this! I appreciate it.
LoveConquers
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Re: Is it time to say goodbye?

Unread postby Penelope » Mon Dec 23, 2013 10:57 am

Hi =)
Thank you for sharing your story.
I opened the topic because I've asked myself that same question so many times lately.
My relationship is not as serious as yours, he is only my boyfriend and we are not planning to get married any time soon, but I see so much of my fears and thoughts on your words.
My boyfriend is currently in rehab, and he his going to be there for 9 months, and now that he is "out of my life" I feel so free. I don't want to say it like that but relationships with addicts are such a burden sometimes, they lie, they leave, they make us believe there is hope and then something happens. It's a roller coaster of emotions and some of them are very negative.
Reading your story, I will give you my honest opinion, I don't think you should get married, at least not yet. You both need to heal. He probably still has an addiction, and he needs to get better because otherwise what you had these past years is going to be your future. There is no hope and shinny days when there is an addiction, those are lies and living those good months like you've said you did is also a lie. You don't want to be with someone just for a few months of happiness, you deserve a full life of happiness.
I'm not saying that you can't be happy with him, I do believe that love when it's true can be one the strongest things in the world, but I just think that you both need to solve the addiction problem first.
That is my advice.
You are a brave person, always be strong because you need to be to support someone with that kind of problem, sometimes it's a lonely task, but if you love him that's a battle that you need to win.
I hope this helps you in some way, I'm going trough something similar so I do understand everything you say, and this is my point of view.

Lots of love

Penelope
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Re: Is it time to say goodbye?

Unread postby Shebes » Sat Dec 28, 2013 4:38 pm

Hello,

I read your post and I can tell that you are searching for someone to help you make a decision that you can only make yourself. I do however have a few thoughts I thought might be helpful to you. The first thought that I have is it seems from your story that your fiancée has had very little clean time. When addicts are actively using they are obsessed with getting high. They lie to others and manipulate them to hide their drug usage so they are incapable of being trusted. When people enter twelve steps programs or rehabs they are advised against getting in any love relationships for at least a year because they need to focus on themselves and staying sober. So the first thought I have for you is do you think that your fiancée is in a place where he can enter into the committed relationship of marriage? My second thought is what is keeping you attracted to someone who continually disappoints you and is not capable of being honest with you? Do you think that when you marry him everything change? Are you trying to fix him? Your fiancée may truly want it to change in his heart, but he can not control it. It is extremely difficult to stop using drugs when you are addicted. If you are into reading and educating yourself some great books are Codependant No More, Or The New Codependancy. I know that your heart is hurting and you are searching for answers, but in your search, allow your head to have a voice as well. I hope this helps.
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Re: Is it time to say goodbye?

Unread postby hurting38 » Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:23 am

Hi !
I am married to drug addict for many years,and the lies and usage never stops.it gets worser.he does not come home from1-3 days a week.gets angry when questioned,even refuse to do a drug test!hello???i am positive about what he does,but after 10 years,he still hide it and does not even admit he has a problem,plus he is alcoholic . I have a 3 kids and it is hard to leave.in my case,he refuse to get separation or divorce,he gets angry.i am prisoner,where he can do anything,but I have to be home with kids,and I never get break.please make the right decision,free your self.you will find a love ,pain free.Do it while you can!!!! please.I can't free myself and I pray daily for miracle..I want my freedom,I want to be able to sleep without worrying.i want my kids to be free of pain where is daddy,why he did not come,why he promised he will stop and can't stop.... That is my advice!!!
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Re: Is it time to say goodbye?

Unread postby Jst4Tdy » Fri Jan 17, 2014 11:12 pm

LoveConquers wrote:
We are deeply in love with each other, but
his demon, the drug addiction, has broken us so badly that we are nearly
hanging on by a thread.


My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation. The man I have been with for the last 3 years of my life is a former Heroin addict (I was able to help him get a script for Suboxone, he was getting it from someone who used to supply him) and a Crack Cocaine smoker. I'm a recovering addict, I am a teacher at a special needs school and I am so grateful that I met my current sponsor there. Anyhow.

When we got together, he informed me that he is a recovering addict. He used to shoot dope with his son in the house. ((he's 34 and I am 25)), but since he was taking Suboxone, it shouldn't be a problem, but that the last time he had smoked crack was 3 months before we started dating. I decided to give this guy a chance, we really seemed to click, and he was everything I wanted. He has a stable job, a vehicle, no financial issues.. What he failed to tell me till it was too late, was that he doesn't want to give up smoking crack. The day he relapsed was our year anniversary, and I made him promise me that he wouldn't do it ever again. I had never been so neurotic in my life, I WAS ACTING LIKE THE CRACK HEAD, I was so scared for his life. I tried calling and calling and texting, even driving all over the city looking for him. I finally had to rescue him at 3 AM because he had to be ready to go to work in a few hours.

I told him I felt like the worst girlfriend. I let him relapse.

Skipping ahead to last August. I had been invited on a camping trip with a girl I befriended, we were going 3.5 hours away and staying for 3 days. I was so excited because I love camping, and this girl and I were joined at the hip. The night before our departure, I was having trouble sleeping and having all sorts of crazy paranoia. I woke him up and cried to him that I was having second thoughts about this trip. I was gone from August 9th to the 11th. WORST TRIP EVER. My friend ended up spending the whole time drunk, and she's nasty when intoxicated. I begged him to come get me, but he wouldn't. Finally getting home early evening on the 11th, something seemed really off when I walked in the house. He gets his son for the entire summer and for Christmas, so his son was playing Xbox when I walked in. I wasn't greeted, I was asked to make them dinner. I did, then went to bed -- after my weekend, I just wanted to snuggle up with my honey and start fresh. But that wasn't an option. He sauntered into the bedroom at 2:30 AM. I was furious. The next morning, I confronted him. I asked him if he fudged up while I was away. He confessed that he did. I looked at him straight in the eyes and said "you promised me, I SHOULD leave you out of safety for myself, but against better judgement I'm not going to." He swore up and down and promised me that he would never ever ever do it again.

Now for present day. We're still together, but things are so rocky, he's becoming so emotionally manipulative, and he's just being mean. I have a hunch that he's been using again, but I'm unsure. I've gone over and over with my sponsor, and we're going to do a 4th step. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love this man to death, and so do my parents. But I cant be his sponsor and girlfriend at the same time. He won't go to meetings, he says they don't work. GAH.

I was also at a loss for what to do, but my sponsor tells me that if he's going to choose drugs over me then it's time to go, and once he get's his head in the right place and is ready to let go of the drugs to work on our relationship AND attend NA meetings, then and only then can I think about taking him back.. I revealed to him the other day my exit plan (we just got a house together last April) and I fully intend to carry it out if I have any suspicion if he's using or planning on using.


Best wishes to you, sister <3

Lucy
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Re: Is it time to say goodbye?

Unread postby Emchush » Mon Jan 20, 2014 1:40 am

It sounds like he needs a lot of profressional help. It's not easy to say no more, but you need to get to an emotional bottom. You should think about an intervention to get him progressional help. Kevin Dixon is a nationwide interventionist and he could give you some guidance on what you can do or if its time to stop. But no matter if you are in the picture or not he still has an addiction and needs to seek professional help. You can google Kevin Dixon at www.kdconsulting.org. He gives free consultations and might be able to she'd some light on this.
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