by mdb418 » Mon Apr 13, 2015 7:35 pm
I spent 11 years with a man I never knew. We started dating at age 16. we are now 30. We had a daughter,lived together and bought a house a few years back. I thought if we had some stability,a nice home and love for one another things would fall into place....that many of our problems were him just being a guy and immature. I always kind of bent to his needs even from an early age because its what made our relationship easier. I just wanted to be loved and happy and he just wanted to be free and do as he pleased. it was a tug a war. Things were ok after we bought our first home together in october of 2012 ....he seemed to be spending more time at home and focussing on his family which was a great sign for us. then slowly the money was disappearing, I was working more to compensate for the lack of food and stability we once had. The fighting became an every day occurrence and eventually he became less of a presence in our home. He would throw around words like he wasnt ready for this life, he never wanted to get married and its all i ever dreamt of...hurtful things he knew that would destroy me even if it was the truth. On mothers day I decided to snoop in his car and found the non payment of the mortgage notices piling up in his glove compartment. I noticed he had gotten multiple raises at work and even bonuses I never knew about. I saw bank statements showing our daughters saving had been drained...completely...along with our savings. I went to his friends for help in trying to understand this before I went to him. They did some digging around and talking to people and the information led back to a very bad addiction to percocet 30miligrams....like 10 a day. I was completely crushed...somewhat in denial but there was no other explanation so I forced myself to believe it. He was confronted. admitted. Went to meeting and slowly started using again only this time being more careful of his lies. i found out,asked for help from family he admitted and finally got sober for the first time since we met for an entire week. As luck would have it it didn't last long . he fell off a ladder at work on sober 8 and crushed his entire heal which required many surgeries and,medications and more time off of work...almost a year. He was abusing his medications and I HAD ENOUGH! Eventually he went back to work about 3 months later and the medication stopped being prescribed to him. My wildest nightmares came true...We lived together,in separate rooms,never communicating and silently hating each other for months. One day he came home early from work. He said I have to talk to you...explained he was worse then ever and leaving for rehab that day...within the hour. All my questions taken over with tears and trying to be strong for our daughter. In the facility I MET WITH HIM LIKE 2 WEEKS IN AND HE ADMITTED TO USING HEROIN THE LAST MONTH before he left. A piece of me died that day. My anger,tears,frustration,anxiety,depression have taken over...and this is only the half of it. We decided to split but still remained in the house living together because its easy right now. I do not make enough to provide my daughter with what she deserves and be on our own. I reside in the basement. for a whole year after recovery we did the coparenting coliving thing ok. His family always kind of blamed me for being a "bitch' because they never knew the hell which was our lives. He was put on a pedestal before i knew about his addiction bc he was always so pleasant and helpful to everyone except his own family...me and his daughter. Now hes worshipped for his getting sober and doing the right thing. I guess I'm mad because I lost friends,fought with family,lied for him,worked harder to hide his issues and he lost nothing. He has this amazing job,makes fabulous money,was able to leave and come back multiple times for rehab. Hes able to provide for himself and our daughter nicely. He can fix his car when its broke or go to the dentist or doctor because he has insurance. Im just angry. His addiction caused me to sacrifice the person I was and now Im this cold,closed off,easily aggitated,depression,anxiety filled mess. I get by. I can put the face on for work and get through the day but the simple thought of him brings me to tears even though were both dating other people. I feel broken and it him that holds the key to fixing me...but i dont want him to. Its like I hate him but nobody can say a word bad about him bc I'll defend him to the grave. He's a great dad...and most days I'm the problem. He's learned to handle his addiction with meeting and good friends...I feel alone and lost. I get even more upset because he is a great dad,and tries to help me but I cant allow him to help me...i physically can not. It hurts. If anybody has any words of wisdom to help me move forward from this Id greatly appreciate it. I just want to be a good mom,friend,daughter,employee again. I dont want to have to fake it...most importantly I just want to feel at peace and get some closure. Thank you all.