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We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:56 pm
by Ryan's Sister
I watched my brother go through alcohol, then we coached, he stopped. I thought we were helping him.
Then oxycontin, then again, we coached, he stopped, or I guess now he was just getting worse.
Judging by what nastiness we now realize as a heroin high, we assume Ryan has been shooting up about a year now.

He lies all the time, he's torturing the life out of my family, EVERY denial word is a LIE. Every lost dollar...everything.
He's stolen money, pawned antiques, we hide our money at bed time. He traded his car for drugs. His veins are a wreck...

I'm not sure if his dealer will kill him first, or his heroin.

So now you're probably wondering why my parent's haven't kicked him out... I told my Dad 6 months ago to quit paying his bills and kick him out. Unfortunately his response, I have no arguement for. Dad said, if he lives here, at least I know he made it home alive. If I kick him out, I have to spend every second wondering. I know there's a arguement for that, I don't have enough in me for that yet.

I know I'm not saying anything different than anyone else, it's just different when it's you. Here's the kicker, I work in Healthcare. My first autopsy was a 16 year old male heroin overdose in 1995. Not only do I know better, I know exactly what it will do to him, but not how to make him fix himself.

Ryan is a functioning addict (maybe a lot of people are), he goes to work, has a girlfriend (who has no idea) and is too old to be put into treatment. He is buying suboxone off the street and uses it for a few days, then runs back to herion. Everytime he starts the suboxone again, he tells me he's done with heroin, it's every 3-4 days. I want to be supportive, but I also want to tell him he's full of shit (sometimes I do, some times I'm just sick of argueing with a compulsive liar).

I'm on this webpage because there's no where for Ryan to go from here. I have offered to pay for inpatient treatment, out patient counceling, or lock him in my house for 2 weeks (board the windows/doors and slide food under it) not sure how illegal it is, but have truly, truly thought about it. He denies a problem, but admits to using. My Dad is afraid if we intervene too much Ryan will loose his job and his girlfriend will leave, causing Ryan to spiral out of control and kill himself or overdose and die.

So why am I really here, instead of tossing his shit out the door. We just learned our Mom has cancer all through out her body... her only wish... to see Ryan get better. I know Ryan needs to want this for himself and her cancer isn't going to be enough. In fact, I think her diagnosis might be why he's gotten so much worse lately.

Here's my question... what kind of out patient places can I research in the Bucks Co. area? Ryan has no $$ and no insurance. I can make payments somewhere, but don't know the options. He has a friend who just came out of inpatient rehab and is lost, probably dead. That has my parents concerned but, is it possible to commit a drug user against their will? Is that psychologically a bad idea? Our family isn't religious, Ryan wouldn't stay for a 12-step/ religion based program. Your thoughts, comment and ideas would be appreciated. I understand were slow to act and arn't ready for tough love yet, so I would appreciate not being attacked for that - I don't mind good ideas about it though.

Ryan's Sister

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:30 am
by Guest
Hello Ryan's Sister,

I want to start by saying that I'm sorry for your mom, and that I feel for you. You won't be attacked or judged on this board. We all went (are going) through something similar. Who knows what we're supposed to do? It is such a frustrating and painful situation that even talking about it requires a lot. As far as a rehab in Bucks is concerned, I don't know if there is any, however you may want to call your township. A lot of them now offer programs that are free. They can also recommend a facility suitable for your brother. But you cannot force him to go to rehab.

Did you try to go to some Al-Anon meetings? They are very helpful and a great way to keep your sanity. Addicted people think they only hurt themselves... I wish it was true.

Come back if you wish.

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:37 pm
by Ryan's Sister
Thanks. I appreciate the understanding that other's don't know what to do either.
I'm a fixer (and thus probably a bit of an enabler) unfortunately there's nothing for us to fix, that's hard.
You just get to watch your brother self destruct.
I thought about some groups for my family... they're not quite there yet, still accepting that they can't control this.
I'll look into calling Bucks Twp, that's a good place to start...

Thanks for your post,
Ryan's Sister

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:58 am
by Nikky
I'm sorry about your mom. I lost mine to cancer 2 yrs ago, Had been taking care of her for a couple of years.
I am new in the area myself..2 years.....
but I have 29 years clean and sober.
I suggest you go online and look into places in Delray Beach Florida. It is a small town on the east coast. Make calls and see if they can assist or direct you to a place that will give you a date he could come in, and get his ass.. there.
There is rehab and rehab, but if you come out, and go back to everything you know, you mostly don't have a chance... same dealers, same pressures, maybe same job, same family your ashamed to face once clean.... it really works better to be in a place where there are no props good or bad, no one but recovery people to know for a LOOOOng time. A lot more people stay recovered there. Some go back to their home towns.... some stay there. It's an interesting place, and a beautiful town, plenty of half-way houses when the time is right.

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:09 pm
by Guest
Hi Ryans sister,

I am very sorry about your mom. I am from the greater Philadelphia area, literally right next to bucks county. There are plenty of options for your brother. But understand one thing may work for someone and not for another. The disease of addiction is not a science. From what i understand your brother sounds like he wants to quit using heroin (by his buying suboxone), but does not want to take the necessary steps to make that happen. It sounds like you may have to conjure a 3 step plan. I would honestly suggest for you, and all of your brothers loved ones to set up an intervention for him. is a great place to learn how to make that happen. These work wonders to unwilling addicts. Now im not exactly sure if this would be step one, or if u should make it step 2. Either before, during, or after the intervention you should set ryan up with his own personal suboxone doctor. Suboxone can be expensive, but most doctors will be willing to set up a payment plan of some sort. Suboxone is a miracle drug when used correctly (speaking from experience). My doctor, Dr. Widerman is a great guy and would be more than willing to work with you. You can contact him at 215-934-6777. The third step would consist of your brother, after the intervention, going into a inpatient drug rehab center. There should be no "ifs,ands or buts" about this. This should be the main goal of your intervention. ( I recommend at least a 90 day treatment program, but from my experience and others i know, the longer the better. Good luck to you and your brother. I will be checking back here, and if u need to contact me i will be glad to give you my email address or my phone number.

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:22 pm
by Guest
Hello Ryan's Sister,

You and your family will be in my prayers because I have nephews who went through the same thing and their parents are handling it in different ways. My one nephew was so bad that my brother had to put him out of the house and it was the hardest thing he ever had to do but like your brother he stole from the family and it got to the point that they had to put him out in order to keep their own sanity. An intervention by the family wouldn't hurt it doesn't have to end with an either or mandate but let him know how much you love him and what his addiction is doing to the family. You could try to contact the Bucks County drug and alcohol comission for some suggestions about rehabs or outpatient programs that have a sliding scale for those like your brother. I would also suggest that you and any family member who is interested attend al anon or nar anon meetings for support for yourselves because you are not alone and amybe you could benefit from what others have been through. If you have any religious beliefs I would suggest to turn your brother over to the God of your understanding. Hang in there because there is always hope.

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 11:09 pm
by Princessxoxox
I just want to say that i am very sorry to hear about your mother. I just recently found out that my boyfriend who had been taking pills moved on to bigger and better things that been herion. I was so sad, mad, broken and felt betrayed. He now is in a rehab and has been for almost 2 1/2 weeks. He is in the Keystone center. I am not positive that he can go there but I would try. There are so nice and help you alot. They have great family meetings and he really is having a good out look on things when he comes out. If he cant go there and you and your family I would look into sending him far either to Flordia or to New Mexico they have places in both these states that are away from people, places, and things. That is the most important thing. It so sad and it hurt so much to find out that they are doing what they are doing. As for his girlfriend she needs to be told and soon. If she loves him she will stay. But he has to remember that before you love anyone you have to love yourself and when you are high all the time you can not do either. Good Luck with everything. I wish you the best in finding treatment for him. Make sure you google pa rehabs. Thats what I did to get their number. He may not what to go but make him and then he can make the choice to stay. They told me that I didn't cause this, I can't change it and I can't cure it. Also if your parents feel he is a danger to himself or others they may depending on his age could 302 him. I am sure you could call your local hospital and find out how to do that, and if they don't have any answer call a crisis center I know that have one in Delaware County at Chester Crozer. Good luck. I wil pray for you!

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:37 am
by deetz
sorry to hear about your mother. also i have a comment for you maybe it will work . i had to 302 my friend that is a herion addict cause she had no insurance i did it a crozer chester delaware colunty send s you to fitzgerald hosp now they have a crisis center and delco county has no detox anymore. been there plenty of times myself. but crozer they have crisis and on the 3rd floor anf 5th floor units your brother could be admitted to .
my friend had no insurance and she got a bed i forget for how long but from there she went to mirmont treatment center. but i think your brother needs to get far away from where he just cant walk out that he has to stay put. i went real far away to columbia hospital i dont even know the town i didnt know who i was or anything. i was on mulitiple tthings along with alcohol. im going to meeting now to stay clean and im trying to help a herion addict and a morphine junkie, she opens the capsules and shoots it. its very sad and hard to watch but its really all up to him . i would try a intervention and get a professional in the room from the place you can get him into. like the show intervention call them they maybe able to help you it says if you know someone that needs help and they give a number is on A&E i dont know where you are for the channel but look it up. they will help you i will be usuing that number myself for my friend. Im sorry your going through all this. i moved away from upper darby to wayne to get away from ppl. i told everyone i was moving to Delaware so they wouldnt contact me. I no longer go to Upper Darby not even to visit my mother who is a active alcoholic. and wants me to drink with her but i refuse. and she hates that but oh well. just remember its not your fault. God Bless you and your family stay strong but dont forget about you try na anon deetz

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 7:38 pm
by Ryan's Sister
Just checking in. Thank you all for thoughtful words of understanding and support. I found a physician that can treat Ryan in the area. The links and suggestions have been very helpful.
Since I first wrote, Ryan lost his job, his girlfriend learned what was going on- she left but has worked with our family to try and get Ryan help. We had a family meeting and poured our hearts out to Ryan, and most important ,told him we loved him and were willing to help him or he would have to go.

The best news I can give so far is that Ryan stopped lying. I'm not ready to give too much credit to other baby steps yet, as he's proven me wrong before.
But he admits what he has stolen now, admits there is a problem, has started discussing outpatient clinics, took a home drug test during a family meeting (failed everything) and tells us he's ready to change. It's only been 10 days and he has shown the physical signs of withdrawl. That's the best I can give today, hopefully tomorrow will be another step forward.

Thank you again.
Ryan's Sister

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 8:23 pm
dont give up before the miracle happens

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:55 pm
by Guest
having recently gone through a similar situation with my husband i can tell you what i did,

i took out a PFA knowing full well he would break it, the first time he did i had him arrested, no one posted bail and we had a hearing, at the hearing in doylestown i FOUGHT for 2 hrs with the DA, they wanted to hold him in jail for 30 days i REFUSED because he was not getting treatment there, their idea of detox was to lock him in a cell on sucide watch for 72hrs, finally i told the DA i would drop the charges and testify on my husbands behalf if the court did not ORDER him into inpatient rehab at eagleville rehab...DONE...the judge ordered him into rehab and after the prision system drug their feet for another week and a half he was FINALLY released into rehab.

sounds harsh and mean, but my feeling was that at least he would be alive to hate me!

but was i wrong, he actually thanked me for fighting so hard for 3yrs to get him to this point, he is still VERY newly clean, but he is clean.

all i can say is FIGHT!!! if you are told NO or something cant be done DO NOT BELIEVE IT!!! there are loopholes for EVERYTHING, the users and thieves know how to work the system, YOU CAN TOO ;)

look into welfare insurance, i think in pa its and look into having him 302'd, it did not work for me but i know other people who have done it.

good luck!!!

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 8:21 pm
by Cloudy
How is Ryan doing??

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 9:16 pm
by Ryan's Sister
Thanks guys... not so good Cloud, as you can imagine.
Back on here, looking for other suggestions and tools for Pennsylvania resources, it's hard living in another Maryland.
He stole my parents wedding jewelry and now a computer... actually everything he can touch, there are locks on all the doors...
He's back to all the lie's and must have found a new drug combination, he's not acting like he's on heroine anymore... at least not the classic signs.
I'll write back... thanks again! I checked the page, it's not correct.
Sorry, very frustrated today.
Ryan's sister

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 4:48 pm
by guest.
Hey Ryan's sister,
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. I am and alcoholic/addict and i got out of treatment yesterday. I've been in treatment since August 27. I just wanted to give you a suggestion. All AA/NA participants are always looking to help an addict/alcoholic who is in need, even if the person doesn't want to be helped. You should check out a meeting, an NA meeting and find someone who can give you some advice, they might refer you to some men that can help your brother out. They will prolly bring him to a meeting and talk to him try to persuade him to get help, share their experiences. As an addict/alcoholic who was in denial about my disease for a good part of my short life, treatment was the answer for me, but not a 30 day program. I would suggest a 60 day or longer program, therefore he can get a taste of what sobriety is. Life sounds hard an stressful for him right now, therefore he wants to numb the pain, he doesn't know that there are people out there who want to help him with his struggles in a sober manner. That's my suggestion, I hope that helps. I have another suggestion but it's kind of a rough one, and he will be away for awhile, it's what my family did to me to get clean, but i had a choice to go to rehab or go straight to jail. I chose rehab, but i'm looking at some jail time too. try what i mentioned first. Hope everything works out for you. God Bless.

Re: We're just beginning to realize...

Unread postPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 9:16 pm
by MandyCane
Hello Ryan's sister,
Have you tried speaking with you family physician for resources in your area? Just a thought. Also, not sure if you are familiar with the show intervention on A&E. They have places listed on their site as well. I hope that you get your brother back one day soon. Please keep us posted.