Again I lose

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Again I lose

Unread postby MandyCane » Fri Sep 26, 2008 7:53 pm

Here I am again. Coming second best to my husband using drugs. We separated about a month ago because I was sick of losing the battle to his drug use. I have tried all I can to make things better and last night he would not go to the counseling appointment he asked me to make. Why you ask...... he was so high I don't know if he could even see me. He has a new decision about our marriage everyday and I mean everyday. I have to move on, but I feel so bad. I feel like as a wife I still should have done more, but I think that I have done all I can. I know that he will always leave me to go use drugs. He will always make people he uses drugs with more important than me and I can't understand why? I'm not perfect, but I'm not that bad. He does not even acknowledge what he has done to me and blames everything on me. He freaks out and puts holes in my walls and still I am stupid enough to miss him and to still want him in my life. I don't know why I allow him to do that. I don't know why I am so sad. I really have nothing to miss that is good anymore. I guess I just miss the good times and how I know he can be. I just wish he knew the potential he has. I wish he would go to the counselor and get the help he needs. I wish he would help himself. I wish I knew the right words to say to him.
MandyCane
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Re: Again I lose

Unread postby Guest » Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:37 am

We all have the same wishes, but they don't. You've done more than enough because there's really nothing to do... It's his life, his choice, his decision. Go on with your life and don't let him hurt you more than he already did.
Guest
 

Re: Again I lose

Unread postby guestteague » Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:03 pm

MandyCane wrote:Here I am again. Coming second best to my husband using drugs. We separated about a month ago because I was sick of losing the battle to his drug use. I have tried all I can to make things better and last night he would not go to the counseling appointment he asked me to make. Why you ask...... he was so high I don't know if he could even see me. He has a new decision about our marriage everyday and I mean everyday. I have to move on, but I feel so bad. I feel like as a wife I still should have done more, but I think that I have done all I can. I know that he will always leave me to go use drugs. He will always make people he uses drugs with more important than me and I can't understand why? I'm not perfect, but I'm not that bad. He does not even acknowledge what he has done to me and blames everything on me. He freaks out and puts holes in my walls and still I am stupid enough to miss him and to still want him in my life. I don't know why I allow him to do that. I don't know why I am so sad. I really have nothing to miss that is good anymore. I guess I just miss the good times and how I know he can be. I just wish he knew the potential he has. I wish he would go to the counselor and get the help he needs. I wish he would help himself. I wish I knew the right words to say to him.


the sad thing that you have to come to terms with..is that there are no right words to say to help him
you can talk until you are blue in the face and from the pain in your words you probably have numerous times.
You are right...he has placed drugs above you...and even when he wants you to be above those drugs in his lucid moments...
the drugs eventually put themselves right back on top again ya know?

Maybe the counseling sessions he has asked for ...for the both of you... could just be for you? I mean the next time
you make an appointment and he won't go...YOU go and you work out your own pains with someone you can talk to

you deserve a sympathetic ear even if he doesn't want one. Just please try to remember that being a "bad" person isn't part of this...you aren't
a bad person nor are you a bad wife for questioning your marriage and quite frankly wishing it was over

it sounds like you are just trying to survive this relationship hon...I hope you are able to find help for yourself so that you can gain the strength to make the right
decision for YOU!
guestteague
 

Re: Again I lose

Unread postby sueb » Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:42 pm

dear again i lose,
I have been thru the same exact thing only with alcohol. my husband of 3 yrs (been together a total of 7) has put me last for 7 yrs. for the longest time, i felt like there had to be something wrong with me for the bar to "win" against me all the time. got to the point where i was humiliated to even go anywhere, afraid of what i may hear from "bar people" about what he's up to. I felt so low, still do sometimes, felt like i was not young enough, fun enough, attractive enough, or exciting enough. always looked at myself like there must be something wrong with me if he picks the bar over me and our relationship. i've cried, screamed, threw things, swung at him, physically threw him out of the house, put all his stuff in the trash, etc. he always came back. and the weird thing is, when he was first gone, i'd be so devastated, feel so alone w/out him, and then after a few wks started feeling like myself again, the real "myself" w/o all the self esteem/insecurities i felt when he was around. would feel really good, and guess what...he'd show back up and tell me "he gets it now", and how could he be so stupid to abandon me. i take him back, praying that this may be "the real one", and inevitably the crap all starts again, sometimes in a few days, sometimes it takes a few months. but it always happens again...he pulls a no-show, won't answer his phone when i call, and it starts the cycle all over again, except this time i'm even more furious (if that's at all possible) then the last, knowing i should have never let him back in. the lies, the wallowing in self pity (him and me both), the feeling that i'm fighting a losing battle, and the worst....the humiliation of taking him back and making excuses for him to my family and friends (the ones that will still speak to me that is).
something clicked in me this time...and i hope and pray it happens to you too my friend...i looked at him completely different this time. i realized he was looking for a reason the be the 'victim', so he'd have a reason to go to the bar all night. and i argued with him and told him "there honey, i just gave you a reason (excuse) to go out all night and drink. i'm the bad old wife and you need to go drink. so go drink. and he did. and i realized and i told him that i thought i had a problem with him being an alcoholic, but that was wrong. I, ME, MYSELF, had a problem with being THE WIFE of one. and i realized i do not have to be. he makes his choices, i make mine. I pray that you get some peace, i know the agony, and it IS agony, you are in. please keep in mind that you can make choices for your own self just like he can. I chose not to be THE WIFE of a drunk. i love him, and miss him so much it rips my heart out everyday, but this is so much easier than feeling all the crap i felt when he was around. I hope it happens to you too:) please remember that you are just as important as he is, and that YOU have a say in the way your life goes.
sueb
 

Re: Again I lose

Unread postby MandyCane » Sat Nov 08, 2008 9:02 pm

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who read my post and shared their story. I actually have good news to report. My husband has finally made the first steps to get back on track. He has been clean for a month and is going to counseling. Found a new job and got rid of the people in his life that put him off track. I hope for him it works out and I hope for everyone who has to go through a situation like this that it works out in the end for them. I know how much it hurts. Thanks again.
MandyCane
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Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2008 10:02 pm


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