by sueb » Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:42 pm
dear again i lose,
I have been thru the same exact thing only with alcohol. my husband of 3 yrs (been together a total of 7) has put me last for 7 yrs. for the longest time, i felt like there had to be something wrong with me for the bar to "win" against me all the time. got to the point where i was humiliated to even go anywhere, afraid of what i may hear from "bar people" about what he's up to. I felt so low, still do sometimes, felt like i was not young enough, fun enough, attractive enough, or exciting enough. always looked at myself like there must be something wrong with me if he picks the bar over me and our relationship. i've cried, screamed, threw things, swung at him, physically threw him out of the house, put all his stuff in the trash, etc. he always came back. and the weird thing is, when he was first gone, i'd be so devastated, feel so alone w/out him, and then after a few wks started feeling like myself again, the real "myself" w/o all the self esteem/insecurities i felt when he was around. would feel really good, and guess what...he'd show back up and tell me "he gets it now", and how could he be so stupid to abandon me. i take him back, praying that this may be "the real one", and inevitably the crap all starts again, sometimes in a few days, sometimes it takes a few months. but it always happens again...he pulls a no-show, won't answer his phone when i call, and it starts the cycle all over again, except this time i'm even more furious (if that's at all possible) then the last, knowing i should have never let him back in. the lies, the wallowing in self pity (him and me both), the feeling that i'm fighting a losing battle, and the worst....the humiliation of taking him back and making excuses for him to my family and friends (the ones that will still speak to me that is).
something clicked in me this time...and i hope and pray it happens to you too my friend...i looked at him completely different this time. i realized he was looking for a reason the be the 'victim', so he'd have a reason to go to the bar all night. and i argued with him and told him "there honey, i just gave you a reason (excuse) to go out all night and drink. i'm the bad old wife and you need to go drink. so go drink. and he did. and i realized and i told him that i thought i had a problem with him being an alcoholic, but that was wrong. I, ME, MYSELF, had a problem with being THE WIFE of one. and i realized i do not have to be. he makes his choices, i make mine. I pray that you get some peace, i know the agony, and it IS agony, you are in. please keep in mind that you can make choices for your own self just like he can. I chose not to be THE WIFE of a drunk. i love him, and miss him so much it rips my heart out everyday, but this is so much easier than feeling all the crap i felt when he was around. I hope it happens to you too:) please remember that you are just as important as he is, and that YOU have a say in the way your life goes.