by crystal » Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:18 pm
One would think at thirty-six, that life would be figured out and running smoothly with my plans. Sadly, that has not been the case for me. Found myself completely out of control last night, and have spent all day pondering the life choices that I have been making. What makes this even more frustrating to me is that I know better. Ten years ago, I had a small stint with AA, so I know how much smoother life runs for me when I admit that I have a problem and abstain all together. I have not drank that entire ten years completely away, I did abstain for a while when my little one was younger, but as she becomes more and more independent, I find myself turning back to the bottle. At an alarming pace, and it is time to get my crap together. I should not have to spend the day wondering what I did last night, how I behaved, what people may think of me.
I've made it through the day pretty well, and that is with alcohol in the house right now. I should probably really go dump it while my resolve is high.
Of course the sour stomach isn't hurting the resolve at all. If anything it's building it. The human body is just not meant to take that kind of abuse.
My kid deserves a better parent. Because of my drinking, I am over indulgent with her to try to compensate for my shortcomings. This is not helping her, or me.
I am bankrupting myself to fund my drinking. This is also unacceptable. I work two jobs and own my own business, there is no reason I should ever be broke. It is just truly not in our budget for me to drink.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I know that perhaps someone out there will read this and say, OMG, this sounds like me and will seek out the plan of treatment that works best for them.