First things first, yes, meetings are 1 hour 98% of the time; 1.5% are 1.5 hours, and the remaining 0.5% are 2 hours long. These are not set-in-stone; they are merely approximations based on my seven years of attending meetings.
Secondly, I wanted to thank you for what you wrote. "Spilling" all that stuff is sometimes the most difficult part of coming to terms with addiction... I know that it was for me. I should mention that I'm not years into recovery anymore; I was, once, but now I am back in with twelve days.
Let me tell you this, though - 2 days or 2 years, it doesn't matter one lick - we're all one step away from that first drug, and all we each have is today. Please remember this.
You wrote:
"I really need to get a job in that field so that i can make a lot more money to take care of my family and myself a lot better. So that i can get a house for us and we can move out of my parents, so that i can pay all my bills on time and so that i can get out of debt. I hate how my mind controls every single action i make."
...and I just want to make a comment - take or leave what I say as you will
In AA's "Big Book" there is a section which speaks of life as though it were a play; this "play," a metaphor for life itself, must have both an actor and a director. Most recovering addicts (myself SO included!) that I have met have, at one point, played the futile game of attempting to be both the Director and the Actor within their own lives. But within the metaphor, the Director cannot communicate his wishes to the Actor properly, and the Actor wishes to go about his acting without the intrusiveness of the Director's commentary. Each is perpetually at odds with the other.
[Back to reality]
So, too, are you at odds with yourself. The language you use is very self-deprecating; you put yourself down far too much!
My earnest suggestion, based on my past success with sobriety, is to give up control over all of the things you feel you need to do for yourself and your family. With sobriety, all of these things will simply come about. I was at a meeting tonight, and the topic was 'faith.' Not necessarily faith in a higher power, or religion, but faith that I "...can live in a Universe that makes sense." This was taken from page 51 of As Bill Sees It. I suggest picking up a copy, and/or a copy of the wonderful book Daily Reflections. Both shed new light on the underlying problem in your life - a new topic each day to think about (and possibly apply to your life). But the bottom line is that you are trying your damndest, like the majority of us so frequently do, to both act in and direct the play that is your life. You cannot do both, and you must have faith that a power greater than yourself will Direct your play with aptitude and grace. Things will not always work out the way you want them to, but they work out.
And, bottom line, in the end, that's truly all that matters.
Please feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns, or simply reply in this thread. I'd love to talk more - I know from reading your words that you want this, very likely as much as I do (it should be revealed that my drugs of choice were any and all opiates/opioids, and so I commiserate with the sheer frustration of relapse and giving into temptation).
I wish you all the best; these forums are here to support you, as are all of its members. Myself included.
Much love,
~ Vaya