questions about meetings

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questions about meetings

Unread postby todd7647 » Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:31 am

could anybody tell me how long meetings usually are? i would like to go to some 10:30 am meetings but i have work at 11. i might be able to show up a few minutes late, but i dont want to leave the meeting early if they are longer than 30 minutes
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Re: questions about meetings

Unread postby todd7647 » Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:19 am

i also want to take a minute or two to say that i am in need of help. i'm very embarassed to let my family know i have a problem. my fiance also has a problem and its so hard to stay clean when you are with somebody who has the same problem as you. some times we'll both be clean for a week or so and i'll want to stay clean and she'll ask me if i want to get percs and i'm so weak that i always give in and vice versa. i'm ashamed to say this, but i have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and i have been off and on with this addiction for her whole life. i jus graduated from a truck-driving school and passed the test for my Class-A CDL (Commercial Driver's Lisense). I need to take and pass a drug test to be employed anywhere. I really need to get a job in that field so that i can make a lot more money to take care of my family and myself a lot better. So that i can get a house for us and we can move out of my parents, so that i can pay all my bills on time and so that i can get out of debt. I hate how my mind controls every single action i make. For instance, last night my daughter woke up screaming and crying at 4 am because of a bad dream and after my fiance and i calmed her down and got her back to sleep, i laid down and i thought about getting high. its ridiculous. i get woken up at 4 am and the first and last thoughts i had were about getting high. i kno that some times wen im coming off my high or when i cant get my drug that i will yell at my daughter and fiance over something stupid. my fiance and i fight about drugs a lot. whether its about 1 of us getting them without telling the other one or 1 of us getting them and saying something to the other person when the other person doesnt want to hear anything about it. its a lose/lose situation and my credit report has been affected by my addiction badly. it seems that im always behind on bills and i'll choose getting percs instead of paying bills and just keep on pushing off the bills til its finally late. christmas is only 5 weeks away and i need to be clean from this point on til the day i die. i can NOT keep on living this way. I hate myself and the way my life is going atleast a few times a week. My fiance says shes hate her life every other day and I tried doing this on my own and it took me about 2 1/2 years to finally decide that i can't do this alone and i need to start going to meetings. i read somebody's post about keeping a journal which interests me and i think i am going to do that. As i said earlier, my parents dont know about this, they do suspect something because of my money struggles, but i do NOT want them aware of this situation. I kno that i should go and it would probably be best for me to go to rehab, but i cant put my parents through that and i cant jus take off work for months because my daughter wouldnt have her main provider. The job i currently work at also is a problem and contributes to my problem and honestly, i feel if i stopped working there that i wouldnt have nearly as much temptation if i had any at all. in fact, the 4 days i work (sunday thru wednesday) are the only days i get high. Thursday, Friday and Saturday I take suboxens and every Sunday, if not during work then after work, my fiance and i get percs and we use pretty much the same excuse every week and that excuse is that we just worked 10-11 hours and we deserve to kick back and relax and get high. Obviously, that is not true and it sets me up for failure week after week after week. I dont kno why i cant stay clean 100% of the time because i take subs every Thursday thru Saturday. its just very frustrating. I'm sorry for rambling on and on, but it did feel good to get this off my chest. If anyone has suggestions on how i could get better without going and checking into a rehab facility i would appreciate it. I am going to start going to meetings and am actually very surprised as to how many places there are all around my neighborhood and that i had no idea about the meetings. one last thing i want to say, i pray to god whenever i am trying to get clean and feel that i cant do it alone and i end up praying about every 2-3 days wen i really want/need to get clean. He always helps me too, by having none of my dealers answer or have any or whatever and i jus keep on trying and trying and trying for hours on end until i finally get the percs, even tho i have subs on me. I have realized that god helps me so much and he wants me to succeed, but he cant do everything for me. he does everything he can and i take him for granted and i fail time and again. i feel that god will give up on me if i keep on asking him for his help and then when he gives me his help i dont take it. Well it's time for me to take charge and make decisions for myself and to steer clear of the drugs. I'm going to stop doing drugs and start my truck-driving career and the best part about that is that trucks dont have rear-view mirrors so that i wont look into the past and i can only look out the front windshield and into the future. Again, i am sorry for typing so much and for wasting your time, but it felt really good getting this off my chest. Thank you all and i hope each and everyone of u succeed in every aspect of life and for those who have been clean, keep on keepin' on. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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Re: questions about meetings

Unread postby twingirls215 » Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:10 am

Hey Todd,

All the meetings I have ever been to are an hour and some 1 1/2 hours.So plan your time around that. :D
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Re: questions about meetings

Unread postby abclimo » Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:41 am

Todd: Good post and please don't think that you are wasting our time by having to read your post. You are right about it being much more difficult to get clean/sober when both people in a relationship are using, unless you both want to get clean at the same time, then it's a little easier, because you can cheer each other on. You have a very important reason to get and stay clean, a daughter, and that should be your inspiration. You will need to pass a urine screen and be able to continue to pass the urine screens to get and keep employment. Your "logical" brain is telling you that you need to get clean and stay clean so you can take better care of your family and provide for them. Your "addiction" tells you that you should be able to kick back because you worked extra hours and that you deserve it. It's funny, when it's put like that, I can see the devil and angel warring within each of us and I know I have had this war more than once. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have the disease of addiction. Someone with cancer shouldn't be ashamed and neither can we. Since you don't feel that inpatient rehab is an option for you, how about outpatient rehab? They will help you figure out what is going on an why you "need" to get high to deal with things. If that doesn't work, you definitely need to find some meetings. If the first meeting you go to doesn't give you the warm fuzzies, please go to another. When you get there, listen to what is being said and share honestly on where you are at. Make friends at the meetings and get phone lists to use BEFORE you use. Eventually find someone there who can be your sponsor. Your sponsor needs to be someone you are comfortable talking to and being honest with. Honesty is hugely important in the recovery process. There is a very important difference between just being clean and not using and actually being in recovery. Recovery is what helps us heal and move on in our lives and moving on takes time. I love the analogy of not having rear view mirrors to look at the past and only being able to see the future. In some ways that is good, but not in others. We can learn from our mistakes, like what triggers us to use, what we are feeling right before we use, etc., all of that is very important. If you don't deal with those issues, you won't be able to move on in recovery. Praying to your higher power, however you view him or her, is very important also. It's important that you shared all you did here, because it helped you and we're all here to help each other. We can do together what we cannot do separately. You are starting a very important journey, if your roadway is bumpy, just take it a little slower, but keep going. You can do this and you need to keep reminding yourself that you can do this. Prayers for you and your journey.
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Re: questions about meetings

Unread postby Vaya » Fri Nov 18, 2011 12:30 am

First things first, yes, meetings are 1 hour 98% of the time; 1.5% are 1.5 hours, and the remaining 0.5% are 2 hours long. These are not set-in-stone; they are merely approximations based on my seven years of attending meetings.

Secondly, I wanted to thank you for what you wrote. "Spilling" all that stuff is sometimes the most difficult part of coming to terms with addiction... I know that it was for me. I should mention that I'm not years into recovery anymore; I was, once, but now I am back in with twelve days.

Let me tell you this, though - 2 days or 2 years, it doesn't matter one lick - we're all one step away from that first drug, and all we each have is today. Please remember this.

You wrote:
"I really need to get a job in that field so that i can make a lot more money to take care of my family and myself a lot better. So that i can get a house for us and we can move out of my parents, so that i can pay all my bills on time and so that i can get out of debt. I hate how my mind controls every single action i make."

...and I just want to make a comment - take or leave what I say as you will :D

In AA's "Big Book" there is a section which speaks of life as though it were a play; this "play," a metaphor for life itself, must have both an actor and a director. Most recovering addicts (myself SO included!) that I have met have, at one point, played the futile game of attempting to be both the Director and the Actor within their own lives. But within the metaphor, the Director cannot communicate his wishes to the Actor properly, and the Actor wishes to go about his acting without the intrusiveness of the Director's commentary. Each is perpetually at odds with the other.
[Back to reality]
So, too, are you at odds with yourself. The language you use is very self-deprecating; you put yourself down far too much!

My earnest suggestion, based on my past success with sobriety, is to give up control over all of the things you feel you need to do for yourself and your family. With sobriety, all of these things will simply come about. I was at a meeting tonight, and the topic was 'faith.' Not necessarily faith in a higher power, or religion, but faith that I "...can live in a Universe that makes sense." This was taken from page 51 of As Bill Sees It. I suggest picking up a copy, and/or a copy of the wonderful book Daily Reflections. Both shed new light on the underlying problem in your life - a new topic each day to think about (and possibly apply to your life). But the bottom line is that you are trying your damndest, like the majority of us so frequently do, to both act in and direct the play that is your life. You cannot do both, and you must have faith that a power greater than yourself will Direct your play with aptitude and grace. Things will not always work out the way you want them to, but they work out.

And, bottom line, in the end, that's truly all that matters.

Please feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns, or simply reply in this thread. I'd love to talk more - I know from reading your words that you want this, very likely as much as I do (it should be revealed that my drugs of choice were any and all opiates/opioids, and so I commiserate with the sheer frustration of relapse and giving into temptation).

I wish you all the best; these forums are here to support you, as are all of its members. Myself included. :D

Much love,
~ Vaya
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Re: questions about meetings

Unread postby robertoZ » Fri Nov 18, 2011 12:42 pm

If you go to a meeting and say to the group what you wrote here you'll get much more support. Not that there isn't support here, but at a meeting it's different. People there will go out of their way to help you. They *will* show you how to stay clean and sober, one day at a time, for as long as you like. Guaranteed. Good luck to you and your family.
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Re: questions about meetings

Unread postby todd7647 » Sun Nov 20, 2011 10:48 pm

Thank you everybody, sorry i haven't replied earlier but my computer was messed up. Reading those made me feel a lot better. Sunday is always my hardest day and i went all day with out thinking about percs up until 10 minutes left to go in work. I have been fighting myself for the past hour now between using and not using. But, reading those comments have made me feel a lot better and i appreciate everything you all have said. I chickened out of going to a meeting on Friday. I am nervous about going and I was going to go with my fiance and she fell asleep about 45 mins before the meeting and I didn't want to wake her and I just made a bunch of excuses to not go. The simple fact is that I'm nervous. I'm nervous about seeing people there that I kno and that I don't want knowing about my problem. I'm nervous about not knowing how the meetings work. Actually, I'd say I'm probably more ashamed than nervous and I feel like (I know that NOT ONE of you will like this one bit) it would be showing weakness and I always need to show no weakness. I only feel that because I just feel that if I can't do it by myself then I'm too weak and if I go and look for help than I am weak for not trying harder and doing it by myself. I'm not trying to imply anyone who goes is weak or anything like that because I DO want to go, but I jus need to get over the speed bump of nervousness. I do know that it actually takes a stronger person to go to those meetings and share and talk about everything you have been through, but for some reason the "being weak" part is just in my brain. Talking on here has actually made me feel a lot better each time I have came on, especially when I jus saw all the replies of encouragement and the positive outlooks. Thank you very much every one of you. Today is day 3, I'm trying to take it one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow and it has worked thus far. I am very appreciative of all of you helping me along the way. Noone of you may know this, but if I had went to wawa before looking on here, then I may have relapsed. But, signing on here may have just helped me get over that little speed bump and gave me the boost of confidence I needed. I would like to hear any one of your stories as well and you can PM me any time. Thanks for the support and I will post updates. Have a GREAT NIGHT. I know that I WILL NOW!! :D :D
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