two days clean almost out of hope

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two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby jasontorinn » Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:50 pm

hello, i am a dad and husband. i had 7 years clean and got cocky. i took a perk for an injury. i knew better.. i damn well knew! i have been useing for the past year. i have managed to burn my entire life and all those in it. i lost my loved ones trust lost my buissness dropped out of college and worst of all each day i dread waking up. i have done all the things i knew were wrong. i have lied stolen and worse. i have finaly hit my bottom. my wife and kids have been through to much. i have always put my recovery before anything else and now i have nothing to put first or last. i am an empty shell of who i might have been. i am two days clean cold turkey and i am in so much pain emotionaly and physicly. i am holding on to the memory of who i might become again. the shame of this last year weighs on me and tries to drag me down every moment of every day. i miss meetings so much but i am to ashamed to ask for there help. i know its the exactly the wwrong thing to do but i cant even look at myself nevermind anyone else. i am taking it a moment at a time and holding on to the hope i will wake up not sick someday. jason
jasontorinn
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby jasontorinn » Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:25 am

hello, i made it through another day. i am now three days clean. for some wonderful reason i feel alot better today. not well by far but better. if i made it this far before it was another agonizing day. i am still fearful of the day but i feel alittlel better now. i dont have anyone to talk to about this as my wife is not an addict. she does nothing, but my marriage is in the dumper. i dont know if it will be fixed when i am clean and not withdrawing but i cant worry about that now. i have to focus on just not useing today.. this moment. i hope you all feel better today at least just a little. i am 34 and dont want to be this way till i die so here goes another day. with hope, jason
jasontorinn
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby justsomeone » Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:45 am

Hang in their, you'll get through this. You really need to start going to meetings again, even if you don't tell anyone that that is where you are going. I am sure that there is someone out there who cares for you and they just don't know what you're going through but if you tell them, they'll do everything they can to help you.
justsomeone
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby downupdown2 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 3:35 pm

Hi. Wanna chat on aim or something? I am feeling exactly the same.
downupdown2
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby jasontorinn » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:22 pm

sure, how do i get ahold of you?
jasontorinn
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby arnie153 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 4:16 pm

jasontorinn wrote:hello, i am a dad and husband. i had 7 years clean and got cocky. i took a perk for an injury. i knew better.. i damn well knew! i have been useing for the past year. i have managed to burn my entire life and all those in it. i lost my loved ones trust lost my buissness dropped out of college and worst of all each day i dread waking up. i have done all the things i knew were wrong. i have lied stolen and worse. i have finaly hit my bottom. my wife and kids have been through to much. i have always put my recovery before anything else and now i have nothing to put first or last. i am an empty shell of who i might have been. i am two days clean cold turkey and i am in so much pain emotionaly and physicly. i am holding on to the memory of who i might become again. the shame of this last year weighs on me and tries to drag me down every moment of every day. i miss meetings so much but i am to ashamed to ask for there help. i know its the exactly the wwrong thing to do but i cant even look at myself nevermind anyone else. i am taking it a moment at a time and holding on to the hope i will wake up not sick someday. jason
arnie153
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby maureen » Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:21 am

Never knew how much the power of saying 'one day at a time' means. Right now I am also saying one moment at a time. This is some tough shit to bear, but I can't imagine it always being like this. Then again it's been 3 years of addiction struggles...
maureen
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby jasontorinn » Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:52 am

i woke up today a little better than yesterday. i woke up before everyone else and watched the sunrise. man i wouldnt have thought of that in a million years still using. i am six days in and am not a hundred percent but better, and better is ok today. i am still very nervous i will wake up and i will be sick again. hopefully the day goes easy. with hope, jason
jasontorinn
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby Kellz15 » Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:30 pm

I'm 10 days clean and I was sick with diahrea for days and working at the same time...pure hell...My anxiety was off the charts yesterday and i literally smashed my head into a wall in front of my boyfriend, had a glass of wine and felt much better..not saying put your head through a wall but I understand whats going on..if i didn't have those burning stomache gitters i'd be fine! I decided to take this route and feel the pain full strength to discourage me from ever touching the stuff again..working 2 jobs while going through withdrawal is INSANE! Well at least I have work and guess what? I'll have money again!!EVERY DAY DOES GET BETTER!!! even if you put a huge lump on your forhead lol whatever the hell gets you through!! I seriously just wanna go camping i don't even care about drugs...Lets have an NA camping trip :D
Kellz15
 

Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby abclimo » Sat Aug 20, 2011 8:48 am

Kellz15: I saw your post about camping. I know there is an NA picnic coming up on 09/17/2011 at Peace Valley Park. It starts at noon and ends at about 6 p.m. If you can fit them into your schedule try to go to an NA meeting, they are so helpful, the people there know what you have been through and will be supportive of you through the process. Its encouraging when you go to meetings and hear people speak who have been clean long term, some more than 20 years. You made the start, now keep going, you can do this!!!
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Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby Kellamari5 » Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:45 am

NA picnic...interseting...that would be a first for me...I am still clean but def want to get involved with meetings.Crazy I still have diahrea caused by severe anxiety(which I always had) but I'm setting up an appt to see a psychiatrist...I am not a drinker and benzos do not work for me nor does all natural obviously. The stomache gitters are intense and I do not have control over them. I'm beginning to think I have some kind of retarted condition that I simply cannot shake naturally. I'm plowing threw the sickness but I need some professional attention asap!! Thank you for your words of encouragment :) Even though I'm in pain I can confidently say I will stay clean for the rest of my life. Its obviously not the solution to my condition..not sure what is but I don't think slamming my head into a wall is either although its temporarily strangly satisfying..
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Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby abclimo » Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:57 am

Kellamari5: Your diahrrea is irritable bowel, that is diahrrea caused by anxiety/stress. Unfortunately there is not much that can be done about it, other than taking some immodium and trying to avoid anxiety/stress (ha, like our lives aren't stressful enough). Definitely make that appointment and they may be able to give you something for the anxiety, there are lots of depression medications that they have found work fantastic for anxiety and they are not all real expensive either. You are not retarded, don't be so hard on yourself :D Definitely find some meetings to go to, I have tried about 7 different ones, and have found 3 where I feel really comfortable, and I go to those weekly now. If you are not comfortable sharing at first, just listen to what is being said, you can pick up a lot of information, and when you do feel more comfortable, do share, it will make you feel better and will help you stay clean. You can do this, just take it a day, hour or minute at a time, but you do not have to pick up and use, you are worth staying clean.
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Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby Kellamari5 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 8:26 am

You are 1000% right about the ibs thing. I did go to therapy last night and also got Reiki and a message...Its all stress related. I've always had ibs and my gastro told me I have an overworking digestive system which causes severe discomfort...one word- BENEFIBER! Its amazing what relief a simple supplement can do..I am slowly curing I was freakin myself out cuz it didn't happen over night! I am trying to avoid meds and take the holistic route cuz I've failed every med I've tried anyways...just not for me..I still do want to hit up some NA meetings when possible..In the mean time I'm training myself how to relax
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Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby abclimo » Thu Aug 25, 2011 9:51 am

kellamari5: So happy to hear things are going better for you!!! The holistic route is definitely the best route to take, I'm loving that route myself. Nothing happens overnight and I'm glad you stayed with the fiber thing and really gave it a chance, it's amazing how different you can feel when your not fighting the diahrrea all the time and you are clear headed. You can keep doing this, you are worth it!!!
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Re: two days clean almost out of hope

Unread postby Kellamari5 » Fri Aug 26, 2011 1:49 pm

THANKS :) You are neat! Trust me I'm definitely lovin the messages! Ewwww no more runs yuk! BENEFIBER, my new choice of substance. Its good cuz it helps me go but doesn't make me poop myself. Now that I don't have as much stomache discomfort i need to focus on boosting my energy. I was gonna pay my dr. a visit and get a B12 shot in my ass.I am sleepy....real sleepy, especially between 2pm-6pm
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