My husband is in denial

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My husband is in denial

Unread postby amanda » Fri Nov 05, 2010 9:50 pm

Hi. I dont know where to begin. My husband comes from a family of alcohol addiction. It has always worried me that there would be a chance he could follow. He started to drink more and more in the past 3 yrs or so. He is only 31 yrs old & we have a 14 month old. Tonight is just 1 prime example of how it usually goes. Came home 2 hrs late from work. Said he only had 2 beers, but then decided to down one in the garage. Told me is not drunk and I am just crazy. I could tell he was just from the way he was acting. Stumbling around, slurring words, and just being nasty to me. He finally decided to throw up outside. Then I ask simply, if he was dizzy and then he goes off on me. He hates me and I blah blah. I try not to cry infront of him, but even though I know he doesnt mean it, it still hurts. I dont want my son to grow up watching this. And yes, granted it is not every night. but it still happens.
Thanks for listening.
amanda
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby sbs » Tue Nov 16, 2010 12:02 am

I have been living what you are for the past 26 years of marriage, three children and very alone. Rehab once and lots of verbal abuse. the one thing I should of done is take the children and leave years ago. Now that two of the children are older, they themselves, have said they had wished I had left, and all along i stayed for them. so girlfriend, if he is verbally abusing you and in deniel, RUN, RUN, AND RUN SOME MORE!
sbs
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Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby anyuser » Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:14 pm

Find an Al Anon meeting. You won't be able to change him but you will be able to get to serenity via Al Anon.
anyuser
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby kimmie81499 » Tue Nov 23, 2010 4:53 am

You have just told my story, 5 children, living in fear, not knowing when he was, and if he was coming home without killing anyone, killing himself driving drunk.......Being told I was a bitch, a nag, a pain in the ass...... Being told I was the problem, he didn't have a problem. I can go on forever. I became emotionally, mentally and physically SICK, didn't sleep, couldn't focus, always physically sick...................... In the AA Blue book, there is chapter on wives..... you need to read it, it is like the chapter was written about my life, your life, out life....... You need to get yourself help, find support groups, try co-dependency group, I finally found strength when my teen-age children did not want to come home any more, they didn't want to live in their own home, that is what it came to.......You can not help him until he 1. admits he has a problem, 2. he wants to help himself, so you need to help YOU . I thank GOD today for a different life, he finally realized, hit bottom, and got help, we live a SOBER free life, and now help others. I will pray that it will only get better for you.
kimmie81499
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby esm1965 » Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:27 pm

This is a terrible disease that will progressively become worse, if not treated. Unfortunately, the alcoholic has to want to get sober- It is a life-long struggle. My wife has been drinking heavily for years now (Nine to be exact), and early on, I struggled with what to do. Al-Anon, is a great step in the right direction, but you may need to take other steps as well (i.e. Legal), depending on your specific situation. My wife refuses to get help, although a recent DUI and appearing in court drunk, has forced her to go to rehab. If she is able to stay sober, my children and I can recover from the damage she has caused, and our family would stay intact. But if not, we'll need to move on! If you haven't already asked yourself this question, you may find the answer will help to direct you. Do you love your spouse enough to wait for them to turn around, if at all ? Obviously, if there is any physical abuse seek the help of a lawyer and file a "Protection from Abuse" claim.
esm1965
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby Rainspa » Sun Dec 12, 2010 3:38 pm

Please go to Al-Anon. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.
Rainspa
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby Jen » Thu Dec 23, 2010 12:57 pm

Wow. I knew my husband was an alcoholic, but what I didn't know, is that everyone has almost the same exact story!!! What an eye opener!
All the above comments sound just like my story.
After 3 DUI's total, I've finally limited my husband to ONLY drinking on the weekends. It's the best I could do.
I have two kids, age 11 and 8, and I have no skills or talents, and have always been not very good at work. (I also have no self esteem!) So I've stayed married for 16 years. But it's all starting to wear on me, and my family, and his family, etc..... And I'm just OVER IT by now!
He's a TERRIFIC guy when he's not drinking! Likeable, loveable, caring, a GREAT Dad, strong, smart, etc.....
But the second that Bud bottle touches his lips...it's all gone.
He's very UNlikeable, very mean, rude, tries to be controversial at social gatherings, vengeful, takes jabs at people in general conversation, etc etc etc....
Everyone I know gets physical ANXIETY when they're planning a party, because "what is he gonna do THIS time? What is he gonna say to start trouble? How is he gonna act? Is he gonna ruin my party? Insult my guests?"

Everyone's SOOOOOO tired of it by now, I'm starting to mentally give up and plan for MY future. Alone.
And it WILL BE alone, because I had gone for 2 straight years before I met him, with NO second glance from a man, until I met him. (I was 21.) And ever since, there's been NO second glances from anyone. Not that I've been looking, but it's nice to feel alive and attractive if someone DOES admire you, right?
I'm ugly and have no skills. So yes, I WILL be alone. Especially when my kids grow up.
But being totally alone is WAY more enticing than having the anxiety of social situations like I do now...for the rest of my life. (I'm 39 now.)

I want to try an Alanon group, just so I can vent. But I'm very shy, also, and probably wouldn't say much.
Even so...what is the purpose of Alanon? For family of drinkers to VENT? Or to get the strength to LEAVE?
I don't know.
It's not like it's gonna help HIM any!
Jen
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby cml » Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:58 pm

I can totally relate. I did leave my husband of 15yrs because of his alcoholism and drug abuse. I thought life was going to be wonderful but it's not. I met a man a year ago that swept me off my feet, however, he is also an alcoholic and drug user. I don't know how I get in these situations. And how do I get out again? It took 15yrs for the first one. I can't deal with another 15yrs. I just want some happiness in my life. I want a better life for me and my kids. I would love to go to an Al-non meeting but afraid to go alone.
cml
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby momof2rs » Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:58 pm

This is my first time posting anything about my families problem. I read the first message and felt like I was telling the story myself. I have 3 children 14,12,and 8. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and most of them have been ok. It started about 6 years ago when he got into an accident with my oldest son in his truck. After that there has been a series of events. He is never violent but becomes useless and lies about his drinking. I never let him take my children anywhere in his truck if I think he has been drinking but I find it impossible to trust him. His famous lie is either I haven't had any beer or I only had two. At time I wish I could just live with it and go with the flow but it is getting harder and harder every day. I find myself looking all over the house for beers that he tries to hide. I feel like I am going crazy trying to control the situation. I don't know if any of this is helping you but when I read your post I felt a connection to what you had to say finally I didn't feel alone. I hate that my children know that their dad drinks and lies and now they can't look up to him. My husband is a great guy when he is sober but those times are few and far between. My life has become more complicated because of his addiction I am left to pay the bills and take care of the children. The only positive thing he can do is go to work every day. After that is when he becomes useless. I haven't figured out how to cope with all of this yet and I'm hoping this is a place to start.
momof2rs
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby mary ellen » Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:25 pm

cml wrote:I can totally relate. I did leave my husband of 15yrs because of his alcoholism and drug abuse. I thought life was going to be wonderful but it's not. I met a man a year ago that swept me off my feet, however, he is also an alcoholic and drug user. I don't know how I get in these situations. And how do I get out again? It took 15yrs for the first one. I can't deal with another 15yrs. I just want some happiness in my life. I want a better life for me and my kids. I would love to go to an Al-non meeting but afraid to go alone.
mary ellen
 

Re: My husband is in denial

Unread postby Pam0207 » Wed Feb 09, 2011 6:03 pm

This is my first time writing about my relationship with an alcoholic. Although we are not married (I was smart enough not to marry him even when being asked 1,000 times) we have lived together for four years. I work in a drug and alcohol counseling center so I know better then to stay with someone with an addiction problem. I have the same story as everyone else. When he is not drinking he is great. The problem is that he is now always drinking. I am called very vulgar names. My children and I come home from work and school and don't know what is going to happen. I am 45 years old and had a heart attack over a year ago. He gets drunk talks about how he is going to one day die of a heart attack and never cares about what I am going through. I went from loving him to caring about him. He was my best friend but now I don't even consider him a friend. When he was drunk about 3 years ago he shot his mouth off and said he sexually assaulted his daughter in the past (whom by the way was clinically diagnosed with selective mutism disease (this is a social anxiety which she does not speak to anyone). His ex wife backs him up and says nothing ever happened to the little girl (at the time was 4 years old when he said this). Why would anyone say such a thing when they are drunk? He denies ever saying it although you could hook me up to a lie detector test and I would pass. He is very mean and blames everyone for his problems and drinking. He had an affair with a woman on welfare for two years behind my back who still harrasses me to this day. I can't believe I ever put up with someone like him. I don't think I would even bother ever dating again because of my fear of getting involved with someone with addiction. I am sorry if I am venting. I have been so frustrated and feeling my life is not in my control living with this horrible man. I just want to get sick.
Pam0207
 


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