Addiction is the Devil

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Addiction is the Devil

Unread postby Reiki » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:51 pm

My boyfriend of four years is an addict, I can't even call him an addict to one type of drug because he'll take whatever he can get whenever he can get it. About 6 months ago I kicked him out and he decided to go to rehab- thankfully he stayed the entire program and started off doing really well. After a few weeks it was a shot at the bar, few more weeks one beer at camping, after that pills, coke, more pills, crack, and from what I'm told now snorting heroin. He's admitted to some but probably less than half his drug use. I have been finding "stuff" all around the house, and we have three kids. I've turned into a salker trying to keep an eye on what he's doing. He does well for weeks, and the screws up- but always lies until I confront him with a drug test. He confronted him again and told him if he doesn't get help he's out. He always cries and tells me how hard he's trying and how bad he wants to stop, but in 6 months there have been at least 10 incidents. He always says "progress not perfection" I knew getting over his addiction would not be easy, but I can't do it anymore. He always says exactly what I want to hear so I keep taking him back. Our kids have been through so much. He promised me he'd go for to IOP but when I checked the phone records he never called them. I threw him out again this week, and I'm stuggling on how to change my behavior so I don't take him back. I love him so much, but he's not himself and he's hurt us all so much. I feel like I'm just enabling him bc I take care of everything, give him a place to stay and got him a cell phone for X-mas within three days he was calling dealers, I took the cell phone back. This last time he told me he threw the crackpipe out driving down the street and then I found one in the dresser drawer. I've never done a drug in my life, and have no clue how this happened to us. I don't think he was using for the first two years, but now he's into such hardcore sh*t I wonder if I was just blind then. I don't usually cosider myself a weak person, but he's such a good manipulator he always seems to get back into our lives. I got a PFA to get him out of the house- and while he's abiding by it, I 'm dying inside. I don't want to throw him out of my life, but I feel like I have to for my kids, me, and his own good. How do you stay strong when all your hope has been taken away???
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Re: Addiction is the Devil

Unread postby guest » Wed Jan 05, 2011 8:07 am

Dear Reiki,

All your hope has not been taken away. The lessons we have to learn living with an addict are hard ones, but possible. You know what you need to do, then you do it, but then so often you end up taking it back. It's what we all do until we finally stick to what we know. Your addict only has a chance of getting better when you finally say "I can't do this anymore". The lesson Alanon teaches is "Let it begin with me". When you truly ask yourself "Is this what I really want for myself and children?" then it makes it much easier to make the changes you need to make. But that's where there is hope.

I say this to you as someone who went through the same thing, but have lived with sobriety now for a while with my loved one.

Get all the support you can from people who have lived it. That's where there is hope because they share their experience, strength and hope.

Hang in there,

Just another believer

Re: Addiction is the Devil

Unread postby Guest » Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:44 pm

It's never easy to deal with this. I've been through it too, but children were not involved. And I did the same thing - I kicked him out, then took him back, again and again. It's frustrating to feel powerless despite anything you say or do! I truly believed that I loved him so much I couldn't live without him, that I needed him in my life. It wasn't until he actually left me that I realized the universe was not going to collapse on itself.

Between his using and his lying, it sounds like your relationship has become non-functional. You can't spend your life searching through his things, wondering if he's telling you the truth -- you'll be exhausted! You couldn't be his babysitter even if you wanted to. (Take it from a girl who hid her brother's car keys after his first DUI - babysitting doesn't work, and he'll just resent you for treating him like a child.) As much as it hurts, you're not helping him or your family by keeping him in your life like this. He needs a rehab program that works for him, and he needs one-on-one therapy with professionals. Most importantly, he needs to WANT to put this behind him. And once he gets clean, he needs to realize that he can't touch substances at all, no matter how benign one shot of whiskey may seem.

I know it's difficult to believe that he's trying hard, but he honestly probably is; he just doesn't know how to do it. But the sad truth is, your family can't thrive like this, and something has to change. If he can't change his addiction, you may have to change your relationship.

Stay strong. Have faith. I'll be thinking of you.

Re: Addiction is the Devil

Unread postby Hope327 » Mon Jan 17, 2011 12:41 pm

I too, am in a situation much like yours. I am trying to figure out how to let go, because I have to tell you it is DRAINING!!! I am beginning to think living like this is making me crazy. I don't sleep, I can't eat, and I question everything any more. All, I can say is look out for your children & yourself.
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