Deciding to help or move on..

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Deciding to help or move on..

Unread postby whycont29 » Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:25 am

I've been married for 29yrs and just recently found out that my husband not only was abusing alcohol and drugs but also having a 2yr long affair. When i was informed of the affair, by the other spouse, my husband signed himself into a 7 day rehab. I was hurt and angry and had decided to leave him. Then of course started having second thoughts. Do i just leave alone a person i loved for most of my life(been married since age 16)? Do i save myself? How can i possibly go on living with a person i thought i iknew but has been lying to me for over 2 yrs. In being honest with myself i saw signs of the abuse but delt with it by ignoring it. Suspected something "not right" about his relationship with "that woman". "Was i part of the problem?', I keep asking myself. Do i owe him anything?
Well here we are almost 3 weeks later and I haven't gotten too many answers. He is back in our house, sleeping in another room, he hasn't had a drink or used drugs, we have been going to church and he is currently on anti-depresant meds and going to therapy. But i still have to ask myself, will i ever trust him again? Is this "new person" just temporary? How could he have sex with someone else for 2yrs and still claim to love me??????? Will he stay away from the alcohol & drugs? and if not will i be strong enough to walk away? Our two children are grown and support what ever decision i make. I'm so torn!!! I am going to attend a nar-anon mtg. But, is my issue with the substance abuse or the affair??
Anyone out there go thru similar situation or can give some much needed support/advice?
whycont29
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Re: Deciding to help or move on..

Unread postby snazzy » Thu Feb 03, 2011 8:07 pm

I have bee where you are. It's been about 3 years now and my husband and I are still together and happier than ever. There is no set time frame on how fast or if you can heal your relationship. You just have to take it one day at a time. More than likely his affair came from his addiction. My husband did everything possible to regain my trust. If he was running just 5 minutes late he would call. He let me know where he was every minute of the day and at the end of the week handed his paycheck over to me...mind you I never asked for this. He became totally transparent. This wouldn't have worked had all that been my idea it but was his. I am so glad it has worked out as well as it has. Please don't blame yourself his actions are simply that his action. You both have to decide how badly you want this relationship and you have to be able to forgive him. If you feel like you need to know his every move and are always questioning him you will drive yourself crazy. If he wants you to know everything that is going on in his life, and does it because he has realized what you had together I think it is worth trying. I wish you all the best.
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Re: Deciding to help or move on..

Unread postby whycont29 » Tue Feb 15, 2011 6:41 pm

Snazzy;
Thanks for the encouraging words. Since my post things are moving forward in a positive way. A lot has to do with his willingness to answer my many questions when they arise. He has been going to the therapist and psychologist. We have also been going to church. Basically he is becoming a better man. I need to remind myself -as you said to me- that the things he did were part of his addictions and i'm trying so hard to move forward. I made the statement to him that i needed to fall in love with the "new" him because i had no respect or love for the "old" him. I take one day at a time and seeing him make so much effort does help with the healing.
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Re: Deciding to help or move on..

Unread postby snazzy » Wed Feb 23, 2011 5:02 pm

That is awesome. I am glad to hear that things are going well. It's just one day at a time. Patience and transparency will go a long way. When you are far enough away from all the hurt you will find the little things that use to bother you no longer will and what use to start an argument just doesn't seem so important anymore. I found a new person in my husband and love him more than ever. I wish you both all the best!
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