Help - this is all new to me- husband is using - what to do?

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Help - this is all new to me- husband is using - what to do?

Unread postby sug484 » Thu May 05, 2011 2:04 am

I really need some advice. I have no idea what to do and am really lost.

My new husband has been smoking cocaine (using baking soda and a spoon to cook it first - is this freebasing or crack?). We have a 7 month old child. Do I divorce him or try to make it work? I'm scared and fed up too. He promises to stop, but lies and hides it. I've never even been around marijuana, let alone hard drugs.

I had a baby in September, and my new husband started acting oddly. We dated for 4 months before discovering I was pregnant, moved in together, and then married right before the baby was born. I am 40 and wasn't able to have chldren previously. We were happy, although life was stressful.

When the baby was born in September, his previous drinking escalated so that he got drunk not only on Fridays (which I was not happy about either) but also started getting drunk a couple of times a week. Then he started staying up all night, roaming the house, grinding his jaw, and acting paranoid -hearing noises outside . He would fall asleep at dawn, wake up throwing up, and spend the next two days in bed. When he acted that way, I felt compelled to sleep on the floor in my baby's room. I was exhausted from getting up every 2 hours to feed the baby and no had idea what was going on or what to do. The net said that paranoia was a late stage alcoholic behavior. I am the child of an alcoholic father, but he was functional and never acted paranoid. When I reached out to my family and friends, we all just focused on how to get him to reduce his drinking. He would agree and then get drunk anyway.

This paranoid behavior too escalated until by the time our child was 2 months old, it had gone from the occasional Friday to a few times a week. I actually started tracking it in the log I kept on the baby, just to be sure i wasn't crazy. He started carrying a loaded gun around when he heard the voices, so I took it and hid it, but when he sobered up he would threaten to just go buy another if I didn't put it back. In January, right after I went back to work, i finally cornered him and said - this behavior can't just be drinking. What are you on? He said marijuana laced with PCB. Visions from TV of crazy men high on PCB murdering their families and throwing off several policemen at once went through my mind. I was too scared to call the police (he had the loaded gun again too - but had never threatened us). I shut my baby and I up in his room and waited until he passed out in the AM, and then bolted. Later he admitted that he didn't want to tell me it was cocaine/crack, and thought marijuana laced with PCB would be less frightening.

We found a drug counselor, who listened to both of us with my husband freely admitting to his drug use. The counselor said he was only a user, not an addict, and said he wouldn't even have agreed to another session, except that my husband admitting to having this problem several years earlier also.

My husband stopped drinking and drugging for a month to prove to me that he was not an addict, and then started slowly back with a few beers. He's started staying up all night again, and acting paranoid. I left again last weekend. He keeps promising to stop, but doesn't.

Should I give up and divorce him? I love him and he has a lot of good qualities, but drug use has always been a deal-breaker for me. I feel like I'm slowly comprosmising all of my beliefs, and endangering my child.

Help!
Sorry for the long email. I have no one I can talk to who has experience with drugs and that counselor hurt the situation more than helping.
sug484
 

Re: Help - this is all new to me- husband is using - what to

Unread postby gmasheshe » Thu May 05, 2011 11:13 pm

when i felt like u i started going to alanon meetings. that was four years ago. i now have a life and a purpose in that life. i have learned noone can tell me to leave or stay. u have a young child and i learned in alanon to always have a plan to keep yourself and the child safe. in four years i have handeled things i never dreamed possible. please check into alanon not for your husband but for yourself. good luck. it is a wonderful journey. now easy but well worth it. i just read your post again and i would also suggest calling domestic violance for the safety of you and your child.
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Re: Help - this is all new to me- husband is using - what to

Unread postby Ryan's Sister1 » Sat May 07, 2011 10:13 am

I'm sorry to hear this for you. It's hard. I have a brother (recovering) and a biological mother(never recovered) that are both addicts.
It sounds as though your husband has refound an old habit. I am no expert, but if you are concerned for your safety and more importantly, that of your child then you should consider acting on what you know is unsafe first.
Secondly, there are groups that will help you understand your role in the life of a user. And since you have no history of understanding addiction, then you will also learn a lot about behaviors/ patterns/ what it means to be an enabler, ect... That can help you decide how far you want to go in this relationship.
I wish you well.
Ryan's Sister1
 

Thoughts

Unread postby tattoodnla » Wed May 11, 2011 10:12 pm

Hi, so sorry to hear of your situation. I am in my late 40's with a son who suffers from addiction and is currently in rehab. Please, for your child's sake, I don't want to give advice because I am not sure if it is right for you, but if it were me, I would find a safe place for you and your baby to stay until your baby's father gets the proper rehab/psychological support he needs. Your energy and support should be devoted to your baby as their needs are pure and you want to nurture your child to allow him/her to grow into a child with high self esteem; in other words, you can't allow this family baggage to dictate how your child will turn out. You need to be all in for your child. To try and support a person in your home with addiction issues, is a very difficult task while raising a baby, and although you can provide loving emotional support to someone with an addiction issue, you cannot help them until they are willing to get help and break the habit for good...especially around a baby. Please take care of yourself and your child, because you are not the one using and you and your new family deserve healthy surroundings and happiness. Good advice someone gave you as well to visit narconon meetings. Enabling is not love and living in fear in what should be such a joyful time for a mother is unacceptable. My heart goes out to you and I hope you heed the suggestions of others as well, as there are people that can share and do really care. Good luck and think smart.
tattoodnla
 

Re: Help - this is all new to me- husband is using - what to

Unread postby Jackson317 » Sun May 22, 2011 12:12 pm

I have been with my dear wife for 8 years and she was an addict the whole time. We have a 5 year old together, and she was told she could never have children. He is truly a gift from God. I am 50! Last August she hit rock bottom and got sober and is working her steps. I found I needed to work a program too. Look into Naranon orr Alanon. Take care of yourself first.
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Re: Help - this is all new to me- husband is using - what to

Unread postby joho » Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:34 am

Hey,
I was just recently married and about a year ago just before our marriage I decided to start using pills to replace a drinking habit. To make a long story short, it was one of the worste decisions of my life and lead to a few disasters including the complete mayhem of our financial situation and a close call with my wife threatening to leave with our ten month old daughter whom I love more than life itself. I gotta tell you it was the fact that I thought that was it and that she was really leaving. It was devastating but what was unthinkable was the thought of losing my baby. I think when your caught up in the hell of addiction you need a serious wake up call and unless you are convinced he has made a full commitment to quitting including seeking help from multiple sources and agreeing to listen to you and do whatever it takes to quit you might just need to make the extremely difficult decision to leave and put your child first. Not a gaurontee but this is what got me to totlally commit to recovery and could produce the same result from your husband. If not than you know he is making a terrible decision and not fit to be a father and husband at this time. If somehitng did happen, God forbid, neither one of you could live with yourselves. That child is everything and comes first always. Just do what you know is for the safety of the baby and pray that your husband will follow suit with the right decisions on his end. And don't forget, everything will be allright. Pray and ask God for mercy and wisdom. If you pray in the name of Jesus and confess your sins to Him I promise you will find comfort and strenght through His spirit. Smile and just take it a day at a time.
joho
 

Re: Help - this is all new to me- husband is using - what to

Unread postby lesuaus99 » Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:08 am

Be Strong ! Even when you think that "this is it ... You can't take anymore" You have your baby who needs you to take care of him and keep him safe. I have always been a strong personand able to deal with family problems anmd situations. I went through drug problems with my kids when they were younger and the y got the help that they needed and are nhow productive adults with their own lives. But what I was never aware of was my husband's activities. His using Cocaine briefly and always smoking pot. I was so busy taking care of the kids that his behaviors went unoticed. However, the past 10 yrs has been quite an eye opener for me. When his dad died in 2004 he went into a deep depression and was "in pain" all the time. He began going to the doctor for pain management .The doctor in turn supplied him with Oscycotin to help with his pain. When those didn't do the trick for him he had Somas and Dilaudid . But his drug of choice is Oxys. He recently had a 1 week stay at a rehab facillity . His first time . And only a week. I am having a hard time accepting him only staying a week . Most people I have talked with have had friends or family member s stay longer than a week. Anyway to me that seems like only taking a peek through the door when you really need to open the door all the way (like stay in rehab for a month) and get into a more realisitic place of how and why a person is an addict.
This end to my rambling here is this . Your husband needs to get some REAL help. It is obvious that the "do- it - yourself " method is not working for him. And he needs to stop lying to you and to himself that he is going to quit or get help . My husband got into trouble he crashed into a parked car because he blacked out . He cant even tell anyone what happened.
Thank goodness he didn't hurt anyone. I told him he had to get some help or he couldn't live with us anymore. This is going to be a long journey for me and my youngest. And longer for him. (his whole life now)
Your baby needs both of you but if he can't get his act together then he needs more help than you can give him. Get him in a hospital.
Be strong ,
Take care
LA
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