I need advice please

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I need advice please

Unread postby DesperateMom » Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:55 pm

I am a young mother of three children. Two days ago I removed myself along with our children from our home, because my fiance is (from what I believe) a high functioning alcoholic. He has been to treatment and we continues to deny that he has a problem. His father passed away two years ago from alcoholism and he avoided going to his parents, because he didn't want to deal with any of it. Why would he do this to his own family? He never drinks in front of us, I've caught him a handful of times drinking directly from the bottle(still in a brown paper bag). He hides these said bottles around our yard and I find myself searching for them every other day...always recovering an empty in my search. I love this man with all my heart, I need to know what I can do to help him realize what he is doing to himself and how he is quickly losing control. Thanks so much and I'm looking forward to any and all advice you have to give.
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Re: I need advice please

Unread postby lilbrat » Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:24 pm

You ask for advice, but it seems like you already have all the answers you need. It seems like what you're really looking for is assurance that you're not doing the wrong thing. I understand how it feels when there are children involved. It could be that your fiance is a high functioning alcoholic. I won't say for sure because obviously I don't know anything about the situation, but your children must ALWAYS come first. You can't control those things...your fiance's drinking...that's up to him. Your children don't need to see it. You say he hides it, and he seems to be pretty intelligent so I'm sure he does a good job. Nevertheless, his mood is affected, and he can't hide that. It's easy to hide the substance; the affects are much more difficult.

My advice is stick to your guns: don't listen to him when he SAYS things are changed...if he ever says that. Make him prove it. The burden of proof is on him because he is the one with the issue. Not you, not your kids. If he wasn't drinking you wouldn't catch him...there would be no empty bottles to find in the yard.

People who use substances (and alcohol is just another substance) are very good at hiding things...very good at loopholes, bending reality, being manipulative...we want our way and by god we will find a way to get it. The means ALWAYS justifies the end. So now that you've left just keep in mind that he loves you and wants you back. My advice is make him prove to you things are better before you go back in, because it isn't fair to your emotional health or to your children (or even to your fiance) to go back, find out nothing has changed, move back out, and make that a habitual process. I would also encourage going to Al-Anon meetings...that's a support group for people who live with alcoholics. You're doing the right thing. Go with your heart. Love yourself. Keep your children safe, and don't let guilt guide your actions. You'll be fine, and so will everyone else. Your fiance...whether he will be fine is up to him. You have no control over it at all.
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Re: I need advice please

Unread postby robertoZ » Sun Aug 28, 2011 9:18 pm

Go to Al Anon. In my opinion, you can do very little for him, but you can do for yourself, and have an ethical obligation to do so for your children.
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Re: I need advice please

Unread postby JamieLyne » Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:41 am

I think that what you did was the right thing. I was going through the same problem as you, except for the fact that my fiance was a heroin addict. I went through him like this for years. We do have two little girls together. I myself used to have an addiction problem, but when I got pregnant with my first daughter, I stopped everything and am proud to say that I have been clean for five years :D. But my fiance did not get clean when I did. I left him a bunch of times and finally after the last time, I told him I was going to move to Texas with our girls, and something must have snapped in him head, and he went into rehab for the 8th time, and this time when he came out, he seemed different. I was still in disbelief that he had not changed, but he started doing things that he never did before when he came out of rehab. He was going to meetings, going to his outpatient program, and had stopped talking to his "friends" that he was doing drugs with. I am proud to say that he has been clean now for six months. The longest he has ever been clean from anything since I had met him ten years ago. But I think that in your situation, the most that you can do is leave. I truly believe in my heart that when you are in a situation like that, and the person you are with truly loves loves you, and wants to stop, he will. There is never a wrong answer for a addict to get clean, no matter what anyone tells you. Just stand strong, and things should work out. But if they don't, its not your fault, its just that he cannot help himself. Always remember that.
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Re: I need advice please

Unread postby DesperateMom » Wed Aug 31, 2011 7:57 am

Thank you all for the advice. I know leaving was the right thing to do, but it just hurts so much. I try to stay strong for our kids, but I find myself crying everyday in front of them and our oldest is 8 1/2. Our other two are just 2 and 1., so they can sense my sadness, but have not clue what's going on. I am lucky enough to have the support of his family and my own to help us get thorugh this. I am going to an alanon meeting this Sunday, wish me luck!! Thank you all.
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Re: I need advice please

Unread postby abclimo » Wed Sep 07, 2011 7:59 am

DesperateMom: You definitely did the right thing for yourself and for your children. They definitely need to be your priority in all of this. If you had stayed, they would have eventually caught on to what was going on. I don't know the exact statistics, but it's huge, how many children of addicts/alcoholics become addicts/alcoholics themself because they learn this life at home and start to think it is the "normal". Show them through your actions of staying away till he gets straight that it is not normal to drink like that. You can do this for yourself and for them and in doing so you'll have a much better life.
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