And here I am...

General questions about recovery
Forum rules
Please consider replying to an existing message. It only takes a minute and you may help someone else in need. A simple word of encouragement goes a long way.

And here I am...

Unread postby Craven » Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:33 pm

Here I am trying to sort it all out...but certainly not for the first time! I've been playing this cat and mouse game with alcohol for years and am now in my early fifties with a begrudging wife (rightfully so) and several children that are almost grown. The oldest in his twenties and the youngest in his late teens, five altogether. I had a DUI when I was eighteen and wrote it off as a learning experience until I got another one about a year ago…that’s more than thirty years apart if you’re keeping score. In between there have been a series of maladies and excuses to explain away everything from lethargy to adultery. Somehow I’ve been able to survive and some would even say thrive, but am now staring at the fact that I have been a shit head most of my adult life and the alcohol episodes have become more frequent, predictable and unacceptable to me. Of course this startling revelation only came about after my wife informed me that she has had finally had enough, but she’s not the reason I’m here today. I’ve had enough as well (I think).
Craven
Registered User
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:01 pm

Re: And here I am...

Unread postby surrenter34 » Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:10 pm

O my, your current state sounds a lot like mine. I too have been playing the game for years, also in my 50s w/ a husband who is basically done w/ me and a child in her 20s who left and one who is 18 and can't wait to get out. I had the worst holiday weekend in my life because of my drunken behavior and now I am full of shame, regret, self-hatred and hopelessness. I have two choices: either get help or die. Right now I am looking at mtgs; trying to muster the courage to drag my sorry ass off to one. Although i am in no position to give advice, I want to say to you that you are not alone. I know I feel so alone right now but I thank you for sharing because I can relate to everything you said. I do just want to die but I feel like God has helped me hang in there for some purpose. I hope to hear more from you. Thanks
surrenter34
Registered User
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:49 pm

Re: And here I am...

Unread postby Craven » Fri Jul 08, 2011 2:47 pm

Given the potential outcome of the two options you’ve listed, I’d say getting help is the optimum choice and meetings are probably the best place to start. In my experience “shame, regret, self-hatred and hopelessness” will only keep you sober for a short period of time. I went to meetings for a few years at one point in my life and somehow convinced myself that I was cured and could handle a little social drinking. Accordingly, I have tried in vain to replace my addictive demons with exercise, nutrition, work, etc. only to eventually “treat myself” to a night out. I never intend to over indulge, but once the booze takes over I am completely powerless and can actually feel any semblance self control slipping away from me. At this point in my life the binges seem to be getting closer together (about once a month) and the poor judgment more severe. My recollection is they refer to that as a "progressive disease" in AA and I thought it was propaganda at the time. Apparently it wasn't.

I too am convinced that God has a plan for me that will prevail if I can muster up the humility to make the right choices and do what I know needs to be done.
Craven
Registered User
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:01 pm

Re: And here I am...

Unread postby nojuiceforbruce » Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:53 pm

I can relate to much of your story. I drank for over 30 yrs vodka and I am married with 2 adult kids living home. The youngest one is a girl at 23 yr old. On Sept 6 (our 30th wedding anniversary) my wife was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. I only knew to drink to cope and got a DUI and Hit and Run on Sept 11. I then didn't drink for 1 month and stayed over in the hospital next to her bed most nights so I could read to her and help her eat. When she got out, I drank again. The next few months brought drinking as I kept thinking she was going to die soon and I would lose my best friend. My drinking took me to a psyche unit in a hospital with a 302 (attempted suicide) and eventually into the Veterans Hospital rehab from Nov 25 to Jan 4, 2011. When I got out I went right back home with my heroin using 23 yr old daughter, who kept stealing from us, and my wife. I wound up back in a VA psyche unit for 2 weeks and, in between court dates, I went back once again but this time to a hospital. I am now sober for 10 days and feel great. The way I changed was that I continued, after inpatient, to go to the Veterans Hospital Addiction Unit for outpatient treatment, I joined a 6am AA meeting, as my homegroup, and asked for help and, when my license was suspended, I got enough help from new AA friends, where they would drive me to up to 2 meetings/day, I joined them when they went to breakfast so I could extend the meeting to hanging out with sober people, I got a sponsor who I can bug every day about sobriety and he will listen (a good sponsor is extremely important to early recovery), I WORKED THE PROGRAM --- YOU KNOW ---- WALK THE WALK NOT JUST TALK THE TALK, I got involved in AA and called people in the program, I am working the steps, I planned for AA meetings each day and simple tasks to complete when I wasn't attending those meetings, I meditated, I set up an exercise program where I jog around the block to relax and destress (#1 cause of relapse is stress), I took my meds prescribed to me the way I should take them, and lastly, I did good things for people because it made me feel good and it made them feel good (this is spirituality) without expecting a thank you from any of them. I hope this helps --- if you wish ---- please try these suggestions but remember that they are only suggestions because, as it says in the Big Book of AA, you shouldn't be approached with suggestions about staying sober until you can be open-minded about it.
nojuiceforbruce
Registered User
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 9:25 am

Re: And here I am...

Unread postby Craven » Mon Oct 03, 2011 11:48 am

I'm back again! As I look back on my previous post I am somewhat surprised to see that it was back in July. Not surprisingly, unfortunalely things haven't changed much and no matter how hard I try I continue to binge about once a week or so. I've been working hard and training hard in the gym as an attempted substitute for full on sobriety, thinking that it would carry me through and provide the motivation that I needed to control my drinking. Fact is...once I start there is no controlling it. Even though I know exactly what the results will be and exactly how I will feel for several days afterwards. Not to mention the embarrassment due to the fact that I'm almost always around people when I drink. I really don't want to be known as the local drunk but it may be too late. This has to stop!
Craven
Registered User
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:01 pm

Re: And here I am...

Unread postby robertoZ » Tue Oct 04, 2011 6:15 am

Keep coming back. Thanks for reminding what will happen to me if I don't maintain a program. Mine: meetings, sober friends and activities, meditation. A meeting a day will keep the booze away. Best to you.
robertoZ
Registered User
 
Posts: 40
Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:20 am


Return to New to Recovery?

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests