by jackiecass58 » Mon Mar 14, 2011 5:48 pm
i am also just realizing that alcohol has been something i have been abusing to replace human contact. as an ex-wife of an alcoholic,i have spent a good portion of my life finger-pointing,and having my husbands flaws be so large,it has taken my some time to come down off my high horse,as i have left almost 5 years ago,and am now very alone,lost everything,have a health issue that is keeping me in a stuck position,and began drinking alone @ 2 yrs ago. My drinking is binging,and i try to st ay home and hide and pretend,especially since i have been such a bitch in my tolerance/blame game,and am almost to ashamed to come forward. But desperation and loneliness are becoming the bigger issues. my health issue,a brain tumor removed 10 1/2 months ago,have left me so isolated. House is going into foreclosure,old car is dying,and i truly hate the person i am now. a few weeks ago i went out,alone,and behaved in a way i can not even 'own' i am so stunned i have 'gone' that far. my behaviour is making me consider getting help before i REALLY do something i cant take back,or get 'found' out. I feel like a liar,not-worthy,shameful'and the very worse,is the ALONENESS of it all. I try to stay on track,be positive,and am now just plain afraid. I have fantasies about meeting someone,but realistically know i have work to do on ME before i can deserve the love of anyone else again. I am just so tired,so beaten down,frustrated,broke,and alone i question living at times. I know i am not alone in this,but have no energy to DO anything,anymore....i also need some encouragement,and have only just found this site a few days ago...i have a 6packand a half of 7 oz. in refrigerater,and a bottle of wine(gift) in car. i dont even know why ive shared all this,other than my shame makes me want to hide behind this machine. I feel to flawed to be worthy of saving.